Banned From Baby Showers

DIY -- Siblings at Birth Class

2012-01-23T06:00:00.000-06:00

It's your lucky day! I am giving you my outline for my Siblings at Birth class I periodically teach. I've written on this topic of children attending birth before. Here's a link if you are still thinking this is a little weird.
One of the first questions I get about this class is what age is appropriate? You know your children better than anyone, but as a general rule, I think a mature 3-year-old does fine. Many families like the idea of including their children, but it is important that the children make their own decision as to whether or not they want to be there. Let them get the information and then decide for themselves. Vena was 6 when Darcy was born and chose not to be in the room. Of course, at 13, she regrets that decision, but at the time, that was the right decision for her.

First off, I tell the children how often I get to teach the class, which is almost never. Children rarely are invited to a birth, and if they are, I find that a lot of parents aren't real sure how to prepare them. I hope you'll pick up some helpful tips here.

I let the children know that their parents really love them a lot to invite them to be at the birth. We have some conversation about how they feel about the new baby. Is it a boy or girl? What do they hope for? What do they think the birth will be like? How do they feel about being at the birth? You might be surprised at some of the answers.

We talk about the environment where the baby currently lives. No hunger, perfect temperature, cozy, can hear voices, and the baby likes to be with mom. I bring my baby and placenta and umbilical cord. Pictures work great too. Depending on the ages of the children, you can make this as complex or as simple as needed.

When we start talking about contractions, I find that simple pictures of contractions -- ie. the wavy pictures where they start out far apart and not very high, progressing to short breaks and high "hills" -- are pretty effective for the rest of the discussion. I refer back to it when we are talking about appropriate things for them to be doing depending on which phase of labor their mom is in.

The visualization of a turtleneck pulling over your head , depending on what part of the country you live, is good for children when describing the cervix pulling back to let the baby out. I taught this class this week and the kids had no idea what a turtleneck is! That's Texas winters for you!

Tell them about the type of environment that is helpful -- dark, quiet, warm. I suggest the kids pack a labor bag too, no matter where the birth is taking place, just like mom will be doing. Pack special snacks, a new or favorite movie, and new puzzles or books. Pack things that they can help with at the birth -- a massage tool to use on mom's back, suckers for mom (and maybe one or two for themselves), some juice boxes, a camera, or a journal. Give them a job to do at the birth. It keeps them focused and they feel valued. They want to help but won't know how unless you give them direction beforehand.

It's always fun to ask the kids, "How does the baby get out?" I tell the story of Daymon asking at 4 years old this very question. I told him to think on it for a few minutes. I was jumping out of my car briefly, and when I got back in, I asked him if he had an answer. He said he thought that it must be like a really big poop! The kids always think its funny, but then I go on to explain how it is similar. They can understand pushing a poop out!

My favorite part of the class is talking about the sounds and facial expressions mom will likely make. If you haven't read my post on Sounding Your Labor, you might check that out. I have the kids relax all their muscles, take some good deep breaths, and let out the lowest longest sound they can. Afterwards, I have them make a high pitched sound. It's good if they watch each other when they do it, too. Their shoulders come up and their breathing is shallow and tight. I ask them which one they felt more relaxed. Of course, they all say they were more relaxed when they made the low sounds. I show them what their mom might sound like -- obviously, it's good if they hear this from their actual mother! Tell them that is another way they can help her -- listen for the low sounds and encourage her to make those sounds (they won't be afraid of those sounds then). If they hear the high-pitched ones, they can remind her to "bring it down."

A heads up about mom keeping her eyes closed during labor might be helpful too. They need to know that during labor they cannot ask mom for help. Her only job is to get the baby out and Dad's only job is to help Mom. If they need anything, they need to ask the people that are there to help them.

Speaking of -- There needs to be someone helping with the children at the actual birth and there needs to be someone who will be OK with leaving the birth to be with any children who decide they do not want to be in the room.

Let's face it, some births are bloodier than others. Letting children know where the blood is coming from is helpful. When you talk about the placenta and how it is attached, be sure to tell them that the placenta will be "born" too and there will be some blood. It's normal. I've found that some kids are excited about being at the birth until they learn about the placenta.

Watching birth videos where children are present at the births is helpful as well. It's good that they see how the other kids react. If they can hear some "sounding," even better. Talk about how good the mom sounds, how relaxed. It gets the kids comfortable with these sounds being a good thing, not scary.
Finally, talk to them a bit about the new baby. The baby will know their voices and will like for them to play peek-a-boo or sing to them. The baby will cry. They can help figure out what makes the baby happy. Give them special jobs to help with when the new baby comes.

I hope this post is helpful in preparing your children to be at their sibling's birth. Forgive me if you have heard this story before - I'm getting old and have started repeating myself! Daymon desperately wanted a brother and I was positive I was giving him one. When Darcy was born, I held her for a long time, scared to turn this baby over. What if it was another girl? I would very likely never be giving my son a brother. When David announced it was Darcy, not James, 8-year-old Daymon shed big silent tears. It was such a heartbreaking moment. Ripped my heart out, in fact. They stayed up for a while, but sometime around midnight we sent them to bed. He was the first one up at 6:00 the next morning. He snuggled in to our bed right behind Darcy and while he was looking at her, whispered, "I love her more than anything in the world."

I believe that Daymon witnessing his third sister's birth -- and finding out with everyone at the same time that the baby was a girl -- greatly influenced his acceptance of this baby.

I congratulate you for including your children in your birth experience. Have the children write or draw a picture shortly after the birth documenting the experience from their perspective. You'll treasure that forever. Witnessing the birth will help to set them on a path of believing birth is a normal life event -- one to be treasured and shared with those you love most.

*Photos used with permission. Thanks to the talented Keri Duckett, a member of the Tarrant County Birth Network.

The Pinch Hitting Husband - Hospital to Homebirth

2012-01-16T06:00:00.000-06:00

For some men, the thought of a homebirth is frightening and a little weird. I know that it was for me.

I didn't want a homebirth. I thought my wife and baby would be safer in a hospital. What if something were to happen? I've always believed in Murphy's law -- anything that can go wrong will go wrong. (It happened to my Texas Rangers last year in the World Series!)

Besides, everyone goes to a hospital to have a baby, right? You have to be some kind of a new-age nut or hippie-wannabe to birth a baby at home. Not to mention the mess. I faint at the sight of blood. Does having a baby at home mean that I'm going to have to mop up after the placenta?

So how did Donna convince me that homebirth was the right choice for us?

We were all set to have our third baby in a hospital in Albuquerque. We had a good group of midwives, and everything was going as planned. Until Donna asked them about videotaping the birth. (We used videotapes in our camcorders back in those days.) The hospital had a no-videotaping policy. This pushed Donna over the edge. She called me at work in tears, yadda, yadda, yadda, we decided to have a homebirth.

My first concern of course was Murphy's law. How could I ever face my in-laws if something were to happen to Donna or the baby?

Our first homebirth midwife was an EMT and had worked as a park ranger at a national park. Her gear bag was reassuring. It was a cornucopia of medical devices, oxygen, needles, vials, chuck pads, etc. She appeared capable of taking care of any emergency. At the time that was very reassuring.

And that surprised/reassured me why? Because I was ignorant that's why! I had a preconceived notion that a medical doctor was more qualified to deliver a baby. What did I expect a midwife to be? Some daffy old fruitcake chanting and burning incense -- hoping that the baby makes it out OK somehow?

The truth is that most doctors are great at handling medical issues and not so great at delivering babies naturally. That's what they are trained for, right? As with any profession, you do what you are trained to do. Natural birth is right in the wheelhouse of the homebirth midwife -- that's what they train and prepare for.

Looking back, having a baby at home was the best experience possible. We didn't have to worry about the drive to the hospital. We didn't have to deal with any cranky hospital personnel poking and prodding all hours of the day and night. We didn't have to deal with hospital regulations, the nursery, and the list goes on. And I never had to deal with any bloody mess whatsoever!

Our fourth and last baby, Darcy was born in our bed. I'll never forget lying down before Donna's labor started. I could feel Darcy moving around. Donna's labor started shortly after. The midwife made it to our house right as it was time to push. It was a beautiful birth. After everyone was gone, it was just me, Donna, and Darcy -- this time on the outside. I'll never forget looking at little new born Darcy, eyes wide open, snuggled up next to her momma nursing.

So, my fellow fathers and fathers-to-be, if you have the option to have a homebirth, make like Nike and just do it! You will never regret it. Plus it's a really fun conversation starter at office parties and so forth.

Another Old Lady Post -- Featuring Trace Adkins

2012-01-09T06:00:00.000-06:00

There's always a couple of things that happen during the week that spark an idea for the weekly blog post. The first was a question one of my former students posed on her Facebook page about letting her seven-week-old baby cry to sleep. The other was a conversation with an old friend.

Remember when you were in the grocery store and an older woman stopped you and told you to enjoy your babies while they are little? One day they will be grown and you'll wonder where the time has gone. Alisa (yes, the Alisa that sparked my journey towards natural birth) and I were talking about this yesterday -- how we couldn't really grasp what the "old" lady was saying at the time. But now, well, it's happening. Neither of us have little babies and toddlers at home at anymore. They are all in school.

I was telling my 15-year-old this week that if he could just see the big picture, he would probably do things a little differently. I told him even at 25, I'm not sure I could see it. At nearly 41, I'm seeing the big picture a bit clearer.

My 50-something-year-old cousin -- a prison guard -- made this comment on his Wall this week: I remember as a parent, a swat across the butt would get their attention. Now as a grandparent a hug gets their hearts....and mine. I've finally figured out that their hearts are more important than their attention. I guess the old saying is true...by the time you are old enough to be a grandparent, you are mature enough to be a parent.

I'm not quite there yet - thankfully - but I'm seeing what the "old" people are talking about. When Darcy was still small enough to hold, maybe 3 or so, I told her that one day I wouldn't be able to hold her anymore. She got real sad and refused to believe that was true. We went one by one through the other kids and I asked her if she ever sees me carry them. At the time, the only one taller than me was my son. The image of me carrying him around made Darcy giggle. She's tried to stay small, but it's not working out! She's almost 7 now, and needless to say, I can't carry her anymore.

I have a house with bigger kids now. Two of my kids are taller than me now. They all go to sleep on their own and sleep through the night. They can mostly take care of themselves. Darcy still needs some help, but it's readily available by other people besides just me. I can leave the house by myself almost whenever I need to. Rarely do I have someone sitting on my lap. I don't get to read to anyone much anymore now that they all can do that on their own. The slings I carried them in are all tucked neatly away in their baby buckets.

My point? These phases that we are in -- even the ones that seem like they will last forever -- don't. They will end. Every day we make memories and lay a foundation. Hold your babies. You cannot spoil them. I do think you can "spoil" an older child, but that's a story for another day! A baby's needs and wants are the same thing.

I keep telling myself, "This too shall pass" with the 15-year-old, but unfortunately, I've got 3 more right behind him! Ha! I'll do my best to follow my own advice and love them, enjoy this time, knowing it won't last forever. I wish the baby phase back -- not sure I'll wish for the teenage years back though!

Guest Post: Mama Birth's Banned From Baby Showers Moments -- Does She Keep Her Mouth Shut?

2012-01-02T06:00:00.000-06:00

Don't worry. You've stopped by the right blog. It's still me, Donna. I thought it would be fun to have Sarah -- AKA Mama Birth in the birth world-- post for me this week about her Banned From Baby Showers moments. Her response totally surprised me, and probably you too.

Before going on, I want you to know that I met Sarah when we were in the same ward together (our LDS readers understand the lingo). It just means we went to church together. She had just gotten married and she was our son's Sunday School teacher when he was 4-years-old. It was the year 2000.

She has always been outspoken. Long before she was pregnant with her first baby, Sarah knew she'd give birth without medication, unlike myself. I wanted the drugs and was scared to death of childbirth with my first baby.

Because of my experiences -- having a fear-based epidural and not wanting to be informed, followed by 3 unmedicated births and 2 homebirths -- my perspective is different when talking to people who want the epidural. I understand the fear. It's not a good place to be. I have a hard time not wanting to give information. In case you missed the most recent explanation of my blog title, here it is.

Anyway, I think the world of Sarah. She knows who she is. She loves birth. She tells it like it is. I know she is a fabulous teacher (even my son said so!). But regardless of what she tries to tell you, she is the most sarcastic person on the planet. Love ya Sarah! Thanks for stepping in this week.

Donna is a dear friend of mine.

Seriously.

I met her before I ever had kids and despite what others said, I never thought she was crazy.

(She thinks I am sarcastic. Can you believe that?!)

So, when I found myself pregnant, I took her class. She was teaching natural birth classes by then and we signed up. I think Donna said, "You are signing up for my class," and so I did. She can be quite forceful you know.

Miss Donna is very busy these days and she asked me to write a little post on my OWN banned from baby shower moments. You know, those moments where you have to leave because you are going to open your big mouth, or conversely, you want to leave because everybody is opening their big mouth and offending you.

Here is the thing though. I don't really have many.

I know. Let me explain.

I think people assume that because I am Mormon and in what is considered a "conservative" religion that I must get a lot of flack about birthing at home and breastfeeding and all that jazz. But I don't.

Sure, I have had family members e-mail me articles about how my kids and the entire neighborhood are all going to burst into flames because they (my children) have not been vaccinated. I had somebody sew me a nursing cover so that I could cover up when nursing. I know that some people probably say things about me behind my back, but stuff I don't know is said about me tends to not hurt my feelings.

These little instances I guess COULD offend me, but they don't because I know that all those people are well meaning (even the gossips just worry that I will bleed out at home). They come form people who love me and genuinely don't want my kids to be hurt because they aren't vaccinated. I have family member's who remember people getting Polio. It doesn't bother me that they worry about my kids. It doesn't even bother me that people try to help me cover when I nurse. I don't want everybody to see my nipples either.

The truth is this- I am probably both pretty lucky with the people who surround me and also pretty oblivious to those around me even when they DO offend me.

Lucky? How am I lucky?

Well, growing up I remember my mom talking about the benefits of gravity in birth and the invention of the birth stool. I knew that I was born c-section- but only AFTER my mother was risked out of a home birth because I was persistently breech and then in the hospital only AFTER a generous trial of labor.

When my son was born my brother said to me, "Are you going to circumcise him? Because when I look at mine, I think, 'That HAD to hurt'- you shouldn't do that."

When I got pregnant with my third baby I had not one but TWO family members hint that maybe I should consider just doing the birth with my husband and me. "It would be cheaper!" said my mom.

Then, when I had my fourth baby at home unassisted (on accident) my parents came back to bring the kids and discovered me and my husband with a baby and no midwives, and nobody freaked out. "You had the baby! That was fast!" was about it.

Because my husband is almost always gone on Sunday and because I have three other kids that would make a ruckus, I nurse my baby, without a cover (she would push it away) EVERY week, front and center in the middle of church. Maybe people stare, but I don't make eye contact when I nurse! (Except for with the baby.)

So, in all honesty I feel that the people in my life are kind and loving towards me. Maybe it is because I am from Northern California where I am really pretty conservative compared to many. Maybe they think I am crazy- but maybe they just expect that from me and so they don't say anything? (I did have a friend from high school say, "You WOULD do that!" when she found out I birthed at home.) I don't know what it is, but people around me are very kind and supportive.

"But, don't you ever say the wrong thing? Don't you ever have to ban yourself from female functions because you are so offensive?" you ask.

What makes you think I am offensive?! Have you been reading my blog?

I did once tell a woman that she didn't need her c-section. Not my proudest moment, I will admit.

I am, by nature, oblivious to my impact on those around me. I am pretty sure this is a family trait. I could be offending people left and right and they are just too nice to tell me what a witch I am.

In truth though- even though I don't agree with everybody I meet on their choices, I know they don't always approve of mine, so I figure live and let live. These people are all kind enough to let me birth and nurse in peace so I probably owe them the same privilege.

Even women I know who do things I don't- like circumcise or spank or even occasionally cry it out are...well, FRIENDS. And when I look at the way they parent or the choices they make- I get it. People in real life don't just birth in the hospital because they are "uneducated" or get induced because they are "selfish" - in real life they usually have good reasons for that.

Plus- when I pay attention, I realize how much I have to learn from them. Maybe I do some things right- but even the mothers I have met with whom I disagree the most, do plenty better than I do.

Let me give you an example.

I WAS at a baby shower once where I wanted to jump up and slap my hand over the mouth of another mother. She had one child, and we were celebrating the upcoming birth of a friend's first baby. The "mom" I wanted to stop from speaking first discussed how awful birth was. Then she went on to discuss the horrors of breastfeeding.

You know what- I have probably never met anybody with whom I have disagreed so strongly on parenting and birthing choices. I did have a hard time being around her.

You know what else? I really think she had been damaged by her birth. She was told she could never birth vaginally and that her body could handle 10 c-sections. She went from thinking about a VBAC to planning c-sections, probably to avoid what surely would just be another c-section anyway.

Did I hate that she had been screwed like that by the medical machine? Umm- YES!

Did I disagree with her views on breastfeeding? Yes again.

Her attitudes towards her babies I frankly found disturbing. She was one who let her newborns cry it out so she could get her "needed" 10 hours a night. (For the record she is the ONE AND ONLY mom I have ever met whose approach to cry it out was so early and so harsh.)

But she had reasons for her opinions, just like I had reasons for mine. She had been told by those she trusted (medical doctors, her mother, other loved ones) that this was the way to do things. Those choices worked well for her personality. Did I worry about her kids? Yes, I did.

Guess what- she probably worried about mine because of my "reckless" choices.

For the record I did try to explain to her why her supply of milk dropped when her newborn was sleeping ten hours a night. She asked, but then she didn't want to hear it. And I made DANG sure that I helped that poor mama at the baby shower get on her way nursing her newborn. I also filled her with stories and tips on having a natural birth. I did what I could to fix that negativity- but I don't get to pick how other people parent or birth their babies.

That is not up to me. And lucky for me, how I birth and nurture mine, isn't up to them.

I feel blessed to have people in my life who are kind and who care about me. I feel honored to be surrounded by so many wonderful mothers who I can learn from and who keep their mouths shut when I judge them before I understand where they are coming from.

Life is good- and I still go to baby showers, even though my friend Donna won't be there!

The Designated Hitter

2011-12-26T06:00:00.000-06:00

Now batting, the Designated Hitter, David Ryan.

Merry Christmas to one and all! I'm Donna's husband and am posting for Donna this week. I just read some of the requests on the Facebook page and will try my best to address some of the topics listed. (I just can't get over how every group seems to develop their own set of acronyms. I noticed one that was used was DH -- which to me, a rabid baseball fan, means "Designated Hitter". I'm pretty sure that was not the intended use, but I decided to go with it anyway.)

Christmas can be a wonderful time of year full of tradition, both good and bad. Traditions are pretty powerful -- especially when it comes to family. We do things because of tradition. It's the way we've always done things and we like it that way! Like cutting both ends off of a pot roast before cooking it because that's the way mom showed me how to do it. (Anyone not heard that story before?)

I thought the theme of traditions would tie a couple of the requested topics together.

A few of you wanted to get a "male perspective" on circumcision. I don't hunt or follow NASCAR -- but I do have a penis. For purposes of full disclosure (don't worry -- no photos will be posted), I am circumcised. I wasn't circumcised for religious purposes. I am a Christian and have learned from my study of the scriptures that circumcision is not necessary per Christ's teachings. So why was I circumcised? Tradition. I've never discussed the issue with my mother or my father. I have to admit that I don't even know for sure if my father is circumcised. I assume he was because that's just the way things were done.

We have a son. We chose not to circumcise him because we did not see a reason to do so. We broke away from tradition to what I believe is a better way. Why wouldn't I want my son to be better off than me? Was I worried about the "Jock Kingdom" mocking him in the showers? No. Did it bother me that his penis wouldn't look like my penis? No. In fact, I proactively avoid showing anyone in my family my penis (with the exception of Donna).

I've heard all of the pro-circumcision rationales and the only one that makes any sense to me is religious in nature. Covenants with God I understand. Concerns about Junior's penis being intact while Daddy is circumcised I don't get. Pot roast.

Tradition plays a huge role in how we choose to give birth. With our first, Donna wanted an epidural and didn't care to learn anything more about giving birth. We toured the hospital, took a hospital class, and would have ended up with a C-section had it not been for my sister Tamara. We were fortunate.

Initially, Donna didn't care because that's just the way women have babies. They go to the hospital and let the doctors do the rest. That's the way it is done. Pot roast. There is a much better way.

Well, I think that does it for me. Happy New Year everybody! I am hungry for some pot roast.

Mr. BFBS

Why I'd Make a Rotten Midwife

2011-12-19T06:00:00.000-06:00

I have been asked several times recently if I have aspirations to be a midwife. One midwife commented on all the young women that have had a baby or two and want to be a doula or midwife. My children are older now and I've been an educator for almost 9 years. They all are surprised that I am happy and content to remain "just" a childbirth educator.

Let me tell you why I'd be a rotten midwife:

The number one quality of a good midwife, in my opinion, is patience. Labor takes time and a laboring mom deserves just that. For this reason, I'd make a great OB! OK, just kidding. I would seriously be like, "Come on already! This is taking forever. I've got other things to do!" I'd be a clock-watcher, for sure and all over the "failure to progress" diagnosis. I'd also be all about the pitocin. As you can tell, I am not a patient person. For the same reasons, this is why I do not work as a doula.

I have always compared being a midwife to selling real estate. For years, I thought I'd like to be a real estate agent. How fun to drive around looking at houses, talking to people. I could do that. But then I realized that that part of the job is only a fraction of the big picture. The paperwork and contracts, well, I'm not so interested in that. In fact, yuck.

Being a midwife looks like so much fun -- catching babies and being a part of this exciting day. It's easy to forget that it took 9 months of charting and appointments to get to this day. A few hours and it's over. All that paperwork. Again, yuck.

I'm probably slightly queasy too. Have you ever watched a woman be stitched up after a birth? Whoa. I'm not very good with blood either, although I think I am able to remain pretty calm through an intense situation.

I love education, likely, because for me, education was a turning point. When I learned what was happening to my body in labor and it took the fear out of childbirth. I like those "light bulb moments" when someone gets it in class. I like to see couples get information and make informed decisions when it comes to the birth of their baby.

If you had a great birth, there are lots of ways you can spread the good news of natural childbirth besides being a doula or midwife. Those professions are often not that practical for moms with small children or babies anyway unless they have a great childcare setup. Besides education, there are lots of advocacy opportunities. Check to see if there is a chapter of Birth Network National in your community. Attend nurse-ins and help normalize breastfeeding in your city. Ask birth professionals in your area how you can be involved.

In the meantime, you're welcome for not becoming a midwife.

What's the Deal With My Blog Title, You Ask?

2011-12-12T06:00:00.000-06:00

It's time to revisit the title of my blog "Banned From Baby Showers". The Haters think that I am banned by the people having babies because of my strong opinions ("No wonder she's not allowed at baby showers!"). I had someone ask me if I have a Texas-sized opinion on all topics, or just childbirth! Am I allowed at weddings? Birthday parties? In fact, my friend Shannon came up with my BFBS icon: the caricature with the big hat, big hair, and big mouth!

If you'll indulge me in a little story telling, I'll tell you just how the name came about.

I have been a Natural Childbirth Educator since 2003. I had my first baby with an epidural in 1996, followed up with a fabulous unmedicated birth in 1999. I have had 2 more unmediated births since then. My message to all women? You can do this! Don't be afraid! Birth is transformative. You are strong!

I found myself at playgroups and church telling every pregnant woman why she should have an unmedicated birth and seek out midwifery care. It's an amazing experience that you only experience so many times in life. Don't miss out on it!

By 2003, I had to do something with this knowledge and excitement for natural birth. I got certified to teach classes and have taught over 300 couples since. I love my "job."

In early 2006, I attended a baby shower with some women from church that I barely knew. I had only lived here for about seven months. Several of us seriously got into it. It was ugly. It was all about inductions and trusting your doctor. We fought over being informed or, in my eyes, remaining ignorant. Seriously -- ugly.

The rest of the day was yucky. I knew I had not accomplished anything but alienate this group of women. I called several of them before going to church the next day to apologize. Awkward.

After that experience, I told my husband that I could never put myself in that situation again. Teaching to people who want the information would be my only "outlet." Most people know what I do professionally. If they want information, they can come ask me.

I simply find it impossible to sit and listen to a group of ill or mis-informed women talk about pregnancy, labor, or birth and not say anything. Laughing about inductions and c-sections and how necessary they are is not my idea of fun. Most baby showers make a mockery of this sacred event.

So I stopped attending baby showers. Word spread pretty quickly, and the story of that famous baby shower must have also spread, as few people have questioned me about it over the years! The fact that my blog title runs the length of my back windshield also clues people in -- don't bother inviting me. (As a side note, I had several people -- usually women who struggle with infertility -- tell me over the years how they wish they could ban themselves from baby showers, too.)

I've always liked writing and my husband has bugged me for years to write a book. He said the title should be "Banned From Baby Showers." He's so funny and clever. We laughed over it, and when I decided to write a blog, "Banned From Baby Showers" became the title. This is my book! I've been writing this blog for almost 3 1/2 years now.

So, when I talk about "Banned From Baby Shower moments," I'm referring to those experiences with your friends, family, or co-workers over childbirth. The ones where you have to make a decision about whether to give information, or just walk away from the conversation to avoid a fight.

I do continue to have Banned From Baby Shower moments, but they are far fewer these days. I write this blog and I say whatever is on my mind. If you don't like it, don't read it! This is the one place I let it all hang out. Deep down, however, I hope something strikes a chord within you that maybe you can have your baby without drugs. Like I said in my "About Me," I hope reading my blog changes your life.

Not Just Another Induction Post

2011-12-05T06:00:00.000-06:00

You might remember me posting on my Banned From Baby Showers Facebook page about a mom who had been declared "high risk" due to "maternal age." She is 35 years old. Her OB had also told her that her amniotic fluids levels were low. At about 37 or 38 weeks, she recommended induction. My student declined induction and I'd just like to take a moment to relay to you what the "Treatment Declination" form said:

Our records indicate that you have declined medical induction.

The medical induction was indicated for the following reasons:
1. Maternal age
2. High risk pregnancy

You have also been informed of the risk of declining said treatment/procedure, including fetal death, worsening maternal condition, irreversible neurologic (brain) fetal damage resulting in cerebral palsy, mental retardation, developmental delay and motor skills delay. You are also aware increased cesarean section risks and increased risk of poor fetal or maternal outcome.

By signing below you have indicated that you completely understand the risk of delaying or declining the above procedure and willingly have decided to do so.

From the beginning of classes, I had told her she had some other (great) options in the Ft. Worth area. Thanks to several of your comments on the Facebook page, she realized that she likely was not really high risk, and decided to go ahead and switch care providers. It was 39.3 weeks when she transferred to the UNT Midwives. Her charts had lots of doomsday stuff in it and the midwives recommended that she visit with their perinatologist. He commended her for declining the induction and told her there was absolutely nothing wrong with her, her baby, or her pregnancy! She had a fabulous unmedicated birth 4 days later!

I've had some overseas births (France and Switzerland) in the last couple of months who were really pushed into using pitocin too. One of them ended up not having it, but the other one did. The nurses were very aggressive in wanting to keep upping the dosage and the mom was barely on top of things as it was. She was dilating very quickly, but for some reason, the nurse wanted her baby to just fall out, I guess. It made for a very difficult labor for her. Afterwards, she hemorrhaged and battled dizziness for hours. The very quick labor really took a toll on her. Had they not pushed pitocin on her the way they did, she could have enjoyed her labor instead of gripping the rails, so to speak.

In 8 1/2 years of teaching, I've never had a baby die until recently. The mom was pressured into induction (those declination forms are really scaring) and had a uterine rupture due to "misuse of pitocin." The OB was extremely negligent and went in with a vacuum to try to get the baby out. The mom was only 9 centimeters. After 3 hours from the beginning of the rupture, they went to a code-red emergency c-section. The baby was flown to an out-of-state hospital where he received "head cooling" for the brain damage and hematoma from the vacuum attempts. The baby had such severe brain damage, after many tests, the parents were told the baby would not survive. He lived 18 days. They buried their sweet baby on November 1. To make matters worse, this mom had to go back in for surgery because they left 4 centimeters of placenta and membrane inside the uterus. She is understandably completely devastated. I sincerely hope she knows this is not her fault. This is the fault of her OB who pressured her into the induction and then went about it negligently. My heart goes out to her and her family. I am so very sorry they are living this tragedy.

As an Educator, I have gone through many emotions this weekend as I learned what happened to this couple and their baby. Women are being scared into induction -- being told it is the safe thing to do. Declining the induction is the unsafe route. Are these parents being told about the risks of the induction themselves? Never!

Did you know that a woman who is VBACing has the same risk of rupture as a woman who is being induced with pitocin, having never had a c-section? The women who are asking for VBACs are being told it's too dangerous -- they might rupture and kill their babies. But we NEVER hear of women being told about the risk of rupture when they are induced with pitocin. Never. Both carry a risk of less than 1%. Did you notice in the Treatment Declination form that it said that by declining induction, you were risking a cesarean section? I love that. When a woman is induced, she is twice as likely to have a cesarean than if she starts labor on her own.
Shame on these doctors for leading women to believe that induction is harmless. As birth advocates, we must stand up and be loud about the risks of induction! Risks to moms and risks to babies. These babies deserve their time to grow inside the uterus and not be forced out. They will let us know when they are ready to be born.

Baby "Milestones" are Stupid

2011-11-28T06:00:00.000-06:00

I received a message from one of my former students today in distress over her family comparing her baby to her sister's baby, who is just two weeks younger. I have a feeling a lot of us can relate to this.

"I'm starting to receive concern from family members about Ellie being slow to hit milestones. She is a happy, alert, curious baby, but she does not sit unassisted yet, and she is nowhere near crawling. She is 7 1/2 months old. Of course all the concerned people are trying to figure out why she is "delayed" and pointing fingers at: too much breastfeeding, lack of solid food, the fact that she doesn't sleep in her own room or know how to "self-soothe," or the fact that I carry her too much.

I doubt everyone would be so concerned, except that Ellie is being directly compared to her cousin (my sister's baby) who is exactly 2 weeks younger. He has been sitting and crawling for weeks, and now he is starting to pull up on furniture to a standing position. He is formula-fed, started solids at 4 months, and was trained to sleep in his own crib (in his own room). My sister is also careful not to pick him up "too much" so as not to "spoil" him. So those methods now look more successful than my methods.

Anyway, I just wondered if you had a blog post about this (or maybe if you wanted to write one!), or if you had any other info about it, so that I could send a link or something to the relatives that are bugging me."

Give that boy a ribbon! Oh wait, the ribbon goes to the mom, right?

When my first baby was little, I remember comparing him to every baby that was remotely close to his age. The only thing he did "early" was sit up. He was 5 months old and fat as could be. He looked like a bowling ball. I think that is the only reason he did sit up! I was so relieved when he got his first tooth at 9 months. He finally started crawling at 10 months. In fact, my earliest crawler was 9 months. Of four children, my earliest walker was 13 months.

As you could probably guess, my babies, like this mama's baby, were all carried extensively in the sling. I was constantly talking to them. They were learning language and engaged in all kinds of activities they otherwise probably wouldn't have been from a stroller or car seat.

I have read -- and maybe this was made up by someone who wanted to make parents of "slow" babies feel better -- that babies who do things later tend to be soaking up more around them. They tend to speak sooner and often more clearly. I do think that when they are engaged in whatever activity their caregiver is engaged in, they are preoccupied. When they are left "alone" they find ways to occupy themselves, often finding out what their body can do. This is so not true of some babies and I'll probably incite a riot with that statement. Babies who do things early are more focused on doing than learning. Like I said, I have no idea if that has any merit whatsoever. As we all know, babies are all so different. They do things when they are ready.

I was concerned about one of my kids being dyslexic when she was small. I took her in and they wouldn't even give me the time of day. They said at that age -- she was about pre-K -- the spectrum was enormous. They said by 3rd grade that gap narrows significantly.

I've always felt like, who cares if one kid can read at 4, or crawl at 6 months, or eat solid food at 4 months, or walk at 12 months! It doesn't mean they are smarter or better than the next kid. It also doesn't mean that you are a better mom! Once they are talking, walking, feeding themselves, swinging on the swings, playing tag on the playground, playing video games, Facebooking with their friends, and downloading music on their ipod, no one cares about these milestones. It's like due dates. 40 weeks is an estimated time of arrival. As we know, it means little.

Ultimately, those milestones, in my opinion, are kinda stupid. I think a mom knows when something is not right. Those milestones, like fetal kick counts, make a mom super paranoid, almost always unnecessarily. If you do feel that something is not quite right, visit with your pediatrician about your concerns. Follow your gut, but not what the kid next door is doing! Don't compare your baby with other babies. For that matter, don't compare your teenager with other teenagers!

A couple of years ago I had to tell one of my students to put the books away and just focus on her baby. She was making herself crazy with all the things her baby should be doing, or parenting exactly the way the book said was the right way. At some point, you have to just look at you, your kid, and your situation and do what works for your family. Some things sound great in a book but just don't play out that way in your real life. I experienced this quite a bit with my babies.

As for my former student's message? I feel bad for the other kid. He's not getting breastmilk, he's choking down solid food, not getting held nearly as much as his cousin, and he sleeps alone. Follow your instincts, Mama! You are doing a fabulous job. And your baby is so lucky to be parented with so much love.

For the record, none of my kids read at the age of 4, but they all read now.

Toddler Tantrums - Keeping it In Perspective

2011-11-21T06:00:00.000-06:00

I am totally out of the toddler tantrum era (thankfully) and am fully immersed in teenage drama. I don't know which is worse, really. The toddlers are physically draining, but the teenagers are mentally and emotionally exhausting. I love telling my toddler-freak-out-moment stories, but I'll refrain. We've all been there, done that.

I have a good friend that is dealing with a very active and inquisitive toddler and she has received some mixed advice lately. She posed the question to a few of us and I wanted to share one of the responses she got. I think there are probably several readers that could benefit from her words. She practices Attachment Parenting better -- and more accurately -- than anyone else I know.

Here was the question:

This is so random, but I need veteran mommy help. Seems like (toddler) is having a lot of tantrums lately. Somebody recently told me that I need to stand him up and make him obey, that he shouldn't be allowed to have his way and that I should not nurse him after a fit as not to "reward" that behavior. Thinking on that. I try and reason with him, as he comprehends very well for 17 months. Any thoughts?

Here is the (fabulous) response:

A) I don't think children should be treated with less respect because they are little. B) if someone told (husband) to stand up to you and make you obey you would think they were a total jerk.

That being said - you don't deserve to be treated disrespectfully by (toddler) just because he is little either.

I don't want to raise obedient children, I want to raise thoughtful respectful adults. Respect begets respect in my opinion (well until they are 15, but I think that's a temporary freak out thing, kind of like being a toddler).

The problem with toddlers is that they are so frustrated in their little bodies because they cannot execute their big ideas. He's not freaking out to be spiteful or mean to you, he's just trying to get his point across using his improving communication skills. For all his life you have given him most everything his heart desired. Now his desires are getting more particular than just cuddling and nursing, which means that he is having to learn to not get everything he wants which sucks for him.

Our job is to teach them it's okay to have wants, it's okay if sometimes they aren't immediately fulfilled, and what the appropriate ways are to make those requests are and deal with the disappointments.

I think when a child tries to express frustration through a tantrum and a parent "stands up" to them with a scary show of force, it reinforces that that is acceptable behavior (a mommy tantrum) and also tells him that mommy has no better coping skills than freaking out too.

Going the alternate route of speaking in a very quiet voice and offering alternatives to the tantrum, and soothing words that you know he can take deep breaths and calm down reinforces that fact to you and him. If also forces him to lower his volume to hear you. Even if you achieve that reaction 51% of the time, you are reinforcing the message that most the time, overwhelming feelings can be dealt with calmly.

It is hard as heck to be calm when meltdown is occurring so that's why I focus on that scale being tipped rather than insisting on perfection in myself. For some reason this week has been really hard for her and I and a couple of times I have loaded everyone up in the car and gone for a drive.

I feel for (toddler daughter) when she wants something so badly and can't have it, while I just walk over and pick it up, or get it off the shelf. Now she is starting to self regulate and tell me she is taking deep breaths and thinking in the middle of her tears.

I don't do nursing sessions at this point to get a big tantrum under control (unless it's really a crisis), but at the age (toddler) is at, I would ask her if nursing for a moment would help her to relax and think more clearly and if she said yes I would nurse for a bit. That's been his comfort and how he regulated his emotions for his whole life- why should that change abruptly?

Also as nursing is changing, also pay attention to whether he is hungry/ thirsty/ tired , less nursing as he grows means different patterns of food and water consumption and of his blood sugar is down his behavior will suck....

Thanks Shannon, of simplebaby.com, for those words of advice and perspective. I have no doubt they will help another mama dealing with the exact same situation as our friend. I have determined that it is easier to deal with a toddler tantrum than one of a 15-year-old not getting his way. At least they are still cute as toddlers! Good luck mamas! This too shall pass.

Postpartum Sex -- Or the Lack Thereof

2011-11-14T06:30:00.000-06:00

This is anything but a sexy post. Let's start with the semi-sexi though: 50% of women have an increased sex drive during pregnancy. Of course, the flip side is that 50% have a decreased sex drive. I can usually tell which category women fall into when we have this discussion in class by the look on the dads' faces. The sexy side is that sex is good during pregnancy for a number of reasons -- reasons that I'm not going into right now -- but then, the baby is born. The crazy sex (for 50% of you!) comes to a screeching halt.

Your entire universe is turned upside-down by this little bundle of joy. You now have a crying baby on your hands. You are leaking milk everywhere, waking up in puddles. The furthest thing from your mind is sex. Maybe you tore and had stitches. Maybe you've had a hard time going to the bathroom or sitting in a chair. Things can be very tender for varying lengths of time.

Dads, on the other hand, have that 6-week postpartum check-up circled on their calendar. You know, the one where they talk about birth control and give you the go-ahead to engage in sexual activity again. (The significance of 6 weeks really has to do with the position of the cervix more than anything. I didn't know that until my 4th baby. I thought it was all about bleeding.)

News flash: Many moms are not ready to have sex again by 6 weeks!

New moms are wired to be 100% preoccupied with their new baby, even for months. It is so important that couples have this conversation and do not just assume that at 6 weeks she will be ready. I never tore with any of my babies and the first time having sex after giving birth was always pretty intense. I'll be the first to admit, I was not into it at all, but felt bad for my husband. It was guilt sex.

Physical obstacles include leaky breasts (some men like this and others are really turned off by it) and vaginal dryness. Breastfeeding contributes to the dryness, but I've never been comfortable "blaming" breastfeeding. As you know, sex for a woman is as much about what's going on in her head as it is what is happening physically. Like I said, she is 100% preoccupied with the baby. A lot of women find it hard at this point of motherhood to feel like the sexual being they were previously. There can be some emotions to work through and adjust to, and sometimes this can take months.

Depending on what baby number this is, she may be "touched" all day long by various numbers of children. Nursing, holding, changing, consoling. At the end of the day, she may just want to be left alone. This is so hard for a relationship. I've seen lots of moms (and dads) go through this. I know, when David and I have frequent sex, our relationship rocks! When we go long periods of time without it, we fight and get annoyed with each other. He'd be thrilled to know that I'm writing about this! I have no doubt that every relationship is the same way. Going months without sex is hard on a relationship.

I have not gone through this personally, but I know plenty of people who have. It's been very trying and every mom I know feels terribly guilty. In every case I know of, the mom tore pretty bad and was stitched. They all felt that the stitches were too "tight" and not quite right. All of them were embarrassed to talk about it and felt that what they were going through was very rare. That's really why I wanted to write a post about it. It should be talked about and women need to know that they are not alone. Communication and compassion are crucial in a marital relationship enduring this trial.

Over the years, I've heard a few dads comment that they feel like they've been replaced by the baby. This, too, is short-lived, trust me! Every day I feel like it's me and David against these 4 crazy kids!

A good friend of mine gave me a silly book several years ago called The Diaper Diaries: The Real Poop on a New Mom's First Year. Normally, I really hate books like this, but this one is really pretty funny and I'm pretty sure I've laughed out loud at several of the pages. I have often referred to this "chart" of a typical 20-year scenario with a child. It's divided by years of motherhood-- what the baby does and what the husband does in that year. I hope you enjoy it.

1st Year:

Smiles every time he sees you and cries when you leave the room. Says his first word: "Mama."

Wants to breastfeed like the baby. Changing diapers makes him sick to his stomach.

2nd Year:

Loves to sit on your lap and read Are You My Mother?

Baby bumps his head when husband is supposed to be watching him.

3rd Year:

Wants to marry you when he grows up.

Teaches baby Three Stooges eye poke.

4th Year:

Has developed bad habit of wiping his nose on your pants.

Wants to cuddle with you after you've had a bad day.

5th Year:

Insists on wearing Spiderman outfit to kindergarten every day.

Will listen to you complain about your boss every night.

6th Year:

Won't let you kiss him at the bus stop.

Expands cooking skills beyond "grilling" so he can make dinner the other 10 months of the year.

7th Year:

Begs for (and gets) puppy.

Will gladly turn off the baseball game to make out with you.

8th Year:

Is tired of puppy (now dog). Will only talk about baseball.

Takes over puppy duties.

9th Year:

Thinks girls, homework, and vegetables are all stupid.

Watches Sex and the City with you.

10th Year:

Loses an average of one sweatshirt and one pair of sneakers every week.

Occasionally leaves sticky love notes for you on the bathroom mirror.

11th Year:

Will only talk about soccer.

Is willing to spend his whole vacation with your parents.

12th Year:

Thinks his friends are cool and you are dorky.

Worries about you when you have to drive in bad weather.

13th Year:

Won't leave his room because he has pimples.

Still thinks you're hot, especially when you wear your cut-offs.

14th Year:

Drives friend's motorbike through high school cafeteria on a dare.

Washes and vacuums out your car when you are harried.

15th Year:

Allows motorbike friend to tattoo rattlesnake on his ankle.

Encourages you to go back to school to get your Master's.

16th Year:

Wants to quit school to become a magician's apprentice.

Buys you a sexy sports car for your birthday.

17th Year:

Needs to borrow $4500 for a "once-in-a-lifetime-opportunity."

Reads the same novel you are reading for Book Club so he can discuss it with you.

18th Year:

Stops by the house just to shower and change.

Rearranges his work schedule so he can cheer you on in the tennis final at the club.

19th Year:

Wants to move in with girlfriend who is 4 years older than he is.

Waits up for you after your Investment Club meetings.

20th Year:

Wants to move back home with girlfriend because magician gig isn't panning out.

On your 20th anniversary, he says he'd marry you all over again.

Sometimes a bigger perspective is helpful. Talk to each other. Communicate. If the bottle of lotion has to sit on the nightstand a little longer, so be it. In a lot of cases, time changes situations if you can both be patient.

POOP

2011-11-07T06:00:00.000-06:00

That's right, you read the title right. Let's talk about poop for a few minutes. Did you know that you might poop when you push your baby out? Most people never think about this, and others are completely obsessed with the possibility of this happening. I've even had one of my couples have a c-section over this topic. She made it to a 7, everything was going great, and she opted for a c-section. She just could never let go of the fear.

Approximately 30% of women poop when they push their baby out. There is a trend I'm starting to see pop up of offering/pushing enemas to women when they are in labor. I got an email from a friend this week and here is a portion of it: "They gave her an enema before starting pitocin because the doctor didn't want to be pooped on. Yes, he personally told the mom this." Gotta love the OB that does things for his comfort and not the mom's.

At any rate, the body, typically at the beginning of labor, will naturally get rid of waste. She'll usually have loose bowels, sometimes even diarrhea. She should eat and drink throughout her labor though, which means more waste. And that's ok! So, along with all the questions I've given you over the years to ask your care provider, here's another one:

"How do you feel about poop?"

If you are super concerned with pooping when you are pushing your baby out, do the enema. If it makes you feel more confident, by all means. Know that I am not advocating the enema whatsoever! In fact, I'd really just like to see women comfortable with their bodies and not afraid to eat and possibly poop in labor. But, like all interventions, I believe there is a time and place.

Let's go back to the mom who just can't let it go, no matter how much her husband and care provider tells her it's ok, it's normal. They don't care if she poops. There are some other issues associated with this fear. At the top of this list is sexual abuse. Pooping during pushing is not about vanity. I strongly suggest counseling in this situation. To most, this topic is funny and only slightly embarrassing. To others, it's completely paralyzing.

Last I read, approximately 1 in 4 women have been sexually abused or molested. Poop has the potential to be a big issue for many women -- even one million per year -- about to give birth. I can't help but wonder about the women who elect to have a c-section and never experience any labor. It's a question that simply cannot be asked, and yet, I can't help but wonder. Is sexual abuse a part of their history? Labor and birth is an extremely vulnerable time in a woman's life. She is exposed in every way possible. It's a lot for a woman who has not been abused or molested to come to grips with. But for a woman who has endured abuse or molestation, vaginal birth may be much too overwhelming.

If you have seen Orgasmic Birth, they address sexual abuse and birth in a very tender story. The woman is terrified to surrender to the power of her birth. When she does, she comes out stronger on the other side. If you have not seen the movie, check it out. It's about much more than just "orgasmic" birth!

What started out as a funny post, took a very serious turn. You know me, I can't end like this. So, in class, the mamas planning a water birth always want to know about pooping in the water. (My water birth is the only birth I didn't poop!) I tell them that if they are really worried about it, if the dad will just throw a bunch of tootsie rolls in the water at the time of birth, she'll never know if she pooped or not. (I've never had anyone actually do it, but it would be a very funny trick to play on a midwife.)

I Am a Homebirth Advocate and This is Why

2011-10-31T06:00:00.000-05:00

This week I received a comment about looking for homebirth blogs, as I seem to be geared towards those planning a hospital birth. It's true, the last several posts have been geared towards alerting the hospital birthers about certain practices/policies to be aware of. I certainly don't want to be known as a Bradley birth blogger though! Statistically, up until this last year, 25% of my students have birthed in the hospital. Over the last year, it has gradually flip-flopped to 75% are out of the hospital. This is what happens when a birth center makes your class required for their clients though!

I have birthed two babies in the hospital and two at home. I believe that a woman will birth "best" where she is most comfortable -- physically, and more importantly, emotionally.

Over the years, the normal progression for people that take my class has been this:

Baby #1: Switch from an OB to a CNM, remaining in the hospital (just in case).

Baby #2: Switch from a CNM to a CPM and birth in a freestanding birth center.

Baby #3: Birth baby at home with a CPM and wish they had done that from the very beginning!

I decided to go through the homebirth blog posts I have written over the last three years and link to them this week. Enjoy!

"Why Would You Choose a Homebirth?"

Homebirth vs. Hospital Birth

ACOG vs. Homebirth

The Needs of a Laboring Woman are more Easily Achieved at Home

Types of Midwives

I found so many other posts that were related to homebirth -- dozens when it was mentioned -- but these are probably the ones that homebirth is the main focus. Still aggravated after all these years that "homebirth" is flagged as not being a word.

Romy's Birth Story from Ceci Jane on Vimeo.

This video of my co-chapter leader for TCBN, Shannon, about sums up the beauty of homebirth. Ceci is another TCBN chapter leader and she did this amazing video. Shannon had an incredible team of women there, all hand-picked. Her husband was incredibly touched by the love and support they received as they welcomed their new baby into their family. It is evident on everyone's face this was a glorious homebirth. I am so lucky to work with such talented people. If you haven't seen this video yet, grab your tissues. Then go read all these homebirth posts I've written over the years!

Pushed into Supine Pushing Positions

2011-10-24T06:00:00.000-05:00

When I was thinking about getting pregnant with my second baby, I visited my OB, Dr. Brian Wolsey, that "delivered" my first baby. I had been gathering lots of information and knew I would do things differently with the second baby. One of the questions I asked him was how he felt about me pushing in a different position besides flat on my back. He got down on the floor (in his very nice clothes), and on one knee, contorted his body, and while looking and reaching up, said, "Well, it's kind of hard to catch a baby in this position." He was more concerned with his comfort than mine when it came to pushing my baby out.

I never returned to his office.

This is an important question to ask your care provider. The answer should be a respectful "Let's see how you feel when it comes time to push. The benefits to using gravity and an upright position are ... An example of when you might not want to use gravity is ..."

I've had a number of people return to class saying things like, "My doctor said I can hang from the rafters for all he cares" or "I can squat on the floor like I'm in the jungle!" They seem happy with these responses, but in reality, your doctor is making fun of you. He thinks its undignified and foolish.

If I am an OB -- or even a Certified Nurse Midwife -- working in a hospital, chances are, approximately 90% of the births I attend is with an epidural. The mom is mostly on her back. Like it or not, this is how I get used to catching babies. This is what I am comfortable with. Even to have a mom on hands and knees, well, this looks different to me, and I am not as comfortable with this situation. I will find a way to get this mom on her back. I will give her lots of excuses that sound really good, such as, "The baby is caught on the pubic bone and I need you to lean back."

If a woman is left alone to choose her birthing position, very often she will use gravity in some form or another. Rarely will she lay flat on her back to push her baby out. Squatting, for example, is known to widen the pelvis up to 30%. Many OBs will not suggest a mom get up and squat, but instead, will cut an episiotomy to get the baby out quicker. Or worse, perform a c-section because her hips were "too small."

I simply wanted to let women know that what position you birth your baby in is your choice. This seems common sense, right? I routinely hear women talk about their doctor wanting them in a certain position when it comes time to push. Pushing while flat on her back can cause more problems that it fixes. The only person benefiting from this position is the OB.

When you ask your care provider this important question, listen for silly answers that are really meant to make fun of you. Listen for responses that put his/her comfort above your own. The good answers are the ones that inform and respect you and your comfort. Follow what your body is telling you to do. Don't let them push you around when it comes to pushing your baby out!

It's Just an IV -- What's the Big Deal?

2011-10-17T06:00:00.000-05:00

I posed a question on my Facebook page this weekend asking if an IV was required at your place of birth. As expected, the majority of those birthing in the hospital said yes. I recently had an IV when I went for a colonoscopy, and I must admit, I did not like it. My number one complaint is that feeling of cold fluid running through my veins. Not a fan.

What about for labor though? Should an IV be a part of a normal labor? The hospitals think so.

Let's face it -- nearly everyone who finds themselves on the Labor & Delivery floor will have an epidural. Or an induction. Likely both. Before an epidural is placed, a mom will receive a couple of bags of IV fluid. Epidurals are notorious for causing the blood pressure to drop, so these fluids are necessary. Here's why they want you to have an IV when you walk through the door: The minute you say you want an epidural, they can give it to you. Otherwise, they have to wait for these IV fluids to be administered. They believe that you will eventually beg for the epidural, no matter how many times you say that you want an unmedicated birth. I hate to sound paranoid - or make others paranoid - but the truth is quite ugly when we talk about IVs. You will very likely have other things running through an IV besides saline water, with pitocin at the top of that list. Even if you don't have pitocin during the labor, you will assuredly have it after your baby is born to "aid" in the delivery of the placenta. If you have an IV, you won't even know pitocin was added. They simply do not ask your permission.

Antibiotics are often added to an IV. This is given, typically, under three scenarios:

1) Mom develops a fever. This could be due to infection, but epidurals cause fevers in many women. Since we aren't sure either way, antibiotics are administered.

2) Water is broken so antibiotics are given routinely, you know, just in case she might develop a fever. (Can you hear my eye roll?)

3) Mom tested positive at 36 weeks for Group B Strep and antibiotics are standard procedure. This post is not a post about GBS, but suffice to say, antibiotics are very necessary if the baby actually acquires GBS on the way out of the birth canal, but only 2 out of 1000 babies that are born to GBS-positive mothers will be affected. One-third of women will test positive, so that is a lot of women receiving antibiotics -- just in case. I have strong feelings about antibiotics from my own personal experiences, but you may not care one way or another. Maybe you feel that it is better to be safe than sorry. It's a decision each parent needs to make for themselves.

Is an IV ever necessary in labor? In short, yes. A woman in labor should be eating and drinking plenty of water. Water is crucial in helping the uterus work effectively. Without it, the uterus can become "irritable," often making an IV necessary. Under these conditions, she'll often experience contractions close together and intense, but only lasting about 30 seconds. An IV might help her stay hydrated and therefore causing more effective contractions. If a mom can't keep fluids down, she might also require an IV. As with all interventions, there is a time and place for everything. IVs should not, however, be a routine part of a normal labor.

It seems that many moms end up consenting to a hep-lock, which is an open vein. If they need to give you an IV quickly, they won't have to "fumble" to find a vein. To quote one of my Facebook readers, "They said it was in case there was an emergency and I started to bleed out. I said "If you're telling me if there isn't anyone here that can save me in an emergency if I dont have an IV line in already then I need to leave because I don't feel safe." They laughed, said good point and left me alone." The hospital group I refer to in the Fort Worth area, the UNT Health Nurse-Midwives, have not required even a hep-lock for my students unless there was a medical reason to do so.

One more thing I found extremely interesting about IV use in labor. This can have a negative effect on breastfeeding. Mellanie Sheppard, IBCLC, explained this at a Tarrant County Birth Network meeting one evening: When a woman has IV fluids, she becomes swollen and puffy until the extra fluid has time to leave her body. This can include extra fluid in the breast. A woman who didn't think she had flat nipples before now may have a problem with the baby latching properly. She might be started on a nipple shield and thus started down a road that could have been prevented by simply avoiding the IV in the first place.

Last week I wrote about various policies that contribute to the high c-section rates and neglectfully left routine IVs off that list. It should have been there. Drink your water. Talk to your care providers. If you are choosing to birth in the hospital, search out the care providers who practice evidence-based maternity care. You will likely have to concede on some issues, but choose your "battles" carefully and thoughtfully.

Hospital Policies that Encourage these Outrageous C-Section Rates

2011-10-10T06:00:00.000-05:00

Over the years, I have narrowed down the hospital policies that are the biggest problem for moms who want to have an unmedicated birth. Short and sweet! Here are your red flags:

1) The use of continuous Electronic Fetal Monitoring (EFM). I wrote about this one last week. This chains mom to the bed. She's not moving around, helping her baby figure his/her way out. This policy is applied in nearly all hospital births. It's very convenient for the nurses, but not for the mom. Evidence indicates that it is not safer for the baby and the c-section rates rise when EFM is used. Check with your hospital and your care provider. If your care provider "approves" intermittent monitoring, make sure that gets written in your chart. (Just a heads up -- while this improves your chances of not having EFM, it is not a guarantee.)

2) If your water breaks, you are in bed for the duration of your labor. They claim this is for your benefit, saving you from a c-section, as the umbilical cord could suddenly slip out, endangering the baby, making a c-section necessary. The chances of this actually occurring are about .3% of all births. How can you prevent this from occurring? Don't let anyone break your water! This is more likely to happen if the baby is high in the pelvis. If your baby is low, this is not really a risk. Also, if this is going to occur, it usually happens when the water breaks.

A couple other things worth noting that may or may not seem obvious: You will be on a time clock once your water breaks (find out what that means at your place of birth - usually 12-24 hours), so you really want to do things that encourage the baby to come. Laying in bed on a monitor doesn't really do that! Pitocin is usually started after water breaks. Evidence just doesn't make a lot of sense with this policy. They say that they are trying to prevent you from having a c-section, but by keeping you in bed, that is exactly where you are headed!

3) Vaginal Exams every two hours. The reason women are given vaginal exams are because they have epidurals and can't feel when they are ready to push. A woman who isn't numb doesn't need to be told how dilated she is or when to push. Failure to Progress is the 2nd most common reason women have c-sections (2nd to already having had a previous c-section). So let's add this up: She's in bed, on a fetal monitor, having vaginal exams every two hours. She's not moving or using gravity. I know of a hospital midwifery group that hardly ever does vaginal exams, unless there is a medical reason to do so. This is how it should be. Many women will stay at a certain number of dilation for many hours and then suddenly dilate in a short amount of time. Labor is not all about the dilation of the cervix! Vaginal exams are directly related to the dreaded time clock.

4) Does your hospital employ midwives? This is a big deal. If there are not midwives at your hospital, only the medical model of care is practiced. This is the only model the OBs use and the only model the nurses see. The midwifery model of care views labor and birth as a normal process. The medical model views childbirth as a medical emergency waiting to happen. They believe that medicine and technology improve the safety and process of birth.

5) Does your hospital have a no-VBAC policy? Then they don't trust birth and they don't read the evidence.

Finally, don't ignore the red flags. I could go on and on about policies that the majority of hospitals have that are problems for a natural birth mama. Follow your gut. There are great places to have your baby. Seek them out. Hopefully this list will be helpful on your journey. Don't be a victim! Like I always say, as long as your baby is still inside, you have options. This is your birth. Choose a birth place that respects your wishes and shows reverence towards your special day.

Electronic Fetal Monitoring -- Is it really saving babies?

2011-10-03T06:00:00.000-05:00

As Tim McGraw's biggest fan, I subscribe to a number of Country news emails and Facebook groups. I skip over most of it, but sometimes I'll see something that catches my eye that is not even related to Tim. As you can imagine, it usually has to do with someone having a baby.

A couple of weeks ago it came across my News Feed that Jewel was showing off her new baby. She lives in this area of Texas, about an hour from me, and because we have about a 50% c-section rate, I was very curious how things turned out for her. (I had heard that she had desired a "natural birth.")

The story goes that she was doing Hypnobirthing -- no details available. Could have been self-study or CDs, maybe a class. So I assume that desiring a "natural birth" really did mean an unmedicated birth, not just a vaginal birth.

The article went on to describe how violent the Braxton-Hicks contractions were and put the baby at risk. Yadda, yadda, yadda... she had an emergency c-section that miraculously saved her baby.

The singer, who studies hypnobirthing, was eager to have a natural birth, but things didn’t work out as planned. When Jewel started having early Braxton Hicks contractions, Kase’s heart rate dropped. She admits, “I feel lucky to be pregnant in the modern age where they could actually tell he wasn’t well during those contractions.”

In the end, Jewel says her scheduled birth plan wasn’t what was important to the young family. “We felt thankful that we had good doctors and a good hospital nearby, and that everything was OK,” she says. “I’m so lucky that we have a healthy baby boy. That’s all I cared about.”

I can't help but think this poor reporter got his terms mixed up about the contractions, and there's little information to go on from there.

Regardless, how many women have had c-sections that truly believe they were necessary -- that their baby would have died without the surgery? Countless. The year the Electronic Fetal Monitor was introduced, we went from a 5% c-section rate to 23%. Studies have shown time and again that a baby who is truly in distress will be picked up with intermittent monitoring. (Side note: "intermittent" means different things to different care providers. It may mean during and between a couple of contractions per hour, or 20 minutes per hour. Find out what intermittent means at your place of birth.)

One of the problems with the continuous monitoring is the lack of communication between the birth team and the parents. Mom is monitored from down the hall, and when a nurse does walk in, she tends to look at the monitor and not the laboring woman. Another problem is obvious: mom can't move around and help her baby out. The baby is left to figure it out on his/her own.

Problem number 3: Any time a mom receives drugs of any kind, she'll be put on a monitor to be sure the baby is handling it OK. This can mean hours and hours of a baby being exposed to ultrasound. That's what Electronic Fetal Monitoring is -- ultrasound. I've written posts on the risks of ultrasound in the past. Click here and here and here. You need to decide how comfortable you are with this intervention.

Problem number 4: The biggest problem of all is simply that they have to do something with the results of the readout. Take a baby that has a cord around the neck, for example. This baby will have decels of the heart rate on the printout. They aren't sure why the baby's heart rate is dropping, but better safe than sorry, right? Lawsuit alarms start going off and a c-section is performed. The baby is fine (Jewel's baby looked great!), but there is this perception -- or defense mechanism -- that thank goodness the c-section was performed and saved the baby.

Was the baby ever in trouble?

We'll never know. But now, because it's so hard to find a VBAC-friendly doctor, we've put this mom on a c-section path for all her children -- unless of course she becomes informed of her VBAC options. As an OB, this is exactly where I want her. Easier for me and twice as much money. Few women will question the c-section because it makes her look like a bad mom. She trusts her doctor. It's easier to believe that the surgery saved the baby.

Another side note: The cord around the baby's neck occurs in about one in three births. When a c-section is performed where the cord is around the neck, the OB often makes a big deal about it, making the parents feel like this was very dangerous. It's not. The OB or midwife, after the head is out, will simply lift it over the baby's head. It could be wrapped around the neck several times! The most I've seen from one of my student's was 4 times! Had she stayed with her original hospital and OB -- who required continuous monitoring -- she assuredly would have had a c-section. Instead, she had a fabulous water birth with CNMs at a different hospital.

So, I feel bad for Jewel. Maybe her baby really was in distress, but I suspect that the doctor didn't want such a public birth taking a chance at going sour. Given the high c-section rate in our area, perhaps he was less comfortable with (unmedicated) vaginal birth than cesarean birth. He knew he could perform a mean c-section and spin it like he saved the baby. Again, just me speculating. I do believe that she was likely another victim of our broken maternity system and doesn't even realize it. While I always advocate for women being informed of their choices in childbirth, sometimes ignorance is probably quite blissful.

My SIL Has a Cool New Blog

2011-09-26T06:00:00.000-05:00

My sister-in-law, Tamara, started a blog this summer called Mess-Cipes: Inspiration for Early Childhood and if you have little ones at home, you will LOVE it! She has always been super creative and good with kids. This idea has been over a decade in-the-making, as her youngest child is now 18!

Some of the different topics include:

Sorry for the super short blog post today, but I wanted to steer you over to Tamara's blog (Yes, the is the same SIL that was a doula and saved me from a c-section with my first baby. Read the story here.)

I hope you take some great ideas from Mess-Cipes and have fun with your kids!

BOLD Fort Worth was awesome, in case you were wondering. The play was so well done and I think everyone laughed and cried, but most importantly walked away having a better understanding of their options in childbirth. The Birth & Family Expo was so much fun and the vendors and silent auction were great! Thanks to all those that volunteered and participated. I have spent the day resting. I hope they have too! Now life resumes to normal, right?

BOLD Fort Worth -- THIS WEEKEND!

2011-09-19T06:00:00.000-05:00

BOLD FORT WORTH OPENS THIS FRIDAY!

What is BOLD Fort Worth? It's 3 performances of a play called "Birth" and a Birth & Family Expo with over 60 vendors and a Silent Auction. The event benefits the Tarrant County Birth Network.

This year, there are three performances of "Birth," a play by Karen Brody, to choose from.

Friday, September 23 @ 7:00 pm

Saturday, September 24 (Crybaby Matinee) @ 2:00 pm

Saturday, September 24 @ 7:00 pm

Tickets are on sale at several locations in and around Tarrant County, including several Birth Centers and Chiropractors' offices. Tickets can also be purchased online and picked up at Will Call. They are on sale for $10 each and will be $15 at the door.

Each performance will be followed by a Talkback, led by yours truly, where you will have the opportunity to hear from and ask questions of various birth professionals that work in Tarrant County. The Talkback will run about an hour.

BOLD Fort Worth will take place at the Bob Duncan Center in Arlington. There is plenty of parking on the south side of the building.

On Saturday, look forward to the Birth & Family Expo from 11:00 am - 6:00 pm. The first 500 people through the door will receive a "green" goody bag. This year we have twice as many vendors. There is such variety in vendors, you'll enjoy every minute. Pick up some fabulous products -- some for baby and some for you! -- and gather some valuable information and resources from various business in Tarrant County.

Also at the Birth & Family Expo, you can take part in the Silent Auction. I am a total junkie and this Silent Auction is no exception. Come bid and win on all kinds of services, products, gift cards, etc.

All proceeds benefit the Tarrant County Birth Network, which I am a Chapter Leader. If you live in the Ft. Worth/Dallas area, we invite you to be a part of our organization. We hold free monthly meetings and have held some pretty cool events, and even published a book of birth stories, The Birth Next Door. BOLD Fort Worth is our big fundraiser that makes these other things possible throughout the year. I hope you'll come out and support Mother-Friendly choices in and around Tarrant County.

This year marks the 5th Anniversary of "Birth" being performed around the world. The play is the story of 8 women as they share their birth stories, all very different from one another. This year, Karen Brody added a VBAC storyline for one of the 8 women, so if you saw the play last year, it will be different this time around.

We decided to put a rating on the play this year of PG-13. It probably is not a play for children. With that being said, we are holding a Crybaby Matinee on Saturday afternoon for those with babies. The actors have been warned that this will be the noisy show!

If you are not a fan on our BOLD Facebook page and TCBN Facebook page, that really is the best way to keep track of the updates.

We are printing "My Body Rocks" t-shirts to celebrate BOLD. You can also pick up TCBN logo shirts, "The Birth Next Door," as well as vinyl for your car window. All will be available at BOLD Fort Worth at the TCBN table. Stop by and see us.

Buy your tickets now. See you this weekend!

My Thoughts on 9/11

2011-09-12T06:00:00.004-05:00

I am writing this on September 11. It's been 10 years since my country was attacked.

I do not have any family in the military. I cannot identify with the thousands of families that sacrifice to send loved ones out each and every day -- and year -- to fight for and protect The United States of America. I am one of the millions that is not touched in my daily life by the War on Terror. But I am one that is incredibly grateful for the sacrifice on my behalf, so that I can live free and free from terror. Thank you.

I love my country. I cannot hear the National Anthem without getting tears in my eyes. Forget trying to sing it -- I can't even get through it! I love to see my flag waving in the wind. And since I live in Texas, the bigger the better! The history of The United States is like none other. In fact, the only text book I ever read cover to cover was US History in college.

My children are of ages now that they are learning about 9/11 and we have had many discussions about that day. Life changed that September day. Innocence was lost. The whole world changed.

I held my 5-month-old baby on the couch for days, watching the television in horror, not believing this was happening to my country. Things like this didn't happen in America. Who would ever hate us this much? My son was 5 years old at the time. He would look up at the TV every now-and-then and then continue playing with his toys. He built towers and crashed other toys into them, knocking them to the ground. It made me cry. I wrestled with turning off the TV, but I couldn't. I had to watch. I had to know and understand what was happening. Like all those that flocked to Ground Zero and the blood banks. I felt a unity with my fellow Americans. I could not turn off the TV and pretend this wasn't happening.

The sky was eerily quiet for several days. I remember driving from Albuquerque to Santa Fe to see my parents, listening to Lee Greenwood sing "I'm Proud to Be An American" and sobbing my eyes out. My father had a heart attack 6 days after 9/11 -- the first of several that would happen over the next 6 weeks. It was a stressful time. My siblings came from out of state when my dad was in the hospital and were surprised that I was still flying my flag on my front porch. I never wanted to take it down. In fact, I still wish I could fly it every day of every year.

This post has nothing to do with birth or breastfeeding, but I felt compelled to write it. I live in my own little bubble most of the time. My 10-year-old has a friend whose mom serves in the Air Force and is in Iraq again. She leaves for an entire year, only coming home for 14 days. I believe she's there for the third time. Her friend has two little sisters, too. I can't imagine the sacrifices that family makes. The girl's dad came by to pick up Abby the other day, and it was windy out. I have this little Uncle Sam statue on my porch with an American Flag in his hands. The flag had blown down and was laying on the concrete when he came to the door. He gently picked up the flag and place it back in Uncle Sam's hands. I was humbled and quite embarrassed that it had been laying on my porch when everything about their family has to do with protecting our country.

I wish we could remain naive. I wish we could greet loved ones at the gate instead of the baggage claim. I wish our children didn't have to grow. The world can be a yucky place. When Vena, now 12, learned about 9/11, the thing that stuck with her was all the people that jumped from the burning towers. How could that have possibly been better that staying in the burning building? She had nightmares for weeks, that is, when she would finally fall asleep.

I love our elementary school. Every Veteran's Day they do a beautiful program in the school parking lot. Every public servant you can think of -- all military branches, police, firefighters, EMT, etc -- are honored. The kids learn and perform all those American songs we love -- America the Beautiful, I'm Proud to Be An American, and The Star-Spangled Banner. I learned that first year, bring your tissues! As long as they continue to do that program, even when I no longer have children there, I will make that my tradition on Veteran's Day.

I won't even touch on the politics, but I will say that the way I have viewed the world since 9/11 has caused me to change a number of attitudes, including how I vote. I was never concerned about war and such before that fateful day. I hope we never encounter a day like that again. I am grateful that 10 years have passed and we haven't seen another attack like 9/11. Someone was doing something right, I believe.

Thank you to those that love this country as much as I do -- perhaps more -- to step out on the front line to defend this land that I love. God Bless the USA.

Birth Plans

2011-08-29T06:00:00.032-05:00

Birth plans have been a hot topic in my neck of the woods lately and I just wanted to throw my two cents in to the mix.

When I start talking birth plans with some people, I see them roll their eyes -- even on the phone, I can actually hear some people rolling their eyes! Especially Labor & Delivery nurses. The comment I've heard most often is, "The lady that brings in a birth plan is always the one that ends up with a c-section!"

My approach to birth plans has always been this: A woman needs to know her options before she can think about a birth plan. In class, we play an "Options" game where we talk about all types of things that will likely be brought up during your birth -- some positive, some negative. The point is just to get people talking and learning about various interventions, when they are actually necessary, and finally how they feel about them. We go over all these options and then I encourage them to go home and print out the 22 page birth plan online (you know what I'm talking about!) and check off all the little boxes. Again, just to get the two of you talking about how you feel about these options.

From there, it gets significantly whittled down to a simple one page document that is unique to the two of you and your wishes. My favorite is the "Yes, Please" and the "No, Thank You" columns. Polite, and not a list of demands by any means, which I think sometimes the L&D nurses envision when handed the dreaded Birth Plan.

When I was pregnant with my 4th baby, I had imagined myself laboring in my bathroom with the big garden tub. I don't think I had ever said that out loud and it certainly wasn't on a piece of paper. I loved that bathroom. I had been contracting all day long -- it was such a great day, really -- but it was not until I got to that bathroom around 8:30 that night that contractions really picked up. By the time David came in the bathroom about 30 or 45 minutes later, I was telling him to call the midwife. He couldn't believe it. After timing a couple of contractions and listening to me sound out my contractions, he agreed to call her.

I strongly believe in Emotional Relaxation. I believe that the mind is a very powerful thing, possibly the most powerful tool in labor. I've known many women in various labor situations that without a doubt, Emotional Relaxation played a huge role in how their labor played out -- good and bad. I believe that imagining your birth -- imagining yourself remaining calm and relaxed, imagining the smells you want to smell, the food you might want to eat, the music you might want to listen to -- are all good things.

Labor is a funny thing, as we all know. We don't get to choose our labor, which I believe, is what makes it so exciting. Hindsight is always 20-20 and you can always look back and think or wish you had done something different. It's hard to just roll with the punches and enjoy the journey, but that is my best advice. Take it one contraction at a time. It's like I always say in class, if we knew exactly what your labor would be like, that's what we'd prepare for, but since we don't, we'll prepare for all sorts of situations that labor is likely to throw at you. Hopefully you will feel prepared to deal with them as they come.

Back to the birth plans: Go ahead and make one. Making a birth plan doesn't mean that you are married to one kind of birth and you are going to be unhappy with your birth if it doesn't look like it does on paper. It just means that you have talked about all the options and have decided what is important to you. You have a right to have those wishes heard and honored.

We makes plans every single day of our life. I live by my list every day, every week, every month. Sometimes I get it all done, exactly like I plan, and other days, life happens and the list doesn't. I understand that obstacles are in the middle of the road occasionally, and I may have to go around them or just deal with them head on. Laundry is a weekly obstacle that gets in the way of my plans!

You don't stop planning your life just because it might not happen the way you want it to. Go ahead, plan your lovely birth. Pay close attention, when you imagine your birth, to the details -- the people in the room, the lighting, the temperature. Keep the things you like and dump the rest. Enjoy your labor. It's yours and only yours, no matter what it looks like on paper. Enjoy the journey, speed bumps and all.

Finally, honor your labor and your birth. I've had several people over the years that have had "necesareans" and some of those have rolled a little easier with the punches than others. I think mourning the loss of something you didn't have or get is a tough place to be. Talking to people who understand is so important, and at some point, acceptance is necessary. Knowing you did everything within your power to carry out your birth plan seems to be an important step to accepting the outcome. My friend, Abbey, writes a blog called The Road to VBAMC and she just wrote a fabulous post this week titled When Your Birth Doesn't Go As Planned. If you are in this situation, I suggest you head over there and check out what she had to say. I think you'll find it extremely helpful.

Birth Plans? Don't be afraid of what might happen. Go ahead and plan what you hope will happen.

A Letter to Grandma-To-Be: All the Things You Want to Say But Can't

2011-08-22T06:00:00.007-05:00

A few years ago, I took dinner to a dear friend who had just had her 4th baby. It was the day she had gotten home from the hospital -- in fact, she had only been home a couple of hours -- and what did I find? The Grandma sitting on the couch holding the new baby and the mom up, rushing around, helping the other kids get their dinner dished up. When I left, she walked me to my car, and we had a heart to heart. She didn't want her mother-in-law to be the one to hold the baby, but she felt so awkward about asking her to trade places.

As so it is with many new moms. As a childbirth educator, I see so many pregnant women worried about their mother or mother-in-law coming to help after the baby is born. Since it is so hard for many of these women to say what's in their heart, allow me:

Dear Mom-

I am so excited you will be spending some precious time with us after our baby arrives. We are committed to letting the baby come on his/her own time, so we hope that waiting time is enjoyable for us all. Let's make the most of these last few days together before our world is turned upside-down!

We have prepared for the birth by taking classes and we have talked a lot about our hopes for after our baby is here. Breastfeeding is so important to us both. In order to establish a good milk supply, I plan on holding my baby and feeding her a lot! I am so excited for this experience. I know that you will also want to get in some good bonding time with your new grandbaby, and there will be plenty of times that I'll need your help with that, including when I shower or nap.

We have discussed what we hope to be able to do ourselves, but also made a list of things that we would happily accept your help with. Among that list is cooking, shopping, dishes, and general pick-up. Everyone has told me to "sleep when the baby sleeps", but I know that will be hard for me to look around and see the mess. I would be so grateful for your help in those early days of helping to keep things straightened around the house so I can enjoy and get to know my new baby.

Everyone tells me how much the baby will change in the first month and I don't want to miss a thing! Thank you so much for coming to help us and for respecting our wishes as we embark on this new journey called parenthood. I love you.

If you have not made a list of how people can help you after the baby is born, do so. Have a talk between you and your husband too. Decide who will do what in the first couple of weeks postpartum. You may not be comfortable with other people doing certain things for you. For example, I don't want anyone doing my family's laundry. Weird? Maybe. But cook for me, shop for me, do my dishes, mow my lawn -- I can make a list!

Their job in coming to help you when you have a baby is not to actually help with the baby -- it's to help you with housework so you can bond with your baby and recover adequately. Your emotions will be in overdrive and being able to just focus on the baby will help you transition from pregnancy to being this baby's mother. Let your mother help you do that, but give her a road map.

You want to cry when she leaves because she was that helpful around your house -- not because your relationship is damaged due to her lack of help at your time of need. Communication is the key. I hope this letter is a starting point if this is a difficult topic for you or your husband to approach with your family. Enjoy your Babymoon!

Hoping for a Fast Labor? Think again!

2011-08-15T06:00:00.001-05:00

There is a list I give out in Class 8 titled "Variations of Labor" and we spend the entire class discussing this list. Some of the things listed include Premature Rupture of Membranes (PROM), Breech, Failure to Progress, etc. Also on this list is "Fast Labor". I always start out this class by telling everyone they will have something from this list, but you don't get to pick which one it'll be. There's always someone in the room that shouts out, "I get the fast labor!" to which everyone laughs and they fight over who gets that one!

My friend, Janet, who I referred to in last weeks post, had a very fast labor with her 2nd baby -- 3 hours to be exact -- and she received so many comments along the lines of, "Well, if my labor was that fast, I could do it without drugs too!" Comments like that total negate the incredibly hard work she did in those turbulent 3 hours.

Now, if you had a very long labor, I know we aren't getting any sympathy from you! It's great if there is a balance between fast and hard and long and slow. While there are things that will sometimes work to speed things up or slow things down, we still don't get to choose.

I don't know how many times I've heard, "Who cares how the baby gets here as long as they are healthy." We just want labor to be as fast as possible so we can get it over with.

Any time a mom is dilating quickly, contractions are right on top of another. She gets very little break, if any. Now, hindsight is always 20/20. A mom having a fast labor doesn't know she's having a fast labor - especially if her last labor was 30 hours. She's thinking "I can't do this for 28 more hours!"

Some of you have had a fast labor and you know it was out of your control. It was like a roller coaster ride that you couldn't get off of and just had to hang on until the end. When you get off the ride, it's all a blur -- the racing heart, the just wanting it to be over, the nausea, the fear. Generally, when women have a baby super fast, they just can't believe it when it's over, also a blur. Most of them will say that they wish it had been longer and they got to enjoy their labor more, to use some of the techniques they learned in class. They missed out on enjoying the "putsy-putsy" stage, as Dr. Bradley called it, with their spouse. The processing of a fast labor is unique.

It's hard to explain to a woman about to start labor all the reasons not to hope for a fast labor. I've seen women hope for a slower labor, only to have a fast one! Since you don't get to choose the pace of your labor, I don't want to scare anyone, I just am hoping to help some moms to see that maybe a fast labor isn't all that it's chalked up to be. Let's show some respect to those that had super fast labors. They were hard and intense.

A side note about fast labors: Mom is more likely to tear when the labor is fast because she doesn't have as much time to stretch. This is also more common with smaller babies that have a tendency to shoot through the birth canal. Big babies and longer labors ain't so bad after all, my friends.

Some quick tips if you are having a fast labor:

Labor on your hands and knees. This takes the baby's head off your cervix and may help slow things down a bit.

Get in the water. Even if it doesn't slow contractions down, they will at least feel different and more tolerable in water than on land.

If the baby is coming through the birth canal fast, lie on your side. It lessens the tension on the perineum and makes you less likely to tear.

Enjoy that labor. It belongs to you and your baby. You only get to experience it once. Don't wish it away by hoping it goes by super fast.

I have to end this post with the same picture I opened with, simply because it totally makes me laugh. Labor is a roller coaster ride. Embrace the thrill!

Still laughing...

Sounding Your Labor: Are you In or Out of Control?

2011-08-08T06:00:00.021-05:00

If you are a "birth junkie" you've probably watched dozens of birth videos. Or maybe you are pregnant for the first time and are pretty freaked out to watch them! So many of the birth videos out there seem to play serene music as the baby is born, dubbing over the sounds the mother may be making. The viewer is left with this impression that the birthing woman peacefully -- and quietly -- pushed her baby out.

When I was pregnant with my second baby -- first unmedicated birth though -- my friend Janet told me that "sounding" her labor helped her so much. I don't know that we spent much time talking about it, but I must have remembered her telling me that because I was definitely "sounding" out that labor! At one point, my midwife could tell that this was helping me so much and she calmly said, "Donna, you sound fabulous. Keep doing exactly what you are doing." This was huge for me because in my head I thought I sounded like a lunatic, and yet, I didn't want to stop doing it because it was helping me stay calm and focused and relaxed.

As the baby descended and was coming through the birth canal, I got a little panicked and wild. I screamed "IT BURNS!" when the baby's head crowned. The whole scene was followed by lots of euphoric crying, "I did it! You're here!" Needless to say, my first birth video looks nothing like the pretty ones I show in class!

Despite my midwife's words, I spent years feeling bad for sounding out my labor and especially for screaming the way I did when her head was crowning. I felt that I should have been quiet and turned inward, welcoming my baby into a quiet dark room -- just like the women in the videos.

To this day, that birth video is still the most emotional to watch and listen to. I just love it. I love the way I sound when I hold my baby skin to skin, fresh from my womb. I went from the most intense and painful thing I'd ever experienced to absolute euphoria and joy! And I can hear every bit of it!

My 3rd baby, if you've read my birth stories, was the hardest of them all, simply because I didn't prepare on any level. I was a know-it-all. I hollered so loud when that baby came through, I scared the mailman right off our porch! I yelled because it hurt, but looking back on it 10 years later, I think it's also because I was so angry at myself for letting myself begin labor without even preparing for it. I hate listening to that video. I sound awful. It is so obvious that I was struggling. There was no euphoric "You're here!" when the baby was out. I was just so unbelievably grateful that it was over. Completely exhausted.

By the 4th baby, I was fairly comfortable with the fact that I am a what-I-call "vocal birther". I had been teaching childbirth classes for a couple of years by the time I had her and talked about this in class. I had attended a handful of births as well and learned quite a bit about this "sounding".

Several days ago, I asked on my Facebook page if anyone had any topics they'd like me to write about, and one of the midwives I work a lot with, Melody, asked me to write on this topic of sounding out your labor:

"... Making noise and being "open" in labor! So many mommies think they didn't "birth well" because they thought they were loud or " out of control" when they are comparing with birth videos etc. It's not uncommon for women to apologize for how they responded or the noise they made. I would love to see a post on this topic!"

I could relate to this sentiment because I felt the same way with two of my babies. The truth is actually quite the opposite. I spend 12 weeks teaching relaxation - physical, mental, and emotional. Sounding is so closely tied to physical relaxation. When a dad calls me when they are in labor, if I can hear the laboring woman, I can tell how well she is handling contractions. How?

OK, from your computer, do this with me. Reading this on your phone in Walmart at the check-out? You might wait till you are in the car!

Take a regular breath and let out a high-pitched "aaahhh". This is the sound that many women make on TV when they are in labor. It's high-pitched and obvious that she is in pain. In fact, we are all in pain from listening to her!

Now take a good deep breath from the abdomen, open your throat, and let out a low-pitched "aaahhh". Let your shoulders drop. As the laboring woman peeks in her contractions, this sound will like get louder and longer, and hopefully lower. The lower the sound, the more open her throat, the more relaxed and deep her breathing, the more her shoulders and jaw drop. Without the noise, she simply cannot be this relaxed.

A person can lay perfectly still and quiet and be completely tense. Noise is good. It's good for mom. It's good for baby. If mom is taking these good, deep, long breaths during contractions, baby is getting good oxygen. If she is chest-breathing and letting out short, high-pitched sounds, baby is not getting good oxygen and mom is tensing up in the shoulders, the jaw, and the abdomen, and therefore the uterus. Sounding is even good for your midwife! It helps her know how you are doing and perhaps how she can help you. It also helps her know where you are in your labor. By the 3rd baby, David knew exactly when that baby was on it's way out by the sounds I was making!

Think O-P-E-N and L-O-W sounds. Should the mom sounding out labor feel bad about the sounds she's making? No way! Giving birth is, in the words of my last midwife, Barb Pepper, "animalistic". She'd tell me to make some noise, let it out! It's normal, it's healthy, and it's expected.

So what about those birth videos? What should we do about them? They are great visually, but they do women a disservice by editing the audio. Hearing birth is equally important. This is one reason I strongly suggest my students watch Orgasmic Birth. We get to hear birth and lots of it! It's real. Don't be afraid of the name, if you haven't seen it. It's a fabulous film on many levels, but for the purpose of this post, we're just focusing on the sounds of a laboring woman. Dads should watch this movie too. Many men are uncomfortable with the sounds their wife might make in labor, and it is so important that they become acquainted with these sounds and welcome them. Recognize the high and low pitches and help her stay low and open.

Most importantly, this is your labor. No one will ever give birth exactly like you. You can't do it wrong. You may not be a "vocal birther" like me. You may be very quiet and do all your relaxing through your breath. That is OK too. Find your ritual and run with it. If sounding is a part of that ritual that helps your through labor and birth, great! "Sound" loud and proud, Mama!

Transitioning from Co-Sleeping

2011-08-01T06:00:00.001-05:00

This is a bittersweet topic for me. Probably for you too if you are in the middle of transitioning baby/toddler from your bed. I've got a couple of friends going through this right now, so this post is for them.

Let me clarify - I don't miss the days of having a toddler in my bed, but I really do miss having a small baby. I loved the smell of that little one and feeling her little body mold to mine as she nursed throughout the night.

I have talked about co-sleeping and bed-sharing in previous posts over the years. Here's one, two, and three of my favorites. But there does come a time when you -- and baby -- are done and just want your own sleeping space. And that's OK. Even exciting. My number one bit of advice is to be patient. I know this is easier said than done on some nights, but I promise that they will sleep in their own bed one day and it will be all night long.

Everyone's circumstances are unique and all babies are unique. Take what works and throw out the rest. I'm going to tell you some things that worked for us with our 4 children -- who are fabulous sleepers now at ages 15, 12, 10, and 6. They weren't always that way though...

Baby #1 was not exclusively co-slept. He was back and forth all night long. He stopped breastfeeding at 15 months, and while I hesitate to say this -- that is when he stopped waking all night. Now don't go use that as an excuse to stop breastfeeding! I wasn't trying to wean him, I just realized on Friday that he hadn't nursed since Tuesday. He was still in a crib though until about 21 months.

Moving out of a crib and into a "real" bed is really the same as moving out of mom and dad's bed and into their own bed. The techniques we used were about the same.

Baby #2 always slept in a crib and wanted to be left alone. Ironically, she has been our worst sleeper since about the age of 6 -- hard time falling asleep and a light sleeper. There was no transitioning with her. She never nursed to sleep. She always wanted us to put her in her crib and leave her alone.

Baby #3 was our hardest. We had the crib and by the simple nature of having the crib set up, we felt obligated to use the crib. If we had just been co-sleepers and not tried to force her into a crib, we probably wouldn't have had the difficulties that we did. All night long, she rotated from the crib, to our bed, to a playpen. That being said, I can appreciate that many of you are in this situation right now and you do not use a crib. So how do you lovingly transition baby to his own bed?

You've taken extreme care in helping your baby feel secure about sleep up to this point. She's learned that sleep is pleasant, but like any change, it takes some getting use to a new bed and surroundings. It can be exciting and scary for your baby. Be patient.

Baby #4 never had a crib. When she moved to her own bed, granted, she had two sisters in the room with her. It was exciting for her. She was one of the big kids. She was 28 months old. She had had her bed in our room, but she would never stay in it. Moving it to the girls' room was best for her. We had tried to move her at about 20 months to that bed (in our room), but she just wasn't ready. It was too much work. If it's that hard, they aren't ready! She stayed in our bed another 8 months. Again, ironically, when she quit breastfeeding at 28 months, this is also when she transitioned, and slept through the night.

OK, there's a little about our experiences. On to some of our tricks:

One of our tricks with baby #1 and #3 that helped was to sit outside their bedroom in the hallway. This sounds crazy, but it gave them the security that I was there, but they needed to learn to sleep in their own bed. Key advice here: Have a good book and a book light! I found myself looking forward to this time of night because I didn't feel like this was a time-suck, sitting in the hallway. When I didn't have a book to read, I hated sitting there thinking of all the things I needed to get done. "Hurry up and fall asleep!" was all I could think. I became impatient and toddler felt that, cried, and became more clingy. Fail.

They will come out of bed, likely, several times. That's OK. This is new and exciting to be able to get out of bed. They feel independent. And if they have mostly nursed to sleep up until now, this may be quite new for them. We kept a sippy cup of water by their bed. When they get out of bed and come look at you in the hallway, simply put your book down and tuck them back in. I didn't talk to them at all, especially after several times of getting out of bed. Initially, I would remind them that I would stay until they fell asleep, but eventually they get bored with the whole thing and fall asleep.

I never did nightlights for any of the kids. I felt like it kept them awake. They had never slept with one in our room, so why start now? I felt like knowing I was nearby is what made it all OK.

Some parents have a pallet on the floor in their room and try that initially. It's all the same idea, really -- just letting toddler know that you are still nearby. I never liked doing the falling-asleep-next-to-baby and then sneaking away, even if their new bed was big enough. It was no different than what we had been doing. Plus, I found myself feeling like my evening was shot. Yes, I am selfish with my time. If I was reading in the hallway, I was good with that.

Whatever is going to make you the most patient parent, that is what I suggest!

I know the next question is "How long did it take?" I sat in the hallway with #3 for probably 2 weeks. She was 2 years old. And stubborn. Still is. She's also the most organized and responsible, so I let it slide!

If transitioning is a really awful experience, just wait a few weeks or months and try again. I promise, this will not last forever. They will sleep in their own bed. You want them to feel proud of themselves though, kind of like potty training. If they aren't ready and you are making them do it, your whole family will be miserable.

Roll with the punches (even the ones in the back in the middle of the night!). Know this phase of co-sleeping with this baby is almost over. You don't get that time back so enjoy every single minute. It'll make getting your own bed back that much sweeter.

The Mother-Friendly What?

2011-07-25T06:00:00.017-05:00

When I got together with a couple other ladies from my community to start a chapter of BirthNetwork National a year-and-a-half ago, we only had an inkling of what it would involve. We have grown to be the largest chapter in the country with nearly 100 members and have accomplished some amazing things in our community. If you are in the Fort Worth area, I would like to invite you to be a part of this growing movement.

Our chapter is the Tarrant County Birth Network. This spring, we published a book of birth stories called The Birth Next Door, which is available for sale, benefiting TCBN . We hold free monthly meetings on a variety of topics based on the MFCI (we'll get to that in a minute). Visit our website for topics and location.

We are currently in the process of gearing up for the 2nd year of BOLD Fort Worth 2011, consisting of a play, Birth, by Karen Brody and a Birth & Family Expo. Mark your calendar for September 23-24. If you have a Mother-Friendly business you'd like to advertise in TCBN's Resource Guide (distribution 10,000), there is still time! Here is a link that will tell you everything you need to know. Deadline is August 1st.

The foundation of the Birth Network is solid and this is really what I wanted to discuss in this post. We throw a lot of terms around and people tend to glaze over. For example, the 10 Steps of the Mother-Friendly Childbirth Initiative (MFCI) written by CIMS, or the Coalition for Improving Maternity Services, is the basis of everything we do, nationally and locally. The 10 Steps are evidence-based and have shown that if followed, maternity care will be improved for the entire family. I encourage you to read through these steps and check out the CIMS website. There are useful downloads there as well, including topics such as breastfeeding, induction, and risks of cesarean section.

Many people are aware of, or at least have heard of, the Baby-Friendly Hospital Initiative, written by WHO-UNICEF. I have discovered most people don't really know what that means, but it sounds good, doesn't it? There are 10 steps to being Baby-Friendly, and basically, it has to do with breastfeeding support -- not separating mom and baby, not offering bottles or pacifiers, and all around encouragement of breastfeeding.

The Baby-Friendly Hospital Initiative is a part of something much bigger -- it is the 10th Step to the Mother-Friendly Childbirth Initiative. I want to very briefly, in my own words, tell you what these steps are:

To be Mother-Friendly, a birth place must carry out these philosophical principles:

1. Anyone can be with the mother at all times if she so chooses, including a doula. She should have access to professional midwifery care. (Hospitals who do not employ midwives are not Mother-Friendly.)

2. Statistics are easy to come by.

3. Is respectful of differing cultures, customs, and religions.

4. Mom has the freedom to move as she wishes and is not forced to be in any position she does not choose.

5. If transfer of care becomes necessary, everyone is treated with respect and the mother receives respectful care throughout the process.

6. Routine interventions are not used unless medically indicated. Key statistics include: induction rate of 10% or less, episiotomy rate of 20% or less with a goal of less than 5%, c-section rate of 10% or less and 15% or less in high-risk hospitals, VBAC rate of 60% or more with a goal of more than 75%.

7. Staff is educated in non-drug methods of helping the laboring woman and does not encourage the use of drugs.

8. Staff encourages family members to hold, touch, and care for their baby, including premature or sick infants.

9. Discourages non-religious circumcision.

10. Baby-Friendly Hospital Initiative -- Breastfeed, breastfeed, breastfeed!

I hope you will press your care provider and birth places on these steps and if they are following them. The more we talk about Mother-Friendly Maternity care, the more common it will become.

If you are interested in finding a local chapter of BirthNetwork National, visit their website. There may be one near you. If not, start one!

The Poo-la Post

2011-07-18T06:00:00.001-05:00

I am on vacation -- just saw Tim McGraw for the 14th time tonight -- and I'm typing this on my iPhone in the dark. I'm working on a great post, but it's obviously not going to happen tonight! Just thought I'd share a funny little story from a few weeks ago...

My grandmother died at age 59 of colon cancer, so it has been suggested that our family members start colonoscopies at 40 years of age. I went in this April for my first one.

My husband went with me, of course. I've probably mentioned this before, but if I could only use one word to describe David, the word would be clever.

We were sitting in the waiting room, surrounded by people much older than us, and he starts quietly telling me that he thinks I should "go all natural," embracing the experience of the colonoscopy. He starts telling me that I don't need the drugs. He even says he'll be my poo-la.

By the time the nurse came back to get me I was laughing so hard I was crying. She thought I was afraid of the procedure.

Just so you know, it was a piece of cake, and because I know you are wondering, I don't have to go back until I'm 50! Woo-hoo!

Chiropractic: Standard Care for ALL Pregnant Women

2011-07-11T06:00:00.002-05:00

Y'all have heard me rave about how much my chiropractor has helped me when I wrote my Uterine Lift post. I have sent many couples her way with amazing results and relief. She has recently started attending my class explaining how chiropractic care benefits pregnant women. It's been so beneficial for so many women, I invited her to write a blog post about it. I truly believe that if all pregnant women saw a chiropractor, trained in the Webster Technique, and as knowledgeable as Dr. Kristen, we'd see more comfortable and shorter labors, not to mention less cesarean sections. I hope you find this post incredibly informative.

Hi. My name is Kristen O’Reilly, aka Dr. Kristen, aka Mom. I have two wonderful children (when they are at someone else’s house lol). My daughter is 11 and my son is 8. I birthed the first in the hospital and the second at home only 3 weeks after moving half-way across the country. I am a Chiropractor and natural birth advocate.

Its 4am. I've had 2 hours sleep tonight. Once again I'm waiting for that incredible new life to be born. I watch as a strong mom endures a very painful back labor caused by a posteriorly positioned baby. I wish that she had been under good chiropractic care so as not to have to struggle so much. I think back to the birth of my son. I remember the pain of “back labor” as his head pushed against my sacrum. I desperately wanted an adjustment to allow my sacrum and pelvis to spread open to allow my son to come through. Eventually he did in a military position (crowning with the top instead of with his head tucked). If only I knew then what I know now. If I had known the incredible benefits of a properly aligned spine and pelvis, the benefits of the nervous system working as it is designed, and the benefits of positional work I could have had a much easier pregnancy and labor.

You see I was under chiropractic care, well sort of. I got adjusted from time to time. Nothing very regular. I felt great, but looking back I can recognize that my body wasn't working properly. My periods were coming about once every 6 months with hormone fluctuations I’ll not go into ;) I'm surprised I got pregnant at all but a month after having a uterine lift I found myself looking at a plus sign.

The miracle of life. Two tiny cells came together to form a new life dividing and growing making the nervous system first then the circulatory system etc. I am in awe every time I think of the amazing way we are formed. How do those 2 cells know how to form us? Chiropractors call it “Innate Intelligence” – the intelligence that we all have within us that forms, regulates, and maintains each one of us, and which I believe was designed by God.

You might be asking yourself, “So what does Chiropractic back popping have to do with anything pregnancy related?” My answer: “EVERYTHING”. Chiropractic works to remove the interference in the nervous system by removing the stress on the spinal nerves thus restoring the communication lines between the brain and the body allowing the body to work as it was designed to work, allowing the Innate Intelligence of our bodies to flow unhindered. In other words, a misaligned bone causes a stressed out nerve and acts like a phone with bad “cell coverage”. The messages just aren’t getting through right.

Whenever a bone is out of place and interfering with the proper nerve flow, Chiropractors call it a “subluxation”. On a personal level, these are the places that can be painful (too much nerve flow), numb (not enough nerve flow), stuck, not moving properly, or anything in between. When Chiropractors adjust the body, they correct these subluxations to remove the nerve interference. I don’t know about you, but I want my body sending and receiving all of those signals, working the way it’s designed to work and at an optimal level, especially during pregnancy.

“So how does a subluxation affect pregnancy?” In order to regulate everything in the body, every cell in our body has 3-4 attachments to the nervous system. When our bodies become misaligned, the communication lines are disrupted to some degree or another. When subluxations in the low back and pelvis are removed, many couples struggling with infertility are finally able to conceive. This tells me that the subluxations may have been interfering with several things “down there” such as hormone balance, physical structures such as the uterus and ovaries, as well as the overall stress levels of the system, each of which can affect the overall health and well being of the mother in all of the related areas that are vital in pregnancy.

On a structural level, the alignment of the pelvis directly affects the position of the baby. Think of the uterus as a balloon being tethered down by 8 ligaments – 4 of which can greatly affect the position of the uterus because they attach to the pelvis, including the 2 Round Ligaments in front on each side of the uterus and the 2 Uterosacral Ligaments posterior to the uterus. When the pelvis and sacrum become misaligned or rotated, the ligaments are stretched or become lax depending on the pelvic rotation and can act to “twist” the bottom of the uterus. This twisting is called “intrauterine constraint” and can cause positional issues with the baby including breech, transverse, asynclitic head position (neck is flexed to side which can cause longer labors) and posterior babies (back labor). The ilio-psoas (pronounced “so-as” or as some of my patients call it, the “sore-ass” muscle) attaches to the front of the lumbar (low-back) spine and the inside of the hip and pelvic bones. (Awesome body images and psoas diagram here: http://health.yahoo.net/flash/vpbody/pelvis-female ) This very important core muscle acts as a sling behind the uterus and if tight or spasming on one side due to pelvic misalignment, it can shift the baby out of optimal alignment. So keeping the pelvis aligned can help give a breech or transverse baby room to turn, help baby lay on the left side, and can help shorten labors by an average of 30%.

Now that I’ve explained the basics, on to my favorite work….baby positioning. Position can be sooooo important during labor. It can make for a quick easy labor or, with an amazingly persevering mom, a 70+ hour labor, as with one of my babies whose shoulders got stuck. I have worked with women whose labors start and stop for several days so they come to get adjusted. These babies are usually sitting on the right side, have an asynclitic head position or have a head stuck on the pubic bone, and once we work to reposition them using pelvic adjustments, ligament and muscle releases, and www.spinningbabies.com techniques (thank you Gail Tully), these women will often go into labor within several hours if not on their way out of the office. I had one patient who showed up with contractions (ctx) 10-12 minutes apart whose water had broken 14 hours before. I released her sacrum and pelvis and used one rotational technique. Within 10 minutes, her ctx were 2 minutes apart and the baby was born less than 2 hours later. So often have I seen this that the midwives I work with in Cleburne made me change my day to work out of their office to Tuesday instead of Friday because they were tired of all of their weekends being taken up by the births.

Why does the right lying baby have this issue you might ask? Because babies almost always turn in a clockwise direction from right to left. This means they have to turn 270 degrees to get out from the right but only 90 degrees from the left. While they are trying to turn, labor can start and stop as the baby’s head puts pressure on the cervix differently. And until the head is fully applied to the cervix, labor will often times come and go.

So looking back on the birth of my son…he started on the right, went posterior and finally swung to the left but never tucked his chin. And had I known of the pelvic releases and Spinning Babies techniques, I know my labor would have been so much easier because I would have had the tools to help him work his way through my pelvis. Better yet, if I’d been getting proper Chiropractic care, he probably would have started in a better position (unless my placenta was anterior). That’s why I get up at 4am to help so many women get their babies in optimal positions during their labors. I've been there and hope you don't have to be.

Dr. Kristen works in Burleson, TX, and you can get more information about her and her services here. Please, feel free to share your experiences with chiropractic care during your pregnancy and labor.

The Etiquette of Attachment Parenting

2011-06-27T06:00:00.000-05:00

Really, I'm not trying to become one of those old ladies who criticizes how everyone is raising their children. This is one of those posts that you think, "Should I say it or should I not?" I'm gonna say it. Don't hate me.

My experience with Attachment Parenting (AP) has been this: My hairdresser turned me on to Dr. William Sears's Baby Book in 1996. After a couple of months of searching for a sling and finally finding a tie-dyed one, I started wearing my baby (back when no one did this) and sleeping with my baby. I tried to establish trust and a healthy relationship simply by meeting my baby's needs, often before he even knew what he needed. The idea behind Attachment Parenting is that you and your child are, simply, attached. He respects you because you respect him.

My babies never cried themselves to sleep. They nursed.  We got better with each baby mostly because we looked at our big kids and realized how fast the time went with the babies. We held them and enjoyed our time of their being little. We also had the advantage of seeing that, yes, they do eventually sleep -- even in their own beds -- and do other things that you can't imagine them doing when you are immersed in the craziness of toddlerhood.

We always did time-outs, which may be controversial in the world of Attachment Parenting. In fact, I'll be real honest. Our time out chair was an old car seat that no one could get out of. (Eventually, Daymon figured out he could just stand up and walk around with it attached to him and at that point, we moved on to taking away privileges, etc!) Time outs lasted however long their age was. For example, 3 years old = 3 minutes of time out. It was very effective. Usually the threat of time out was all that was needed, especially as they got older. I don't remember using timeouts after the age of 5.

Sometimes I totally yelled -- still do -- at my children. They will be the first to tell you that.   Often, I was -- and still am -- the one taking the time out! I am, by no means, the perfect parent. I can name lots of people that parent better than I do. I do like to think, however, that I have well-behaved children. Again, not perfect, but pretty darn good.

I've seen a trend over the last several months, under the umbrella of Attachment Parenting, that I would venture to call "permissive parenting," stolen from my friend Shannon's quote on someone's wall this weekend. She summed it up beautifully and I hope she doesn't mind me swiping it off Facebook!

"AP parenting is building a foundation that does last a lifetime. We are teaching our children that we will provide for them in a fundamental and practical way, emotional and practically. This can be done with bottle feeding, but it is not as easily done (it takes a LOT more effort), and the nutritional benefits are lacking.

That being said, it's sad to see the "AP" movement turn into a permissive parenting perspective that undoes much of what attachment parenting practices should do, establishing boundaries in a safe and loving environment."

Yes! This is what I'm talking about! I have seen parents who claim to practice AP let their children run wild, often in places where it is quite disruptive. I will refrain from expanding on that statement.

It is OK to discipline your child and teach them that there are appropriate places to run around and be loud. There is a time and place for everything. But it is OK -- and expected by old people like me! -- that parents will also teach their children how to sit still, be quiet, and listen or play quietly with a book, etc. If parents don't teach them, they will be forced to learn it in school by someone other than their parent. They will be labeled at that point. (A lot of AP parents homeschool and think this is a moot point. It's not. At some point, people will see your child as disruptive, disrespectful, irreverent, and possibly obnoxious.) Parents have a responsibility to teach their children how and when to be quiet!

I also see a lot of AP parents doing things for their children that I believe the children should be doing themselves, or at least learning to do. Picking up after themselves, for example. Occasionally I have people at my house with small children who play with the toys Darcy still has out. (Those days are limited for us, now. Soon they will be gone as she gets older.) It's interesting to watch how parents respond to the toys and the mess their children have made. Some parents will have their child pick them all up, while others will insist on their child helping to pick them up, usually explaining why it's important and respectful to do so (this is AP parenting!). Others will pick up all the toys while their children watch. Where is the lesson in that? Every now and then I have parents (and their children) who don't pick up any of the mess their children make. Don't get me started on that one.

I have to use another comment from a former student of mine that I read on Facebook this week. Again, I hope she doesn't mind me lifting her comment:

"...People may think I'm strict or unreasonable in training my kids to sit at the table and eat, but the reward comes when I can have a lovely dinner date with just my boy and girl. We talk, laugh, and eat, and it's usually quite nice. When he uses the manners we've taught him in dealing with the servers it makes me quite proud. He's such a sweet and grateful boy."

And that about sums it up. I might add that her children are very small. Yes, it is often more effort to correctly practice Attachment Parenting, but the payoff is tremendous.

I've thought a lot lately, as Daymon is approaching his 15th birthday, about Attachment Parenting and its significance it's played in my life as well as my childrens' lives. They do not remember being little -- breastfeeding, cosleeping, or constantly being carried in their sling. Their memories are scattered from when they were little. But, like Shannon said, AP parenting provides a foundation from which to build. A foundation of trust, of boundaries, respect, and growth. We want our children to grow into responsible, independent, trusting, and capable adults.

I look at each of my children, and while they all have different strengths and weaknesses, they have a good foundation. They are civilized and respectful and caring. The foundation is there, even if the memories (of things that were so important and significant to me) are not. When they are driving me crazy, I just reach back into my file and pull out a sweet memory of when they were little. I expect to do that a lot during these teenage years!

No Ingles? C-Section for You!

2011-06-20T05:00:00.004-05:00

This might raise more of a ruckus than anything I've ever said here. I believe -- with good reason -- that English being your second language puts you at risk for a c-section in America. Think about your friends or acquaintances for a minute. Maybe you are from another country and gave birth in America. Did you have a vaginal birth?

I have a couple of friends that work at a local hospital in the Dallas-Ft. Worth area with a c-section rate of 60%. They have both told be they think the statistic is higher than that, however. They have said there are days (and nights) where they don't see a single woman that has had a vaginal birth. When I asked them why they think the numbers are so high, one of them said it's because that particular hospital has such an influx of Mexican women. What?! She went on to explain that when they don't speak the language (English), things just happen to them, the labor "spirals out of control," ending in surgery.

Surely in the United States of America they are getting the best health care in the world, right? Frankly, I believe they are taken advantage of by a system -- doctors, nurses, hospitals -- that don't want to deal with them. They know that these women and families are often scared, and frankly, trust the doctors to take care of them to do what is best for them. I think they are being scammed.

It is not just Mexican women. I know people from several other countries that have had the same experience in the DFW area. I believe it is happening all over the United States. One of the women I know who had a cesarean at the mentioned hospital said that in her Discharge Class, only 2 of the 15 women had had a vaginal birth. She is Italian and will be VBACing this September at a different hospital with a VBAC-friendly doctor and she has hired a doula. She will not be a victim this time around.

Very few women -- American or otherwise -- are truly aware of their choices when it comes to childbirth. We place our faith and trust in the doctor's hands and become good little patients. Less than 1/3 of women take a childbirth class when they are pregnant. We make it unbelievably easy for the system to take advantage of us. Plenty of American-born women have been a victim of the system and don't even realize it. They just didn't take the time to educate themselves about labor and birth and were not active participants in their labors. Birth was something that happened to them.

Women from other countries and cultures bring their own ideas of birth to the table which may or may not mirror our own. The third step of the Mother-Friendly Childbirth Initiative is: "A mother-friendly hospital, birth center, or home birth service provides culturally competent care -- that is, care that is sensitive and responsive to the specific beliefs, values, and customs of the mother's ethnicity and religion." That is rarely happening in this country!

Thoughtfully consider your place of birth regardless of where you are from. Is your care provider respectful on all levels? If English is your second language and you are having a baby in America, I hope that you will follow your intuition. If you feel like your hospital or doctor is not respectful, don't ignore those red flags. There are people who want to help you have a wonderful birth. Seek out a midwife, a Bradley (TM) teacher, or a doula, for recommendations in your area. It's only too late after the baby is here.

The diversity of this country is one of the many things that make is so interesting. All women deserve to have a wonderful birth-day and not be a victim of a broken maternity system. If you know someone in this situation, don't be afraid to speak out. Help put her in touch with your midwife or doula. Language should never be a barrier to compassion or the beginning of motherhood.

Father's Day Gifts You'll BOTH Love!

2011-06-13T05:00:00.018-05:00

Have you ever known someone who is always pulling a prank? Always funny, hardly ever serious? When something serious actually comes out of their mouth, you laugh because you thought it was another joke? Joe Gumm is that guy. Let me back up...

Last spring, I met a woman who was becoming a doula. I liked her immediately, and I liked her reasons for wanting to be a doula. I send lots of clients her way, she sat through my class so she knows what I teach, helped make BOLD Fort Worth a huge success, became a Chapter Leader for the Tarrant County Birth Network, but most importantly, became my friend.

Repeatedly, she told me that I was the female version of her husband. I'm not quite the prankster Joe is, and I'm still trying to figure out exactly what she meant by that. She is madly in love with him, so it must be a compliment, right? Ha!

Joe is a sportscaster-media-guy. In fact, my husband knew Alexa for months before he found out who her husband was. Joe had called me -- in a pranking mood -- and was trying to convince me to go to JoeGumm.com to check out the book he wrote about birth. I thought this was another joke. I told David a couple hours later to remind me to check out JoeGumm.com and he said, "I know Joe Gumm. How do you know Joe Gumm?" I explained the conversation that had taken place and he freaked out! Talk about star-struck! Joe Gumm the sports guy? David was more nervous on our first "date" with them than he was on our first date! What is it with guys and sports?! And, yes, he really did write a book about birth written for the dad-to-be, titled From Humor to Hormones. As a teacher of Husband-Coached Childbirth (AKA The Bradley Method (TM)), I approve. It was great. They birthed all 4 babies at home so homebirth is represented nicely.

Where the heck am I going with this? What does this have to do with Father's Day? Joe just finished up another book called "150 Secrets to a Happy Wife." I'd like to tell you it's all funny, but some of it is quite serious. Joe has a soft side! It is a very entertaining read, and the man in your life will get a kick out of it. I was also thinking this is a great gift for a young man just getting married! Seriously. Grab your copy right now! I've linked to it for your shopping convenience. Maybe you can tell me, after you've read it, how the heck I am the female version of Joe Gumm!

My next little nugget of love for the man in your life, like the first gift, is really a gift for you, the one that loves him. My husband grew up in an itty-bitty town in New Mexico with some amazing people that have gone on to do some pretty great things. One of them is a woman now living in Virginia running a company by the name of The Bumble Bee Studio. David saw her company on Facebook and was intrigued. She has lots of really cool products, but the one he was interested in was the "Doggy Spray" to make Annie not smell so "doggy" and Julie threw in some samples for David to try out. I'm speechless! The two items we are both loving are the Bee a MAN - Men's Herbal Shave Soap and the The MAN Bar - Shampoo and Body Bar. Apparently, there is also a Bee a MAN - After-Shave Balm.

I have to say, years ago I found an aftershave called "Cowboy" that David and I both love, but it doesn't stay with him all day. The MAN Bar does and the scent is similar. It smells amazing! (Scentsy needs to copy this one for a man's car freshener!) It's pricey, but worth every penny if you care about how your man smells. David is so crazy about it, he ordered it for his dad and I insisted that he order it for my uncle too. The packaging is lovely, to boot.

Really, your man will love, love, love his Father's Day gifts this year. Even better, so will you.

Eviction Notice: Get Out!

2011-06-06T05:00:00.003-05:00

There are several topics I want to tackle in this post. As you know, I work with moms who are typically in their last trimester, which, for some, can be a very trying time. Personally, I always enjoyed being pregnant with my four babies. With the fourth baby, however, I did have a glimpse of understanding why women get induced. I was 34, which I must admit, was harder than the other pregnancies had been, and I suspect age had something to do with it, although having 3 other babies to look after was probably the majority of it!

I totally understand wanting to meet your new baby and getting your body back, or being able to breathe again and not having to switch sides all night long because your hips are killing you. Maybe you've had some ailment, like a foot in your ribs for the last 6 weeks, or constant heartburn, or maybe even the worst of all ailments, PUPPS. Lately, it seems that the "due date" has been referred to by some as the baby's "eviction notice." I honestly believe that most people use this term jokingly. Some, on the other hand, have seemed quite serious.

When someone gets an eviction notice, they are being kicked out of their home for doing something wrong -- most likely for not paying the money they owe for rent. They no longer have the right to live there. Your baby, on the other hand, has not done anything to warrant getting "kicked out" of his/her home. Maybe their "due date" has come and gone. You know it, but your baby does not. He doesn't have a little calendar in the womb with the date circled in red to tell him "today is the day to move out!" While 40 weeks is the average gestation, some babies need longer than that. Be kind to your little tenant. He is much easier to deal with in his current home than when he actually does "move out."

I've had many moms over the years who have sat on my couch in tears after their baby is here because they can't believe how hard this little one is to deal with. They always comment on how if they had really known, they wouldn't have been so anxious to get him out! Once that baby is here, he's here. Pregnancy is over. It can be an emotional thing with the attention shifting off of mom and onto the baby. Many women will experience a sense of loss once the pregnancy is over, which can surprise many women who were so anxious to get the baby here.

And who doesn't miss feeling the baby move? I can't even remember what that felt like now. I would give anything to feel that again, to remember. I always tell my moms, at 40 weeks, even if they go the full 2 weeks "over," they will be mamas in less than 14 days. Somehow that makes it more tangible. The pregnancy will end. You will hold your baby.

Treasure the end of pregnancy. Do something really fun and creative to pass the time. Feel free to add to this list in the comments. The possibilities are endless.

*Do a belly cast.

*Do pregnancy photos one more time.

*Rent some good sappy movies with your husband. (We saw "Little Women" and "Mr. Holland's Opus" when I was due with Daymon. David cried more than I did!)

*Or some really great comedies.

*Stay in a hotel and enjoy these last days together as a "single" couple.

Don't just sit around watching the clock or the calendar. Make the most of this time.

Once the baby is here, spend as much time holding your baby as humanly possible, despite your mother-in-law telling you that you shouldn't. Your baby will be easier to deal with and bond with if you can recreate the womb for him.

Recreating the womb involves making his new home as close to his last home as possible:

*He never experienced hunger before. This is a new sensation in his belly. He might want to nurse all the time to keep that funny feeling away. That is OK. Let him nurse.
*He never felt wide open space around him. He was curled up. Cozy. Warm. Put him in a sling and wear him. He'll think he's in the womb again. (Yes, I can sell you a sling, but that's not why I'm telling you this!)
*He listened to your heart beat all day long. He heard your voice, knows your walk, your laugh, even the noises of your stomach. Those sounds are comforting to him. Keep him nearby and he will be comforted.

I'm tempted to make co-sleeping it's own post. I've written about it on the blog quite a bit, but I just want to mention it here briefly. I'm not sure why Americans think their baby needs their own separate room and bed. To quote lactation consultant, Mellanie Sheppard, again, "You are your baby's environment." Seriously. You want to sleep? You want your baby to sleep? Then you need to be co-sleeping. It's not strange. Your baby will not be in your bed forever. You will still have sex with your husband, although maybe not in the bed! Again, this phase of your life will not last terribly long. Enjoy it! We miss that time of having a little baby sleeping between us.

It took David and I four kids to figure out the best way to parent a newborn. We didn't set up a crib. Our bed was her bed from day one, even for naps. She was continuously is the sling. She nursed around the clock. She hardly made a peep. I remember David even commented one time that she didn't seem to have much personality. You should see her now! Wow! My point is simply that when I see parents meeting their baby's needs before the baby even knows what they need, baby is totally content. And so is mom and dad!

One more bit of advice: Don't compare your baby to other babies. That will make you insane. Also, at some point, as much as I love for you to read my blog and my recommended reading list, you need to just put all of that aside and get to know your baby. Some things sound great in a book (or a blog!), but the reality is sometimes completely different.

Your baby is unique and you are the perfect parent for him or her. YOU are the one he wants. So just be there. If you are a good landlord, he'll likely be a great tenant.

Tough Love: Puppy vs Baby Advice

2011-05-30T05:00:00.001-05:00

Meet my new baby, Annie. She's a red-headed cockapoo. She's almost 5 months old. So far, she's been a fun addition to our family. I'm so happy to have a baby in the sling again! She loves it and will stay there for a long time. She likes to be held and has gotten so much attention in our family. She's been very social and content to let anyone pick her up and carry her around.

We had a couple of dogs growing up, but they were outdoor dogs and had rotten behavior. They weren't allowed to really be a part of the family. I have never considered myself an animal person -- still don't -- but I am rather enjoying this dog. I wanted an indoor dog because I think they are typically better behaved. Plus, we have a pool and not a great backyard for a dog. I am also grossed out by the fur of an animal that lives outside most of the time, tracking it in the house.

My sister doesn't have any children, and I remember when she held Darcy as a new baby, she was stiff as a board. She held her arms straight out, totally awkward. The baby didn't mold to her body. It was painful to watch! She had no idea what to do with a baby! That is how I feel with a puppy. I have no idea what to do or how to train it. We got the dog on "class night" and I was asking several couples about different things with the puppy. Over the course of the week, I have gotten more advice on how to train a puppy!

The conclusion I've come to is that people parent their babies like they do a puppy. Some of the advice I've gotten this week in regards to the puppy reminds me of things I've heard about parenting a baby.

*Don't let her sleep in your bed. It disrupts the pack order.

*Don't let her manipulate you.

*Don't get her out of her crate if she is crying or barking. She'll eventually like being there.

*She needs to know who is her master. If she misbehaves, put her on her back and hold her chest until she stops moving and fighting you. You want her to be submissive.

*If she pees in the house, put her nose in it and "spank" her, telling her "no!" Take her outside.

*If she doesn't pee when she is let out of her crate, put her back in and try again in a few minutes. Keep putting her in the crate until she pees.

*If she doesn't poop where you want her to, move the poop and keep showing her where to go.

As a non-dog owner up until now, I can safely say that I've seen people treat their animals like their babies or children. They talk about them like they are their children. When people are actually talking about their children, they will pipe in about their dog(s). I've even thought someone was talking about their child one time and was shocked to find that they were referring to their dog. I've always found this strange, and kind of annoying, to be perfectly honest.

To hear all this advice this week, it's made me think, it's no wonder people parent the way they do! They have dogs and then along comes a baby and they think it's the same thing! They don't want to disrupt pack order and won't let the baby sleep in their bed. They put the baby in their crib (ie. crate), not letting the baby manipulate them by crying and trying to get you to come get them. "Eventually they will like being there." I just couldn't stop thinking of all the cry-it-out methods of "sleep training."

I see people swat toddlers hands or bottoms telling them "no!" and then putting them in time out, just like a puppy that peed on the carpet. We want our children to be independent, but submissive, knowing who is their "master."

Babies are not like puppies. There may be similarities in behavior, but the way to deal with them is not the same! Human babies have the need to be with their mama continuously. You are your baby's environment (a quote from lactation consultant, Mellanie Sheppard) and they require that constant contact. A baby cannot manipulate you. Period. You will have more confident, independent children if their needs are met by a parent that they trust. If their needs (physical, mental, and especially emotional) are not met, you will have a misbehaved child. My 14-year-old is capable of manipulation now, but he was not as a baby, or even as a toddler!

I am not arguing with how to train a dog -- what do I know?! -- but so many things I've heard reminded me of things I've heard people say about parenting their babies.

*Don't let them sleep in your bed. They'll never leave.

*They have to learn to fall asleep on their own. It's OK to let them cry.

*Don't let them manipulate you by picking them up or holding them all the time.

*Teach them independence. They need to teach themselves how to fall asleep on their own.

*Swatting and spanking teach them to respect their elders and also right from wrong.

*If they don't behave, put them in time out until they learn.

Love on your baby. Carry her in a sling as often as possible. Breastfeed her continuously. Watch her grow and thrive. Allow her to sleep next to you and breastfeed throughout the night. You will have a well-behaved baby, toddler, child. Their needs are met, they feel loved, they trust you. They will know that you value them as a human being. You will have a mutual respect for one another, from one person to another.

I guess knowing what I know about about babies has made me wonder about all the advice I've gotten this week about the puppy. When new parents are given this advice about their baby, they believe it. They follow it, even if it doesn't feel right to them. My girls, and my husband for-that-matter, have not liked some of the advice we've gotten. They think it seems mean. Are they following their instincts? Should we listen to that, or will we have an ill-behaved dog as a result? We certainly don't want that! So, we follow the advice by people who have dogs already, just as new parents follow advice by people who already have children. That, as we know, is not always the best idea!

As we try to get to know Annie, we are finding that she has her own little personality. I guess we'll take bits and pieces of advice we've received, and throw the rest out that doesn't feel right. We may create our own little hellion in the process and we'll have no one to blame but ourselves. I can't help but think that love and tenderness cannot be a bad thing in raising a baby of any variety. I hope I'm right on this one!

A Penny A Load!

2011-05-23T05:00:00.019-05:00

I have a great post I'm working on, but the laundry soap got brought up this week - and since we are dogsitting this weekend, - I think I'm going to take the opportunity to make this be the weekly post! I feel like I'm cheating a bit, but I hope this will be useful for you, especially in these economic times.

I've been making my own detergent for about 2 or 3 years now. I can afford laundry detergent. I don't know why I keep doing this! I guess because I can. I also can my own beans, but I could buy them at the store too. I like being self-reliant. I can make yogurt, too, but I don't really think I save money on that one, so I don't do it. But I could if I had to! And I love that feeling, of knowing I am resourceful.

I posted on my Facebook page this week that I make my own detergent and promised I'd post my recipe here.

Ingredients:

3.1 oz bar Ivory soap

1 cup Borax

1/2 cup Arm & Hammer Super Washing Soda (found at Kroger)

Water

Tools:

5 gallon container

Cheese grater

small bowl

stove pot

long stirring spoon (I got mine at a restaurant supply store.)

Instructions:

Pour 5 cups of water in the stove pot and heat it just shy of boiling. You want the water hot enough to be able to melt the soap, but not hot enough to boil over. While the water is warming up, use the cheese grater to shred the bar of soap. Add the shredded soap to the pot of heater water and stir the mixture until the soap is completely melted.

Once the soap is melted, pour 3 gallons of hot water into in 5-gallon bucket. To the 3 gallons of hot water, stir in the melted soap mixture. Once it's mixed, add the 1/2 cup super washing soda and stir until it's dissolved. Pour in 1 cup borax and stir again until dissolved. Lots of stirring!

You can add essential oils to your laundry detergent to make it smell good, but I never have.

Cover the container and place it somewhere it won't be disturbed. Let it cool overnight. It will begin to gel as it cools. You'll want to put it in smaller containers. I stir mine once it is "set" though because it does better in my new washer. There will not be suds in your washer using homemade laundry detergent. This was hard for me to get used to. I don't like to pour it directly on my clothes either, as it has left white "residue." I put the soap in the washer and let it run for a bit and then add the clothes. Works great that way.

Use 4 oz, or 1/2 cup, per load. One recipe yields 442 oz which should get you through 110 loads of laundry! The breakdown, price-wise, is about a penny per load. Not bad.

The Birth Next Door and Upcoming TCBN Meeting this Week

2011-05-21T22:22:00.000-05:00

You can now buy your copy of The Birth Next Door from my blog! Just click on the button to the right. This book of birth stories is from Tarrant County, Fort Worth, Texas and it benefits the Tarrant County Birth Network, a non-profit 501(c)3. We have grown to be the largest chapter of BirthNetwork National in just over a year. Our primary focus is making Mother-Friendly maternity care a reality for all families of Tarrant County.

TCBN MEETING THIS WEEK

If you live in the Fort Worth area, we invite you to be a part of what we are doing. We meet the last Thursday of each month at Lou's Pavilion on the TWU campus from 7:00-9:00 p.m. This month, the topic is Nutrition for Pregnancy and Beyond. Our speakers include The Mommypotamus and Dr. Betsy Taylor, of Crossroads Natural Health.
Attendance is free and open to the public. Lap babies only please. Don't leave without introducing yourself to me. See you there.

My Christmas Letter -- In Blog Form

2011-05-16T05:00:00.002-05:00

I had a friend ask me a while back if I thought if a good birth - or "bad" - made you feel closer - or further - from that child. There was a time when I might have said yes, but I do have the perspective that time sometimes gives us, now that my children are older.

I don't need to rehash the births of my children, but my 2nd birth was my most emotional. I felt so excited that I had accomplished my goal of an unmedicated birth. I won't say it was my best, but I definitely experienced that "birth high" that we sometimes read about. She did not look like my baby though. She was dark skinned with pitch black curly hair. People always asked me if my husband was "ethnic." She is now 12 years old, and while our relationship is probably better now than it has ever been, she has always preferred her Daddy. We have had very little in common and our relationship has frequently been somewhat forced. She is very serious and has an intense moral compass. She loves to write and remembers everything I've ever said, which has often come back to haunt me!

My first baby (now 14), on the other hand, looked just like me and my side of the family when he was born. Still does. I was always close with him and thought that I could love no child as much as I loved him. I had an epidural for his birth. I do not feel that it had any bearing on how I felt about him. Of course, now finishing up his freshman year of high school, he thinks we are total idiots. His friends are more important than his family and music is the center of the universe both playing it and listening to it.

My 3rd pregnancy, labor, and birth were all the hardest. Abby constantly had her foot in my ribs. The harder I pushed at her foot, the harder she pushed back. It was the only pregnancy we did not plan. This child was determined to get here! Between you and me, I have the strongest connection with #3 (now 10 years old). She looks nothing like me (dark olive skin and dark hair), but I have the most in common with her. She has been, and continues to be, the best conversationalist. In fact, she's the most mature of the entire family! She's organized, self-motivated, has great "style" (which makes her fashion-conscious Daddy proud), is confident, and has a great sense of humor. She should have been born the oldest because she would have been a great babysitter. Currently, and formerly, she is very un-babysittable, taking direction and instruction from no one, mainly her big brother and sister.

Darcy (6) was probably my "easiest" birth and we've always been good. No complaints. She is my mini-me. She's a firecracker and just lights our home with non-stop excitement! We've had a good, solid connection since she was born.

So, the answer to the question? No, I think our children's births are often more about us than it is about them. I will say that how their personalities were in the womb is very much how they have been out of the womb. Daymon was constantly in motion, I hardly ever felt Vena move, Abby constantly made her presence known, and Darcy just always went with the flow.

As I re-read over this post, I realized that a lot of what I wrote was similar to my Christmas letter, which I've been told over the years, is so brutally honest, it's everyone's favorite! I hope you enjoyed a little slice of my crazy children's personalities and what I endure day in and day out!

Facebook - Why I'm Glad it Wasn't Around When My Kids Were Little

2011-05-09T05:00:00.017-05:00

What an exciting week it's been in the land of Facebook! The natural birth community has been under attack by some very bored women as of late. I've been thinking about this topic and post for a couple of weeks now, and then with all the drama this week, I decided it was time.

If you read my blog regularly, you know that there is often a bit of controversy surrounding some of my posts. Some, I understand why, and others, frankly, I've been baffled at the hype. (Like the "My Epidural" Post. It was shared nearly 500 times! Seriously?) A couple of weeks ago I was worked up over something on Facebook -- I don't even remember what now -- and things that snowballed afterwards. It's all I talked about all week long. My house fell apart, as I spent literally hours in front of my computer screen or constantly checking my itouch for new "developments." My husband was ready to freak out, and he's not a freak-out kind of guy! I just felt consumed with... with... with the topic, with Facebook, my blog.

It's hard to remember life before Facebook. In case you haven't realized, I have a highly addictive personality. I typically don't do things in moderation. Take my love of Tim McGraw. This summer I'll be seeing him for the 13th and 14th times. I won't tell you how much money has been spent on concert tickets and airline tickets traveling to see Tim over the years! (This year I'm traveling to OK and Indianapolis to see him!) I can't seem to drink just one can of Diet Dr. Pepper or Mountain Dew. Again, I'll spare you the details.

There have been periods where I have found my life consumed with what my next Facebook status will read. Do you do that, too?! Please say yes. Something funny will happen and I'll think, "I've gotta put this on Facebook." Or a picture taken. It really is the weirdest thing.

David took me to Cancun for my 40th birthday in January, and while there, I didn't touch my cell phone and had no internet. It was bliss! I read a book -- which I never do unless it's related to childbirth -- and if it weren't for the ending, would have really enjoyed it! David and I talked about things unrelated to what was happening on the internet and were in the here-and-how. What a concept.

I guess I've just been thinking lately about how grateful I am that Facebook and blogging were not around when my kids were little. All my kids are in school now, so Facebook is mostly a time-suck for me. My kids aren't terribly effected by my time on Facebook. I constantly wonder how these moms do it that have little kids at home. Many of them are commenting everywhere all the time. When I spend a lot of time Facebooking or blogging, my house really does fall apart. The dishes pile up, dinner doesn't get made, and the laundry doesn't get hung. I just can't live like that and a mess makes me crazy.

And yet, it's totally addictive. It's hard to walk away. I have a couple of friends that took themselves off Facebook for lengthy periods of time, and I must say, I admire their commitment to their families, and their sanity! Frankly, I don't want to turn off Facebook and blogging. I enjoy it. I finally had to limit the blog posts to just one a week, and that has been helpful. (I usually write it on Saturday or Sunday night after the kids have gone to bed.) I hope this doesn't sound like a guilt post. But it has been on my mind lately. I think it should be addressed and talked about. Are we addicted to Facebook, email, blogs, and texting? Does it cause us to miss out on the here-and-now?

I am never ever going to win a mom-of-the-year award -- ever -- but we did have fun when the kids were little. I didn't have a cell phone until the older 3 were all in school. I wasn't texting or talking to anyone other than them when we left the house. We didn't have a DVD player in the car - still don't - so the car tends to be where we have always done the most talking. Our best conversations, and often the most important ones, have taken place while we are driving.

We did lots of "field trips" and play dates and play groups. When we were there, we were really there, in the moment. No one was texting back then and Facebook certainly wasn't around. In fact, no one had internet on their phone back then. I was always scared to get a cell phone - I was 34 before I finally got one - because I am fully aware of my addictive personality. I knew I would like to have one. In fact, I've made plans to get an iphone next month, and I am scared to death.

I learned to can, or bottle, all sorts of foods when my kids were little. Salsa, chicken, beans, beef. That has been an invaluable skill for me and saved my family a lot of money over the years. (I just canned 75 pounds of chicken during all the snow and ice we had in February. Again with the moderation!) I learned to garden (That was in NM "soil," not TX clay!) and the kids helped.

I remember our bedtime routines were lengthy back then. Maybe it's because there were so many I had to help, but it seems that it went on for about two hours. Bath, dinner, and LOTS of books. Again, I probably have that memory because none of the kids were reading yet. Once the bigger ones could read to the younger ones, I think I enlisted their help! I regret that now. I just wonder how many of these memories would have been created if I had so many distractions in my life, pulling me away from my kids.

Recently, we tried enforcing a no-media rule at our house after 7:00 p.m., but it's nearly impossible, unless we actually turn the phones off! People are constantly texting or calling and it's irresistible to check them. My husband's phone lets him know every time he gets an email or someone posts to his Wall. It is constantly buzzing.

A while back, I mentioned on my Facebook page, my concern over being the first generation of parents having to deal with Facebook. (Do you appreciate the irony of me linking you to my Banned From Baby Showers Facebook page?) If we have such a hard time putting it down, it's worse for a teenager! I do not think it's been a good thing in our children's lives.

As for the cell phones, I'm not sure why everyone thinks their kid needs one. We did get our son a cell phone when he started high school, but in a 3-month period he went from 5,000 texts to 10,000 texts to 15,000 texts. Talk about addicted! I took the phone away, paid $145 to stop his service, and he will never have a phone on my watch again. I have no regrets whatsoever.

Back to some of the Facebook happenings this week, I truly am baffled by the amount of time people spend to stalk other Facebook pages. If you don't like a page, or disagree with someone, don't read it! I know from experience that when I get worked up over something I don't agree with, it spills over into every aspect of my life. It is not healthy. I feel the same way about my stuff. If I offend you, don't read it! Or is it like a train wreck and you just can't look away? While I enjoy your comments and questions, I just can't spend that much time there. My BFBS Facebook page is a place where current, former, and future students can get information. I'd like to spend more time there, but I have to limit myself because my regular life demands it.

This became a lengthy post. Think of all the things you could have gotten done instead of reading this! I am sincerely glad for all the time you spend reading my weekly posts. I believe we've done some good things here and made a difference.

Facebook, blogging, and texting are not going to go away. We are always connected -- to everyone, all the time. I believe it has caused us to be less connected to the people who really matter - our families, our children. Turn off the computer and go spend some time with your kiddos! I'm going to go can 2 dozens pints of pinto beans before my kids come home from school.

Products and Services I Would Want to Buy or Use if I Was Having Another Baby -- But I'm Not, So I Think YOU Should Use Them!

2011-05-02T05:00:00.009-05:00

Banned From Baby Showers needs a nice generic post for a change! Seriously, there are several products and services that I've wanted to mention here, so now seems like a great time to do so.

First, let me say that it's been 6 years since I had a baby in the house. There are many things that are different now, one being cloth diapers. I'd like to say that I am certain that I'd jump on that bandwagon, but in all reality, it scares me. I don't know what I would choose. I'd like to think I would cloth diaper... Good thing at 40 I'm not making this decision!

TCBN PRESENTS A BOOK OF BIRTH STORIES

The first thing I must mention is the book that was just released this week by the Tarrant County Birth Network -- The Birth Next Door: Stories and Lessons of Birth In and Around Tarrant County, Texas. Obviously, you do not need to be from Fort Worth to enjoy this book! There really is not another book available quite like it. Proceeds will benefit TCBN and improving maternity care in and around Tarrant County. I wish I could take credit for putting this together, but alas, I had close-to-nothing to do with it. Shannon Blackwell, owner of Simple Baby - and cloth diaper guru! - as well as fellow Chapter Leader for TCBN, single-handedly put this together. I did, however, write the Foreword. Get your copy today.

PORTRAIT PAINTING BY HAYLEE RYAN

The Art of Birth took place Saturday, April 30 in Fort Worth, and it was amazing. One of the features was a Haylee Ryan, 24, finger painting a portrait of a live model. In less than 5 hours she created a masterpiece. It was so lovely, I desperately wish I had done something like that when I was pregnant. If you give her a photo, she will paint a portrait out of it. (This may be my best bet at this point.) The cool thing is, you wouldn't have to sit for the painting and you could live anywhere, not just in the Dallas-Ft. Worth area. Visit her website or Facebook page to see all the cool things she can do.

CECI-JANE BIRTH VIDEOGRAPHY

If you have read my birth stories, you know how important videotaping my births were to me. So important, in fact, I changed from a hospital birth to a homebirth at 33 weeks so that I could videotape my third birth. Ceci is a professional photographer who recently started birth videography, set to music, catching the highlights of your labor and birth in about a 6 or 7 minute video. One word -- amazing. I desperately wish I had known her when I was having my babies. It is such a treasure. People spend twice as much money on a wedding video, but do you remember when that woman in The Business of Being Born talked about the day she gave birth, she admitted that it "trumped the wedding day." A lot of us feel that way. Spend the money. You'll be glad you did.

Bonus: She's doing a FREE giveaway for a Birth Story Movie, worth $800. Click here for details if you are in the DFW area and are due this summer.

BABY BOND NURSING "COVER"

If you are a regular Banned From Baby Showers reader, you know how I feel about the (stupid) Hooter Hiders and Udder Covers. Without jumping on that soapbox (for now anyway!), I would like to take this opportunity to plug for Baby Bond. I love the fact that mom is covered and baby is not! People still "see" baby breastfeeding, but mom is able to remain covered. There are 3 different styles, but if I were to buy one, this is the one I would want, shown above. I never once used a cover in over 7 years of breastfeeding, but there are times when this one would have been handy. One of my former students ordered this and loves it! TCBN has been giving Baby Bonds as door prizes and the mamas are loving it!

BOOBIE BEANIES

From "covers" to Boobie Beanies. Many of you have probably seen the Boobie Beanies on Facebook. I recently ordered several to use as prizes in class. I love, love, love this! It's the "made ya look!" thing that is just so darn fun. This cracks me up to no end. The best part? They come in a variety of "flesh" colors to match mom's skin tone. Now who would ever want to use a silly nursing cover when you've got a Boobie Beanie?!

MOON OVER MAIZE PREGNANCY JEWELRY

I've mentioned Moon Over Maize here in the past, but it's been a long time. I've ordered more things and seen more of her work since then, and it's just improved with time. In the Fort Worth area, she's created quite a name for herself. No, she doesn't live here, but enough people have her jewelry, people recognize the name. She has many beautiful pieces of jewelry, not just celebrating pregnancy and homebirth. My favorite piece is still the pregnancy silloutte, stamped with a word of your choice -- homebirth, doula, midwife -- and the birth stones of your babies dangling from the middle. Order one for yourself or as a gift for your doula or midwife.

I'll be adding to this list, I'm sure. Hopefully it won't take me as long next time. I'll live vicariously through y'all, using the products and services I wish I could use -- just not bad enough to actually have another baby! Be sure to tell them that Donna over at Banned From Baby Showers sent you.

The Birth Nazi

2011-04-25T05:00:00.003-05:00

I am continuously amazed at the way people twist my words all around. I have a friend that said that to me the other day. She said the comments I get on my blog are consistently 50/50 -- some supportive, some thinking I'm void of any compassion whatsoever and have totally lost my marbles.

Most of you don't know me in real life, but suffice it to say, I am very much the same sitting here at the computer as I am in person. I will tell you what I think, and I'm OK with you telling me what you think, as long as it is kept respectful. That's why I do not delete comments from my blog, even the ones that more or less call me a Birth Nazi. You have the right to your opinion, just as I have the right to mine.

Before I go any further, I want to address my use of the word "Nazi" in this post. I am using this word because I have heard myself referred to in this manner. The "Soup Nazi" episode of Seinfeld has been laughed about for years, but when used in this manner, it's not funny. At least I don't think it's funny. I, personally, am quite offended by the use of the word, especially in reference to myself.

Let's address a very interesting topic that I read several blog posts and Facebook statuses about this week: Is it OK, even good, to expect a good birth experience? According to most of them, no! At least this is my interpretation: You shouldn't get your hopes up because you might be let down.

A very fast recap of my birth experiences: I have had 4 different births. My first was an epidural birth where I narrowly escaped a c-section. My second was my most emotional where I definitely experienced that "birth high." My third sucked and was my hardest (no one's fault but my own), and my fourth was the "easiest" but emotionally hard knowing it was my last and my son would never have a brother. The only birth I cried tears of joy was my second. The others, I was just mostly glad they were over. Does that mean they were bad births because I didn't weep with joy? Of course not. They were all just different. I learned very different things from each experience. I hope those things I learned, I am able to pass on to my students. Sometimes it's a case of "Do as I say, not as I did!"

There is this idea that Donna Ryan is an unforgiving natural childbirth educator. If you have an epidural, I will make you feel awful about it. And a c-section, forget it! You might-as-well crawl into a hole!

OK, this is what Donna Ryan teaches. Pay attention, Donna-haters! I believe that there are some really awful OBs out there that are happiest when they are performing surgery. They know nothing about natural childbirth and frankly, don't want to know. They will scare you into an induction or make you beg for an epidural ("haha, let's keep her pit turned high and strap her to a monitor!"), or they will give you an episiotomy so long you will wish you had a c-section. (Yes, I've heard a nurse say she heard an OB say this.) Are all OBs like this? Of course not. They do exist. I think that the majority of them have not attended natural, intervention-free births enough to know what that looks like, sounds like, or how to help and encourage a couple on this journey. Most of them will find a way to put you on their turf, where they are comfortable -- in a bed, strapped to a monitor, legs in stirrups, epidural, pitocin, etc. See past blog post.

There are other resources in your community. You may have to dig around to find them, but they likely exist. Resources that support and encourage natural normal birth. In Fort Worth, Texas there are so many resources available to families -- amazing midwives, in and out of the hospital. With choices available, you need to use them. These are the people who will help you have the birth you want -- or in some cases avoid the birth you don't want! They encourage you to do the opposite of the (bad) OBs; things like walking, intermittent monitoring, light food and drink throughout labor, choice of pushing positions, and just plain ole encouragement! What a difference between a nurse (or midwife) saying, "You got this! You sound wonderful. Keep making those low, slow sounds," and "Oh, honey, if you think this is hard now, just wait till you're an 8! Are you sure you don't want an epidural?" Well, when you put it that way, of course I want an epidural!

I expect my couples to make the appropriate changes if necessary. Don't ignore the red flags! Nearly everyone that sits through my class does change their care provider and/or hospital if they see those red flags. If you ignore them -- now, this does sound harsh, but it's true -- you have no one to blame but yourself for a "bad" birth if you do not make the necessary changes during the pregnancy. It's not much fun to be left wondering if that c-section really was necessary.

Your labor should be a wonderful, yet challenging, time in your life. Your birth team is critical. I've said that a million times here over the last three years. Birth is probably the hardest thing you will ever do. I never paint a rosy picture. We don't get to pick the way your birth is going to play out, but you will have a very good idea of what normal birth looks like. We go through lots of variations of normal too.

This is what I teach about an epidural: You know what normal birth looks like. You know what to do, what not to do, you have prepared in every way possible (birth team, relaxation, exercise, nutrition, hired a doula), and you know when you are out of the "normal" range, which can mean a lot of different things. You have the education to know when you are on the path to a c-section. Many an epidural has saved a mom from a c-section. We all hope that an epidural is not a part of the birth equation, but sometimes it is, and sometimes it's even a good thing, a necessary intervention that saves a mom from a c-section.

I have never -- not even once -- told a mom that she failed when she had that epidural. Or a c-section. I would never do that. In many instances, I've put myself in their shoes, and have no doubt that I would have made the exact same decision. Now, I can't say that a mom won't beat herself up over it, but it's not because I made her feel bad.

Here's the reality: When people sit through my class and do all the "right" things and their birth does not go as they had hoped (epidural, transfer, c-section), rarely do I have someone seem to dwell on it and have a hard time getting over it. Most people know that there are things in birth that are not within our control, but you do your part, roll with the punches, understand why those things became necessary in your birth, and move on! Learn from them. Don't become a victim of your birth! I am seeing this all the time. It's exhausting. Your birth does not define who you are as a person. How you deal with things that happen in your life is more important than the actual things that happen.

There are some midwives that have told me that the reason they refer to my classes is not necessarily because they love The Bradley Method®, but because my couples seem to bounce back easier when things go differently from their original plans. My couples also know that they can trust them to help them on this road and if they say they need intervention or medication, it's OK to trust them. Attitude is everything.

I simply want to see women believe in themselves enough to give birth their all. Sometimes, that may not mean an unmedicated birth. It might even mean a c-section in the end. But if you do your part -- not just become a victim of a very broken maternity system -- you will have a good birth! Does that make me a Birth Nazi? Then so be it.

When We Want our Friends and Family to Birth Like We Do

2011-04-18T05:00:00.007-05:00

Natural birth advocates get a bad name sometimes because people perceive us as cramming our opinions down their throat. The same could be said about all the folks who tell you to "just get the drugs!" They often encourage a pregnant mom to be induced, find out the sex of their baby, and of course, get the epidural. Rarely do I have people sitting in class who say that everyone in their life is supportive of their natural birth choice. Often, class is the only "safe" place where they can talk about their desires for a natural birth and prepare accordingly.

I used to encourage friends to have a natural birth and talk to them about my class. Some cases have worked out great, but more often than not, it backfires. I have learned over the years that the desire to have a natural birth must come from within. I have a friend from church who says of "the other side" that they just aren't ready to hear "the gospel of natural childbirth!"

I heard of a couple recently that took a Bradley® class, hired a doula, and birthed with a group of CNMs in a hospital. She has family members that are natural birth advocates and encouraged her to do all the "right" things as listed above. Now, I don't know this woman, so I am speculating. She ended up with a c-section, one that was very likely not necessary based on what I heard of the story, but I don't think her heart was in it at all. In hearing the story, I've heard the midwives blamed and also the Bradley® teacher. I don't think either is at fault. The mom just wasn't committed to having a natural birth and was subconsciously looking for a reason to abandon the natural process.

I believe that when people want you to get the drugs, it's because it makes them feel better about their own birth. I did this with my friend, Alisa. I had given birth to one baby with an epidural. I didn't feel a thing and narrowly escaped a c-section. Alisa was planning an unmedicated birth. I wanted her to fail. Somehow, that would justify my birth choices. A bit twisted, I know. I think that a lot of women that have c-sections want others to have them as well. They would never come out and say it, but I think it's there.

I love it when women have a natural birth and everyone says to her how lucky she is that her labor was only 3 hours (the hardest 3 hours of her life!) -- "If my labor had only been 3 hours, I could have done it too!" I had someone in my class a few years ago who said to me after her labor, "I just think my labor was harder than everyone elses, so I had an epidural." Women who have natural births are working hard and are committed to the process! They aren't lucky, have high pain tolerances, or have easy labors! It comes from within.

It is interesting to ask people on the first night of class why they have chosen to have a natural birth. Rarely is the answer, "My friend had one and so now I want one." I will admit, however, that was a factor in my decision to birth naturally with the second baby. I knew that if Alisa did it, I could do it too. I don't remember her telling me that I should do it though. Reading the birth stories of Martha Sears in The Birth Book played a big role in my decision, and also the history of childbirth in America.

Ultimately, I believe the reason we want our friends and family to birth naturally is because we have seen how powerful it has been in our own lives. In most cases, it was probably the hardest thing you have ever done, but the joy and empowerment that followed was unbelievable! We also know that they can do it but are choosing not to. That's the most frustrating part of it all. If they would just give in to the process and let go of the fear, they too could have this amazing experience.

Our reasons for wanting our friends and family to have natural births is anything but selfish. We want this experience for them, to feel that they accomplished this amazing goal -- one that most of us will only experience a few times in our lifetime. If they didn't grow into teenagers, I'd have a dozen babies!

So, my natural birth "junkies," lead by example, like Alisa did. Give your friend or sister a book to read full of good birth stories. Be available for questions. Let her borrow your copy of "The Business of Being Born" or "Orgasmic Birth." Everyone is coming from a different place. Sometimes we have to have our own (bad) experience to start listening to other options.

Is Preeclampsia Preventable? YES!

2011-04-11T05:00:00.014-05:00

This is the kind of post I don't get overly excited about writing, and yet, I've had many requests on writing about preeclampsia. Part of my hesitation with posts like this is that I don't want people to read what I write and think "Is she talking about me?!" I know people do that and frankly, it makes me uncomfortable. So don't do it! It's easier to believe that we have no control over developing preeclampsia than believing there might have been something you could have done to prevent it.

I'm just going to say it: Yes, I believe that preeclampsia is largely preventable. Unfortunately, in our culture, we treat it like it's just something that might happen to you and you have no control over it. It just sucks to be you if you get it. It does appear that people who start pregnancy with high blood pressure are possibly predisposed to be diagnosed with preeclampsia, especially if they are on medication before the pregnancy.

With that being said, what about everyone else? If you have sat through a Bradley® class, you know that we teach The Brewer Diet, emphasizing 80-100 grams of protein a day. I've been teaching for almost 8 years now, and in that time, I have never seen someone achieving the appropriate levels of protein develop preeclampsia. I should also mention that my moms who bring me a pink sheet (a documentation of everything they eat) are more aware of the food she is eating. She knows I'm going to look at it and she is not eating fried chicken and fast food hamburgers in order to get her protein!

The food you eat is crucial in staying low-risk. Simply put, you cannot eat junk. The moms who develop high blood pressure combined with protein in the urine, excessive swelling, and headaches, typically did not bring me a pink sheet every week and often averaged between 30-50 grams of protein a day. There, I said it. Often, these moms eat a lot of what I call "white food" -- pasta, french fries, white rice, bread, fried food made with white flour and oil -- things that are filling but not nutritionally substantial in providing the required protein.

There have been various studies done where moms and babies have been separated and evaluated after birth, not knowing which babies belonged to which mothers. NONE of the babies that were rated poorly belonged to the mothers that ate at least 75 grams of protein a day, while 44% of the mothers who ate poorly and did not get enough protein did develop preeclampsia.

And since we're on the topic, how many of you have ever been given this information by your OBGYN? I wasn't told a darn thing about eating 80 grams of protein a day. All I was told in the way of nutrition was not to gain more than 35 pounds. I was taken off of salt after a 10-pound weight gain one month. Pregnant women need salt to help maintain the 40-50% increase in blood volume. When a mom is taken off salt, her blood volume shrinks and ultimately it is the placenta and baby that suffer. My baby weighed 6 pounds born on his due date.

Another gripe, since I'm on a roll: It's very normal to have a month (usually around the beginning of the 3rd trimester) where mom gains more weight that usual -- maybe 8-10 pounds. I've heard many practitioners remind moms of their weight gain limitations when this happens. So let's say mom is 28 weeks and she is only "allowed" to gain another 7 pounds during the pregnancy. Her baby at this point probably weighs roughly 3 pounds. It took her 28 weeks to grow a 3-pound baby. Let's say the baby is going to be just "average" and weigh 7 1/2 pounds at birth. So the baby is going to gain another 4 1/2 pounds, which leaves mom with only gaining 2 1/2 more pounds. Really? The 3rd trimester is not the time to be dieting, and yet, we see it all the time.

Don't worry so much about the scale! DO worry about the quality of food you are putting in your body! Watch your protein and eat a well-balanced diet. Don't just eat chicken, milk, and beans all day. Watch your fruits and vegetables. Eggs are an integral part of the Brewer Diet. Good food, ladies! Not crap!

I could probably keep going now that I'm fired up. There are a lot of things to talk about in reference to nutrition. As far as preeclampsia goes, however, this about sums it up. Dr. Brewer wrote a book that I have found helpful: "The Truth About Diet and Drugs in Pregnancy: What Every Pregnant Woman Should Know." The book is full of recipes that are helpful, especially if you are struggling with eating well or getting enough protein.

I know this post will enrage people who truly believe that they were a victim of preeclampsia. Before lashing out, I invite you to really ponder your diet during your pregnancy. I also find that most people are very surprised when they actually write down the food they eat. A lot of people think they get plenty of protein until they write it down! It is a huge commitment to track everything you eat for 12 weeks (the length of a Bradley class), but I can honestly say that I've never had a person develop preeclampsia who brought me a pink sheet consistently.

If you clicked on the Brewer Diet link, you saw that his site is called Blue Ribbon Babies -- cute, huh? As if your Blue Ribbon Baby wasn't enough, I give prizes to those that bring pink sheets back every week in my live class. Wait till you see my new prize!

A Letter to My Dad

2011-04-04T05:00:00.001-05:00

Even typing the title of this post bring tears to my eyes. I am not sure how I'm going to get through this, but I have felt for weeks that I need to write this post. I'm not sure how to start this post. I guess the beginning is as good a place as any.

My parents got married very young. My dad was 21 and my mom was 18. They had been together for 3 years, but my dad was in the Army in Germany for almost 2 1/2 years of that time. They wrote each other every day and got married 10 days after he returned home. They got pregnant almost immediately with my brother. It was a hard time for them, and for my brother. Both my parents completed their education while my brother was a little boy. No small feat - they were the first to leave Southern Illinois and to get a college education on either side of their families.

According to my brother, my dad was never a real compassionate, loving father. I was born about 8 1/2 years after my brother. I was named Donna because it was the name that my father would have had if he had been a girl. My grandma named him Donald (called Donnie growing up) because it was the closest thing to Donna. So my name was very special. I have a tender picture of my dad holding me as a brand new baby. I love this picture. I think about how he must have felt, holding his new daughter. Full of hope for me and the person I would become. Not knowing anything about what the future would hold.

My sister was born 22 months after me, probably only because my mother wanted more children. My dad, on the other hand, was done.

And so the years passed. My dad was a CPA and owned his own business for as long as I remember. He didn't really talk to us much when he came home. Music was turned down when he came home from work, the evening news played while we ate dinner, and mostly, he sat in his chair and read who-knows-what most evenings. I don't remember being tucked in at night - not to say this didn't happen - I just don't remember it. I don't remember him reading to me or really even talking to me. Raising the children was my mom's responsibility.

My favorite childhood memories are family vacations and skiing. I grew up in Santa Fe, NM, and we skied several times a month all winter. My dad was a different person at these times. He loved to play games and loved nature. We rode motorcycles through the spring and fall. But the day to day life was not much fun with him.

I started smoking when I was 12. As a former smoker, this made my dad insane. When I got caught smoking, he would make me sit and eat cigarettes or chewing tobacco (I was allowed one glass of water) until I threw up. Ironically, we usually had a pretty good conversation during these times. I assume that's because I had his undivided attention. I continued smoking, just tried to be more careful in not getting caught.

We had a lot of run-ins when I was a teenager. Sneaking out, bad grades, lots of parties and drinking, bad 80s makeup, boyfriends who were always bad news, and lots of lying.

I caused endless problems between my parents. My mom always believed my lies and my dad saw right through them. Eventually, it got to the point that my dad went through the application process to have me admitted to military school. (I was accepted.) I told my mom that if they made me go, I'd run away. I had a boyfriend that was 5 years older than me and I think they knew I was serious. She asked me where I wanted to go because I couldn't live at home anymore. I said to live with my Aunt Judy and Uncle Gary in Indianapolis. I was on a plane two weeks later. It was the only time I ever saw my dad cry.

It was a long journey to get to the point that my dad and I could have a decent conversation. Years. As I got older I could recognize what a complete brat I was as a teenager. Over the last few months I have started to really grasp the extent of rage he must have felt towards me.

I remember sitting in an LDS Stake Conference several years ago with President Jim Kearns conducting. He was sitting on the stand and surveying the people as they walked through the door. He would jot notes on index cards and hand them to his "helpers" to deliver to certain people in the congregation to speak on a particular topic. I remember being so touched by the Spirit throughout this meeting as I listened to these inspired speakers. I felt so honored to be surrounded by these compassionate, loving men and wishing that my father had been more like them. I've had feelings like these over the years, and even today, as I watched a BYU program between General Conference sessions called "Turning Point," I couldn't help feeling this way again. I listened to 21 adopted children describe their feelings about their father and mother - and yes, all 21 belonged to the same parents. I couldn't subdue those feelings again of wishing my father had enjoyed being a father.

Dear Dad-

This June, it'll be 5 years since your death. Not a day goes by that I don't think of you -- sometimes good and sometimes bad. I look at my kids and feel sad that their memory of you is fading. Except for playing games with you. When I play a game, I act just like you -- a worse winner than loser, that is -- and they tell me so. I tell them I'm just trying to keep your memory alive!

You'd get a kick out of Darcy. She is such a firecracker, and yet very sensitive. And Abby too. You'd just love to spend time with her. Such a quick sense of humor. Independent, organized, and motivated. Vena is very much the same as she was when she was little -- a very deep thinker and remembers every mean word ever said to her. She doesn't like sarcasm and for this reason, you would have a hard time with her and vice versa. Her memories of you are not entirely good and this makes me sad. A few harsh moments with her went a long way. Further than the good ones, I'm afraid.

It is my experiences with Daymon, however, that have caused me to reflect on you and our relationship lately. I see a lot of the same characteristics in him that I possess or did possess as a teenager. His number one love is music, both playing it and listening to it. I know you would not have this in common with him! He is quiet at home. When you died, none of us were on Facebook. You would hate it, trust me! Daymon seems to have a highly addictive personality, just like his mother. He really enjoyed Facebook, but more than that, he really loved to text. I use the past tense because he lost all those privileges in January, after having 15,000 texts in one month.

We've had a hard time with him lately and it makes me realize that so many of the things he does -- or sometimes doesn't do -- remind me of me at that age. I can't begin to tell you how frustrating it is. I really do know what is best for him and what would be good for him. I've been around the block a time or two and if he would just listen to me, I could save him so much pain!

I remember very well how I felt at his age and so I feel like I have a good understanding of how he'll handle different situations. You tried to control my every move when I was a teenager and it had the opposite effect. I ran the other direction and lied to cover my tracks. You really never knew me, but you didn't take the time to get to know me either. Had you talked to me when I was younger, maybe I would have talked to you when I was older.

Something I have learned, we can't make people do what we want them to do. Daymon has horrible acne. I tried washing his face for him, but at 14 years old, it's ridiculous! I can't brush his teeth for him or make him wear his retainer. Does it make me completely insane that he chooses to not do these things sometimes? Of course. But he has his free agency to make his own choices. I try to teach him the right things to do and talk with him, but at the end of the day, it's up to him. No matter how much I'd like to, I cannot make his decisions for him.

I can say all these things right now at this very moment because I'm not mad at him! Several weeks ago, he got caught lying to us. It was a pretty big lie, too. David and I were in a heated debate with Daymon and I finally had to walk out of the room. I spent the rest of the evening crying -- not because of our fight with Daymon, but because I think I had an glimpse into how you must have felt towards me because I was feeling the same way towards Daymon.

I have determined that you must have hated me. I'm not saying this looking for sympathy, just stating the facts. I know you loved me because I am your daughter, but I think you really, really disliked me as a person. I can't blame you. You always hear parents say things like, "I hope you have a child just like you when you grow up." I don't know that you ever said that to me, but now that I have a child that is similar, I understand. I was much worse than Daymon, however.

Dad, more than anything I wish you were alive so I could look in your eyes and tell you how sorry I am for putting you through all those years of hell. I talked with Judy this week about those years and she agreed that you didn't like me until many years later. The damage had been done. It's such a tragedy that many parents and teenagers don't realize exist. It may last for many years. Even when I was 25, 30, 35, I knew I had been a difficult teenager. But it is 25 years after the fact that I finally get it!   I feel fortunate that you and I did get to a point where we got along pretty well.

I have no bad feelings -- never did -- over being sent to live with Judy and Gary. So much good came out of it in so many ways. Thank you for loving me enough to let me go. I know it had to have been so hard to give me away to someone else. I never saw you cry before that day.

I hope that one day, you and I will get to sit down and have a good heart to heart and get to know each other better. I can't blame you for who you are any more than you can blame me for who I am. I am sorry for dishonoring you and for all the heartache I caused you. This has been a difficult few months for me as I have had these realizations.

I love you Dad. Despite wishing you were different in many ways, I wouldn't change a thing -- except that you would still be alive so I could say these things face to face.

Love,
Donna

Thanks for your patience on this post. I had a lot to say. I do feel that all things parenting related are relevant to Banned From Baby Showers. Parenting teenagers is not fun so far! It is challenging in totaling different ways that parenting small babies or children. It's even causing me to enjoy the "tween" years more. Abby (10) keeps watching Daymon, saying, "I will not act like this when I am 14!" Should we believe her? Of course not!

Look What TCBN is Doing NOW!

2011-03-28T05:00:00.007-05:00

NEXT TCBN MEETING:

VACCINATIONS

Fear not! You did not miss the vaccination meeting for the Tarrant County Birth Network! It is this Thursday, March 31. We moved our meeting place and day so there has been some confusion. Please check the TCBN website for details. Just a reminder though: Meetings will be held on the last Thursday of the month, not the fourth Thursday. There are a few more of those this year, too.

We are expecting a large turnout for this next meeting. Drs. Jim Bob and Cindy Haggerton will be addressing us on vaccinations. There is so much conflicting information out there and I think a lot of us are quite confused. Our pediatricians, and family doctors, are telling us one thing, but we've all read enough resources to know that there are potential risks associated with vaccinations. This is a great meeting to bring your husband, but again, as always, lap babies only. Thanks so much for your cooperation. No one has put up a fuss over this "rule" and we know it is an inconvenience for many of you. We appreciate so many of our TCBN dads that stay home and put kids to bed so moms can attend our monthly meetings.

THE ART OF BIRTH:

A BOLD FORT WORTH RED TENT EVENT

I put this up here on my blog a few weeks ago but didn't say much about it. Have you studied our logo? Have you figured out what it is? Yes! It's a placenta! Our producer of BOLD Fort Worth and TCBN Chapter Leader, Shannon Blackwell, has a bit-of-an-odd obsession with placentas and she came up with this logo. We all love it so much, we are printing the cutest black fitted tees! Visit our website to buy one for yourself!

The Art of Birth is a mixed media art and performance show, in addition to spoken birth stories. Come see birth photography, belly casts, sculpture, henna, live art, and dance -- all celebrating this life-changing event called birth.

The t-shirts will be available for purchase the day of the event, as well as a book TCBN is printing consisting of birth stories of women who have birth in and around Tarrant County. Let us know if you'd like to make the book available to your friends or clients by emailing us at birth@boldfortworth.org.

The Art of Birth will take place on Saturday, April 30 from 11:00 a.m. - 4:00 p.m. It is a free event being held at the Fort Worth Community Arts Center at 1300 Gendy Street, Fort Worth 76107.

If you have birth-related artwork you would like to display, please contact BOLD Forth Worth at birth@boldfortworth.org. Likewise, if you'd like to share your birth story, please contact us at the same email or call (682) 710-BOLD.

We are looking forward to sharing with the community how wonderful birth can be though The Art of Birth. See you there!

Why the Closest Hospital May NOT be the Best Place to Have Your Baby

2011-03-21T05:00:00.013-05:00

When I was pregnant with my first baby, I was asked a number of times during the pregnancy where I was planning to have my baby. I thought this was about the dumbest question ever (next to "Are you having the drugs?"). Obviously, I was having my baby at the closest hospital. I'd seen enough TV shows and movies to know that I would have to get there really fast, so it just made sense to pick the closest one. It wasn't until I was pregnant with my second baby that I discovered the significance of choosing a hospital wisely -- that maybe distance was not the top priority after all.

When people email me or call me about classes, one of my first questions is "Where are you currently planning to having your baby?" The word "currently" throws them off, but I want them to know upfront that it's not set in stone. More than 50% of people that take my class do switch their care provider and/or birth place.

It seems that most people choose their hospital because that is where their OB delivers. They've been with him/her for years and just loves him! They honestly believe that their OB will support their decision to have a natural birth. This post is not about your OB however, but the hospital.

Fact: You are more likely to have a c-section in a busy hospital than elsewhere. Define busy? Well, the hospital I had Daymon averages 30 babies a day. I'd call that pretty darn busy. There's a hospital in the Ft. Worth area that touted more than 5000 babies a year on a billboard. It is normal to think, Oh good, they do this a lot, so they must be really good at it. Practice make perfect, right? If you do the math, that average is almost 14 babies a day. Doesn't sound so bad after the average of 30 a day I just threw out! This particular hospital's c-section rate is 35-40% -- straight from the horse's mouth.

But does practice make perfect? Why would a busy hospital have a higher c-section rate? Let's face it -- it's like the Olive Garden (I worked there for 4 years and love the OG, so this is not a slam on them!) and you cannot sit at a table all night. We need your table. The lobby is filling up and your server needs to make money. We cannot allow you to take up this table any longer!

And so it is with labor. They simply will not allow you to occupy a room longer than a day. At 24 hours, or very close to it, your time is up. The OB can make up a million reasons why you need a c-section (fetal distress, baby too big, water broken for 24 hours, failure to progress, maternal exhaustion, the list goes on and on), but ultimately, your time is up. You failed to progress on our time frame.

If you've seen Born In The USA, a PBS documentary, you've witnessed the scene where the residents are sitting around a conference room discussing a particular labor where the woman had a c-section because her time limit was up on pushing (my words, not theirs). Part of that dialogue includes an OB explaining that it goes against their very nature to not do anything in the hospitals. She explained that in the hospital, nurses and doctors are constantly monitoring and assessing, monitoring and assessing. They will not just sit around and wait on your labor. You expect a baby out of this, and darn it, we will be the ones to do that for you!

So, we have imposed time limits. Next, we simply have hospital policies. Things such as: continuous electronic fetal monitoring (EFM), routine vaginal exams (usually every 2-4 hours), no walking after water breaks (which you're not doing anyway if you have EFM), and a routine IV. I talk about all of these things at length in class, so I don't want to spoil all the fun here. Suffice to say, none of these things are good for your labor. You are more likely to have a c-section when these policies are in place. These are red flags! Run! The local hospitals that have these policies have 60% c-section rates. Ultimately, your baby is left to figure labor and birth out on his own. You will not be moving around, changing positions, rotating hips, or using gravity to assist the baby on his way down and out. Labor is harder for mom and baby under these conditions.

Another red flag along the lines of policies are no VBACs (Vaginal Birth After Cesarean). Over 800 US hospitals banned VBACs in the last decade. ACOGs recent statement said that women should be given a "trial of labor" -- don't get me started! -- but I haven't seen any change as of yet. A hospital who does VBACs is hopefully following evidence-based maternity care in other areas as well (allowing women to eat and drink in labor, intermittent fetal monitoring, hep-lock instead of IV, and no routine vaginal exams).

Honestly, I believe you are more likely to find this type of care with a midwife than an OB. The vast majority of OBs simply are not trained in normality. They are trained in the management of labor and birth. And make no mistake -- they will manage your birth. If your hospital does not even have midwives, this is also another red flag. Midwives bring a different attitude and philosophy of birth to a hospital. As long as the staff is open and willing to listen to the evidence, midwives can make a huge impact. If the doctors won't listen to the midwives and let them be midwives, again, run.

Birth is very political. I was speaking with a CNM the other day about this topic. She's only been out of school for about a year. She said they didn't talk about how political things are in birth while she was in school and she's been shocked by it since working in the field. It's like I always say, as long as the baby is still inside, you have options. I've had a handful of women change their plans in the middle of labor! Don't let your birth be a political battlefield. Fighting with the staff is not an option. This also is not good for mom or baby and is not how anyone should remember their labor.

No matter how scary you think it may be, changing care providers or hospitals (or even switching to a home birth!) can be the difference between a c-section and a vaginal birth. If you have an outcome you are not happy with, you will always wonder what would have happened if you had switched to a better birth place. Like Tim sings, "There's no such thing as what might have been, That's a waste of time, drive you outta' your mind." (Had to sneak him in there!)

You might have to drive a titch further, but in the long run, you'll only give birth to this baby one time. Regret is a yucky thing, especially when you had the red flags laid out before you and you chose to tie your blindfold on and hope for the best. Don't be a victim of bad hospital policies!

"My" Epidural

2011-03-14T05:00:00.008-05:00

Have you ever noticed that when a woman refers to getting an epidural, she uses the word "my" epidural, not "an" epidural? It is the only time I can think of off the top of my head that someone refers to pain medication as "mine." If I have a headache, I don't say, "I took 'my' ibuprofen." I say, "I took 'some' ibuprofen."

So why is there ownership of the epidural? Even the L & D nurses refer to it as "your" epidural, or "her" epidural. You own it -- you better claim it before someone else steals it! It is the weirdest thing.

When doctors in Europe were using a combination of different drugs to "help" women through childbirth towards the end of the 19th century, American doctors didn't want to use them. They didn't feel they were safe. I know, hard to imagine now, isn't it? It was the women who demanded to have the rights to these drugs. Up to this point, the majority of American births were assisted by midwives, not doctors. More than 95% of all American births took place at home.

Much like today, women were afraid of childbirth, just for different reasons. When male doctors started assisting in childbirth, women were willing to put modesty aside (no small thing) at the promise of having "pain-relieving" drugs for childbirth. The doctors found it easier for the women to come to them in the hospital rather than have to travel to their homes.

And so it began. Hospital birth. In the beginning, only the affluent could afford to birth in the hospital. It was fashionable to be "delivered" by a male doctor with his drugs and forceps. Eventually, if you had a midwife-attended homebirth, you were obviously too poor to afford a hospital birth. By 1940, two-thirds of American births took place in the hospital. (Both my parents were born at home. They lived in southern Illinois in the middle of nowhere and were poor!) By the 1950's, only 1% of babies were born at home. It has largely remained the same after 60 years.

Historically, women fought for the right to vote just a couple of decades after drugs in childbirth were introduced, and birth was migrating from their bedrooms to the hospitals. Women entered the workplace in the late 1930's during WWII to support their families. During the Women's Rights Movement of the 1960s, women wanted equal pay and treatment. We deserved it! We wanted rights! In the same decade, midwives began to resurface and the natural birth movement began rising up. Make no mistake, 99% of women were still giving birth in a hospital with the drugs. Just like today.

For the last 110 years, women have demanded drugs in childbirth because we should not have to endure the pain of childbirth, no matter how dangerous it may be for the baby, right? As a woman, I have rights to those drugs! I owned an epidural from the minute that pee-stick told me I was pregnant! The doctors warned the women early on that the drugs went straight to the baby and were not good for the baby. The women didn't care. Today, we have doctors telling women that epidurals are safe -- there are no risks. Why would you not have one, they say? "There is no medal at the end of this race." Oh, I beg to differ -- a drug-free mama and baby is quite a reward to behold.

Yes, women's rights have done some very important things. But at what point did we get so wrapped up in our own discomfort that we can't see beyond ourselves? Is it just human nature? That sense of entitlement?

Here's the real kicker -- if women only knew the absolute empowerment that comes with giving birth to your baby without intervention or medications, they would understand that that is real Women's Lib. Don't own the epidural ladies, own your birth!

Class Schedule

2011-03-10T12:30:00.000-06:00

My next live class starts June 3 and runs till August 19. There are just 2 spots left.

In case you haven't read anything about my classes, I charge $275, and I teach the full 12-week series. That gets you a whole 'lotta fun, including: birth videos, the Bradley workbook, a Bradley water bottle, a Mothering Magazine, a birth atlas, and loads of handouts. I also teach a 3-hour breastfeeding class which is on DVD. Each student gets their own copy of the DVD to keep. In addition, I have all my classes on DVD, so if one or both of you must miss a class, simply borrow the DVD and return it when you return to class.

I teach in Mansfield, and my house borders Arlington. Class starts at 7:00 and runs until 9:30.

I'll look forward to talking with you.

If you are dying to take my class (!!) but do not live in the DFW area, you can always take my entire series on DVD.

donnaryan@juno.com

Dads Begging for More Babies

2011-03-07T05:00:00.001-06:00

My husband came home from a church activity a few weeks ago where he had been talking to this woman who is pregnant. He was getting ready for bed and just sort of rambling while putting clothes away and turning down the covers. In the middle of it all, he expressed that he felt jealous of people in that stage of life. He went on to talk about how exciting those times were, waiting for a baby. Wondering what would our labor be like. And then those early days and months of having a new baby in the house. Sigh.

So often I hear women say that they'd love to have more children but their husband is DONE! I rarely hear a woman say that her husband would love more but that she is the one who is done! Why is that?

I must admit that my husband is a unique breed. He's sensitive and compassionate. Clever and funny. Oh, and incredibly handsome! He loves babies. He never protested at having the baby in our bed like many men. In fact, the other night he was in and out of our last Bradley class and we were talking about co-sleeping. He threw in his two cents -- yes, he slept great -- except an occasional "boot to the head" from a toddler. (David wants you to know that this is him holding one of our babies in the above photo. OK, we can't all be Joe Gumm.)

Is it just that our kids are bigger now and we don't have a baby anymore? Are we just missing that time of our lives? David hates feeling nostalgic and I think he's been hit with quite a bit of it lately. Maybe it's that his wife just turned 40 (he's 37), maybe it's having a kid in high school that is driving us completely crazy and he's missing the "simpler" days. Whatever it is, it's real.

I, on the other hand, don't have that I-miss-not-having-a-baby-in-the-house feeling like he does. I really do live vicariously through my Bradley students. I'm still surrounded by pregnancy, labor, birth, and babies. I am selfishly enjoying my quiet days when they are in school. I am unbelievably busy with other things, just not breastfeeding and changing diapers! For the record, I miss the hours of holding a nursing baby and co-sleeping with my babies, feeling their warm little body mold to mine. It was a wonderful time that flew by much too quickly. Everyone says that to you when they are little and you think "Yeah, right, lady! You have no idea." Now I'm that lady!

Back to the men. David had a vasectomy when Darcy was about 18 or 19 months old, which in my opinion, is the absolute worse age ever, or at least I thought it was until we had a 14-year-old! He was dead set that he didn't want more babies and I was right on board with him on that one -- again, Darcy was at my least favorite age. I haven't changed my mind, but I think if I said I wanted another baby, he'd jump right on that. Don't get excited, it's not going to happen.

A lot of dads don't enjoy having a baby in the house. Am I wrong here? Baby wants mom and doesn't really care all that much about his/her dad until later. I did have one baby that really did seem to prefer her dad over me -- still does. But for the most part, I think that is a fair statement. Sex often revolves around the baby's routine. Breasts are often off-limits with breastfeeding sensitivity and leaking. His wife is often so distracted with the baby, dad gets "stuck" with more chores around the house. If baby is not co-sleeping, dad is probably involved in night feedings and not sleeping well. Right or wrong, I'm just trying to think from his perspective for a minute, so don't hate me. We can't ignore the financial responsibility in having kids, that ideally falls mostly upon the father. (At least that's how I was raised and how it is in our family.)

Mom typically is the one who spends many more hours with the baby and gets to know the baby before dad. She figures out the different cries the baby has, what they mean, and how to calm the baby. When she has to tell him how to calm his baby, he might feel inadequate. Dads often get to know their babies through play, once the baby is big enough.

I can't explain why David didn't seem to feel these things. I hear from so many couples that struggle within the first few months. I wish all new dads enjoyed the new baby phase. It is something that many women want to experience over and over.

I am thinking out loud on this post. It's just something that's been on my mind lately since David made that comment about missing the baby phase. I'm so grateful for such a compassionate man to share my life with, one that loves babies and co-sleeping.

Leashing Your Kids

2011-02-28T05:00:00.022-06:00

Let me preface this post with a controversial statement: I can't stand animals. I have no desire to be a pet owner whatsoever, much to the dismay of all three of my girls. Especially Darcy. I've never seen a child love animals more than she does. Now, don't get me wrong, I like going to the zoo just as much as the next mom. I just don't want to own animals. I have four children. That's enough responsibility for me. I can't even keep a plant alive.

A few weeks back, I posed the question on my Banned From Baby Showers Facebook page, what topics would you like to see on the blog? Several of you asked what I thought of leashing your kids.

So, what is the politically correct response to this question, especially from an advocate of Attachment Parenting? I'd have to say, surely it is to not leash your child, like you would your dog, right?

I've written a bit about my life here and I think you've gotten the picture that I was a pretty rowdy teenager. Definitely a rule breaker. Apparently I was the same as a toddler. When I was 18 months old, my dad kept me on a leash every time we went anywhere. He gave it to me as a gift when I had my own children, only partially joking.

The only time any of my children were leashed was when Vena (#2) was about 18 months old. We were at "Breakfast on the Plaza" for a 4th of July celebration in my hometown of Santa Fe, NM. My dad insisted that I put her on my old leash because there were so many people. I absolutely refused and told him that if he wanted her on a leash, he was going to have to do it. He got her harnessed up and it lasted, maybe, 5 minutes. She screamed her head off! (I thoroughly enjoyed it.) With everyone staring, he agreed that maybe it wasn't the best idea. He said that if only I'd started her off that way as soon as she started walking, it would have worked. Yes, this was the parenting I was raised on.

I have no doubt that my dad was just concerned for Vena's safety, and mine when I was a toddler. It is a scary thing for any parent to have a small child in a large crowd. It only takes a split second to lose them.

As you can imagine, I carried all my babies in a sling and rarely even used a stroller. When they got older and we were on all-day outings, I would definitely take a stroller too. But sometimes, let's face it, the kid wants out -- and needs out -- to run around, to stretch their legs. Obviously, the parents have to watch them every single second and it can be a stressful event.

All kids are so different too. When my son was about 2, we lost him in a Super Target in Orem, UT. OK, wait -- David lost him -- I was in a dressing room. He let him out of the cart "for just a second," and he was gone. One thing about Daymon, when his feet hit the ground, he was running! For 10 minutes we had no idea where our son was. He had made it to the very back of the store when a very nice lady picked him up. Yadda, yadda, yadda, David learned his lesson!

I read a funny story one time about a mom who was in the front yard with all the neighborhood moms and kids. Her 2 year old boy took off down the road. She had a baby on her hip and another one on the way. She was wearing "the cutest clogs" and had no idea how she was going to chase her son down the road. She got a great idea and yelled as loud as she could "ETHAN! ICE! CREAM!" Sometimes we have to be resourceful. Each child is so different and cannot be treated the same as the next.

I think it's really easy to judge a parent that has their child on a leash -- I know I've done it -- but in the end, we don't know the parent's frame of mind at that point. (Maybe they've lost a child before, maybe she's pregnant and not feeling well, maybe the kid hates the stroller and screams in it, etc.) There could be a million reasons why they made the decision to use a leash. Ultimately, if the child is happy (not screaming like Vena was), mom or dad is probably happy, everyone is safe. I don't really care. I'd rather see a happy toddler walking around on a leash than a parent trying to keep a child in a stroller, cramming a bottle in his mouth trying to keep him quiet. We've all witnessed that, I'm sure.

One of my former students was at the zoo recently and she sent me a picture of a father holding up a stroller with the child in it to see the animals. Heaven forbid he should take the child out and actually hold him up to see. They obviously wanted the child to stay in the stroller. A leash would have been so much better and have forced the parents to have more interaction with their child.

So, I don't think this is so cut and dry. It must offend us because we see it the same way as leashing a dog. But why do people leash their dogs? So they don't run away. It's all the same. People love their dogs. People love their children. They want them to have the freedom to walk, but they also want them to be kept safe. Besides, the leashes I've seen lately are so cute, like animal backpacks! Mine was just a rope, like a hanging.

What I'd really like at this point in my life is a leash for my 14-year-old son. That's another story for another day.

Vaginal Tearing -- What You Should Know For Your Next Birth

2011-02-21T05:00:00.024-06:00

When couples show up for the first night of childbirth classes, they want to know 3 things: 1) When do we go to the hospital? 2) What if my water breaks?, and 3) My mom says an episiotomy is better than tearing. I don't want either. Of course, I make them sit through 4 weeks of classes before we get to "the good stuff." By the time we get there, they have a really good foundation. For this post, we'll concentrate on item number 3. (Yes, I've been inspired by my good friend, Sarah Clark, aka Mama Birth, with the humorous photos.)

Obviously, the tearing of the vagina as the baby is crowing does not sound enjoyable. There is a lot of fear surrounding the possibility of this occurring. The good news and bad news is all rolled into one sentence concerning this fear: You'll think you tore, even if you didn't. Some women feel better after learning this and some don't. The skin typically burns (thus, the "ring of fire") as it stretches over the baby's head. Once it is stretched, the skin is pretty numb, but before this, you will likely think that you tore. I thought that with every baby and I've never torn.

So what can you do to prevent tearing?

I live in the Fort Worth area now, but I lived in Albuquerque before moving here. NM has almost the lowest c-section rate in the country. No coincidence that one in every three births is attended by a midwife. When I taught Bradley® classes in Albuquerque, I had a number of students participate in a study that the midwives were conducting at UNMH (University of New Mexico Hospital). The study was trying to find out what method at the time of birth was the most effective at protecting the perineum. If you chose to participate, you were given one of three envelopes at the time of birth with one of the following options written on it: 1.) Do nothing as the baby emerges; 2.) Use perineal massage; or 3.) Use warm compresses on the perineum as the woman is pushing.

I always like to share a funny story in class from my third -- and hardest -- birth. As I was pushing, my midwife was applying pressure to the perineum. She asked me if I wanted her to keep doing that -- actually, her exact words were, "Do you feel like your butt is going to blow out?" Yes, that's exactly how I feel, and yes, please keep doing that! Emotionally and physically I felt like I had something to push against. I think women are always surprised at how hard they are pushing. I have always been a big fan of warm compresses or support of the perineum, much more so than perineal massage. I must admit, I thought warm compresses would be the big winner of the UNMH study.

I have someone in my current class that recently looked up the study. Yes, I'm embarrassed to admit that I never looked it up to see the results. Let me give you a few more details about the study before the exciting results.

Data was collected from 1211 births over a 3 year period. There were several bits of data collected including maternal age, parity, race, years completed of education, body mass index, weight gain in pregnancy, and use of antepartum perineal massage (during the pregnancy). Variables included use of pitocin and epidural, length of 2nd stage, style of pushing (coached or self-paced without prolonged breath-holding), position of the baby (compound presentation or posterior), and complications or unexpected birth events.

The most interesting thing about this entire study is the probably the c-section rate: Of 1211 births, 98%, or 1187 had a spontaneous vaginal birth. Only 25 of these women -- 2% -- had an operative delivery! Nine cesareans occurred in late labor, and 16 women had vaginal operative births (3 by forceps and 13 by vacuum). ONLY 9 CESAREANS IN 1211 BIRTHS WITH THE MIDWIVES!

Take a minute to recover from that and let's move on. There are a number of other items I found interesting within the study. The first one is that 13% of the women that were receiving perineal massage requested that the midwife "stop." With the other two methods, it was 2.2% (warm compresses) and 1.7% (hands off). Again, I'm not a fan of perineal massage (I think I've said that a time or two!) and neither were 54 of the 400 women who drew this envelope.

*Less than 40% of the women in each group had an epidural and the use of pitocin was between 32-36%.

*At least 77% from each group gave birth sitting upright. About 10% were flat on their backs with stirrups. Less than 1% in each group gave birth in a squatting, hands and knees, or standing position.

*The vast majority (each group over 77%) did not participate in Valsalva pushing (holding breath excessively long causing capillaries to burst, etc.) and between 30-34% of the mothers delivered the head between contractions.

*Approximately 94% of the babies was born in an occiput anterior position, while about 10% were born with a compound presentation (hand by the baby's head).

Other things that should be noted: 40% of the participants were first-time mothers. There was a wide range of ethnic diversity as well.

Some interestingly low numbers include:

*92 births with nuchal cord
*42 births had meconium
*34 with extreme fetal heart rate abnormalities
*10 with postpartum hemorrhage
*9 with shoulder dystocia (.7%) -- Side note -- I hear this all the time for a reason for c-section or induction. True shoulder dystocia is rare!
*2 with manual removal of placenta

The Results:

*Only 10 episiotomies were performed, due to severe fetal heart rate abnormalities.

*23% off all women experienced no trauma at all to the genital tract, regardless of which envelope they drew.

*20% had major trauma, defined as 2nd, 3rd, or 4th degree tearing.

*57% had minor trauma, defined as 1st degree tearing, affecting the external genitalia, or the outer vagina.

Other studies have defined an intact genital tract as "no trauma, or minor and unsutured trauma." If this definition was applied to this study, the midwives' rate of "intact" would be a whopping 73%! In all fairness, too, these 12 midwives who were involved in this study already had a high degree of expertise at minimizing trauma in vaginal birth. I met with a couple of them when I was teaching in Albuquerque and was extremely impressed. In fact, the obstetric culture at UNM teaching hospital is patient, calm and controlled, and emphasizes slow expulsion of the baby.

Ultimately, there were 2 care measures that were associated with a lower risk of genital tract trauma. 1.) "A sitting position allows the mother greater comfort and autonomy at delivery. It allows face-to-face proximity and direct visual contact between the mother and midwife." 2.) "Delivery of the head between contractions requires communication, synchrony, and shared responsibility for a slow and gentle expulsion of the infant."

So ladies, be patient at the time of birth. Ban the cheerleaders! Don't let anyone count to 10 for you like they do in the movies. Just let the baby come.

As for the 3 methods? It's really up to the woman and her midwife. The results were all similar in findings. If you'd like to read more about the study, you can find it here.

An Oldie But Goodie: Sarah's Amazing VBAC

2011-02-19T08:00:00.001-06:00

I have contemplated how I want to present this for weeks. Sarah herself joked about how much she had to say to about her very fast labor! In the end, I've decided, who am I to edit this amazing woman's birth story? I thoroughly enjoyed reading it, and I think you will too.

Why is this VBAC so special? I have chills as I write that question. About a year ago, I posted a picture of Sarah right after her c-section that took place 2 years ago. Without going through all the details, it was a nightmare. They had taken my class by DVD, and while I had met with Sarah a number of times, I had never met her husband, Kip, until that day on the phone. We spoke for about 30 minutes and it broke my heart. I could feel the love that he has for Sarah, and he had felt so helpless as their birth spiraled out of control, ending in a c-section. If you would like to read what she wrote about her previous experience, you can find it at the previous post titled "Ah, the Glorious C-Section."

Sarah and Kip, like so many couples, struggled with depression over the event and went through an intense healing process. Breastfeeding was such a struggle with the first baby, and when Sarah started the baby on formula, she went through tremendous guilt and more depression. Kip wasn't sure he ever wanted to go through this again, but Sarah knew her body could do this. When she found herself pregnant again, she hired a midwife at Gentle Beginnings Birth Center and planned for an out-of-hospital birth.

I love the look on Sarah's face and I have no doubt that she was saying a silent prayer of thank- fulness, healing, and amazing power. What a strong woman. Enjoy her story in her own words:

Jackson’s birth story
Born 8/29, 9 days past EDD by VBAC waterbirth

“I love you Lord,
And I lift my voice,
To worship you,
Oh my soul, rejoice.

Take joy my king,
In what you hear,
May it be a sweet, sweet sound
In your ears.”

This was my song during labor… it helped me to survive the hardest 4 ½ hours of my life! Compared to my first labor and eventual c-section w/ Kate, this was short and 100 miles an hour – less to tell (so why is it so long!) 9 days past EDD, my mantra of “Be still and know that I am God,” from Psalm 46 was starting to waver and I was starting to be anxious. After speaking w/ my midwife and starting Master Gland on 8/28, I went to bed grouchy w/ no contractions. My husband & his parents went to a high school football game & I stayed home w/ Kate.

I woke up at 4:30am and felt terrible, but assumed it was food related again since I had developed a sensitive tummy around 38 weeks to many different foods. By 5am I was starting to believe I was in labor, but not worried. I wasn’t experiencing contractions as I had expected them to feel, but still believed that things were starting to warm-up. (I never went into natural labor w/ Kate, but was induced due to high BP at 41 weeks.) I couldn’t go back to sleep, so I made myself a big bowl of rice krispies & strawberries since it was easy & sat down to relax & catch up on facebook and emails. I also found an online contraction timer, but the contractions I was experiencing were irregular and all over the place & impossible to chart well. I felt frustrated, and unsure if I was really in labor of wondering if something might just be wrong.

By 5:30am, I really needed to focus much more on my contractions instead of my computer work and started to feel much more uncomfortable. I so badly wanted to wake up Kip and call my doula, Camron, but decided that I should wait until 6am to wake them. It was a Saturday morning, and I figured that 6am was a ‘reasonable’ time to be awakened compared to 5:30. I also figured that since my last birth was more that 30 hours, they would probably need all the sleep they could get since I was sure I was going to have another marathon labor. By 6am I woke up Kip, and my contractions were getting painful at this time, to the point that it was difficult to talk. I remember specifically saying, “You need to get up, and you need to eat some breakfast. Like, right now.” I called Camron, and told her that I thought I was in labor, but that things were inconsistent. She told me she’d get ready and come over, and ordered me into the shower.

In the shower, though the pain was relieved due to the hot water, I could still feel the intensity building. “For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks.” – Luke 6:45. Suddenly in the shower my heart was just swelling with a praise song (lyrics above) and I remember leaning on the wall of our shower and sort of muttering this praise song. Hadn’t heard it in a long time, and not one of my favorites or anything but it appeared on my tongue and I lifted it up to the Lord! I felt calmer instantly. Kip called Camron to tell her that I was getting serious, and that she should probably hurry.

I told Kip that he needed to call his mother to come get Kate. His response was “Aren’t we going to drop her off on the way to the birth center?” I quickly said ‘No way!!” to having enough time to do that because of the intensity of my contractions and his mother headed our way. At this point, Kate woke up which was really hard for me. She’s very sensitive to my physical feelings and I didn’t want to show her I was in pain. (She was 21 months old at the time.) I labored on my yoga ball on my hands and knees until Kate was picked up.

At this point, Kip and I began to argue and bicker. I still wasn’t positive that I was in labor, which in retrospect is just silly. I was experiencing strong contractions that I couldn’t speak through, and my train of thought was all over the place and I wasn’t making sense of finishing thoughts & sentences. Kip kept asking me questions, and my answers were mostly “I don’t know.” In hindsight, this should have clued him into the fact that I was really in labor and focused inwardly, unable to carry on a good conversation. Instead, it just really frustrated him because he thought I wasn’t communicating my needs well to him. Oh well – now we know better for next time!

Camron arrived at 7:35 to see me laboring on the side of the bed, w/ my contractions 2-4 minutes apart. She wasn’t sure what was going on w/ my irregular contractions; they were all over the place, and only lasting about 30-45 seconds, and a few minutes apart but super intense and I wasn’t able to speak during them. Camron started to think I was farther along than we had originally thought, and asked me to go to the bathroom and asked Kip to help me to try & relax. Relaxing and peeing was totally out of the question – I felt like I had to pee so badly but just couldn’t relax and this was really starting to bother me. At 8am I had a 1 minute 45 second contraction and Camron asked if I was pushing and I told her ‘no’, but in retrospect I think I might have been ‘trying’ and didn’t know it yet. At 8:02 Camron called our midwife Ann and they decided it was time to head to the birth center so we started collecting our things.

At 8:09 it was DEFINITELY time to go to the birth center, the waves of contractions were short and hard, almost angry feeling. I remember crying from the pain, thinking that I couldn’t be that far along and that if I was feeling so much pain how could I make it another 30 hours like my last labor? Camron and Kip just kept reassuring me, and she gave me a pad to wear in case my water broke in the car. The walk to our car was absolutely the longest and hardest walk of my life, and looking back at it I now absolutely see the benefit of homebirth and never having to leave your sanctuary when you are at that point in labor! By 8:15am we were standing outside, leaning on the car until the contraction was over to leave and I yelled at the 2 of them “JUST GO!” in the middle of the contraction. I knew it didn’t matter how bad it felt, we had to get moving before this baby came.

At 8:30am Kip picked up the speed and we hit 90mph down 820 towards the birth center. Praise God that the cops weren’t around! I remember telling Kip that either my water had just broken or that I had finally gone pee. (It was my water breaking, thanks for the help Camron – you saved our car!) I kind of went to another place mentally in the car – I had no concept of time or distance other than it was taking too long for my liking. I had one hand down on the middle console pushing my bottom up and the other hand pulling my whole body up from the handle bar attached in the ceiling. Kip asked me if I was pushing and I kept telling him that I didn’t think so, that I was trying not to, but I really had to go to the bathroom. Piece of advice – transition in the car stinks, so try to avoid it!!

At 8:48am we pulled up to the birth center, and Ann and Marsha (my midwife & her assistant) met me at my car door and unbuckled my seatbelt for me. They lovingly and swiftly escorted me into the back bedroom to check me. I remember walking past the sign they had put up front, “Ssshhh! Mother in labor.” I thought, “wow! That’s for me!” When we got there I was calm and seriously working hard, feeling like I was going to lose control soon. I told Ann I needed to push or go to the bathroom. She checked me and said, “Honey, you feel like you need to push because you are complete and +1, and this baby is ready to come! If you want to do this in the tub you need to go there NOW, or we can just do this right here on the bed!” I remember Kip asking if I had heard her, and hearing how encouraged he was at her words. Everyone suggested I get in the tub if I felt like it, and I really wanted some pain relief if possible. As I walked to the birth tub, I remember seeing the copy of my scriptures for labor laying on the table. I remember feeling so relieved that someone else had seen them, that the midwives and looked at them and prayed for me even before my arrival! I had a suitcase full of gear for labor and scriptures with lots of good intentions but my labor was going too fast to use any of it!

I walked to the bathtub and stopped to push really hard for the first time on the side of the tub. Then I got in, and pushed while sitting on my hands and knees. I remembered Donna (my birth instructor) suggesting this position in labor, and once I got into it I felt like I couldn’t get out! It just felt right, and even though I felt like I had a little less control since I couldn’t see what was going on I fully trusted my birth team who were literally right behind me! I remember Ann praying for me, Marsha coaching me, Camron keeping my hair out of my face, and Kip right above my head whispering encouraging words as I pushed. As I was pushing, Lynsey (the best birth photographer!) showed up just in time to capture Jackson’s arrival. He was born at 9:15am, less than 30 minutes after our arrival! Praise God! My midwives had to use suction to get some of the meconium-stained fluid out of his mouth but then I turned around in the water and took my baby boy! They gave him to me, and he was quiet for just a moment and then cried out to let us hear his voice. It was so wonderful to relax in the birth tub with him and hold him in my arms while the midwives helped me to deliver the placenta. Kip got to cut the cord. I remember being in total shock and disbelief about what I had just done. Only 4 hours before I wasn’t even sure I was in labor!

We got out of the tub for the midwives to check us over (no tearing!) & clean up the tub, and then we got back in for our herbal bath, which was just amazing and so relaxing. Jackson was quiet, opened his eyes so wide for us, and sucked his thumb sweetly in our candlelit bath. Ann told me that thumbsuckers are sweet babies and she was sooo right! Kip helped me to clean the little bit of vernix that he had in his hair, and we went back to the bedroom where we had breakfast in bed and I nursed him. Kip’s parents brought Kate down to meet her little brother, and Lynsey captured their first meeting in a sweet photograph. My birth team kept asking us if Kip and I wanted privacy w/ our new baby but I didn’t! I was so happy and proud that we had accomplished our vbac, and I felt SO GOOD that I was glad to be in the presence of everyone that had helped us to get there! I remember laughing quite a few times after he was born, knowing that I had been surrounded by successful VBAC’ers (Lynsey & Camron) and that I had just pushed my baby out! They took Jackson’s measurements, 10 lbs, 11 oz’s and 21 ½ inches long! I remember laughing at the look in Kip’s eyes when he held up the scale to weigh him – you could tell he was thinking “Am I reading this thing right?!”

It was so strange, just 3 ½ hours after his birth, being gently escorted by my midwives back to my vehicle. Hadn’t they just taken my seatbelt off?? Was I really done and going home with my baby? It just didn’t seem real! I can’t begin to describe how great I felt after his birth – physically, emotionally, spiritually. I’ve never felt so ALIVE as I did that afternoon (and hungry, too!)

The differences between my 2 birth experiences are night and day, especially in the care that we received as a family. Within 48 hours of Jackson being born, we had house calls from our midwife, our chiropractor, and our lactation consultant. I really had a team of people surrounding me with Christ’s love and support, helping me to figure out the ‘new mom thing’ with Jackson. The care that we received from these women was a true testimony to the rest of our family as to the reason we made our birth choices to a family that hadn’t been too confident in our choices to use a midwife & birth center.

Physically, recovery is so different w/ a VBAC than with a c-section. Ann warned me and was correct, you feel SO GOOD compared to your c-section that you have to be really careful not to overdo it & exhaust yourself. Breastfeeding has been so successful with Jackson, and I haven’t struggled with feeling blue like I did after my c-section. Jackson is a sweet-natured baby who slept so much during the first day or 2 that I worried about him! His gentle beginning has surely affected his temperament in a very agreeable way. Kate just turned 2 this week, and she is a firecracker that lights up our life with her vivacious spirit. She came into this world with a bang and is a spitfire for sure, and I look forward to see how Jackson’s personality develops and to see if his labor and birth experience shape his character. I can’t even begin to describe the healing that has taken place since my vbac, and I now feel so alive and encouraged about our family and look forward eagerly to see if God blesses our quiver with more arrows!

Part III: Mellanie's Story -- Breastfeeding Bekah

2011-02-14T05:00:00.001-06:00

I have the privilege of working with Mellanie Shepperd, an amazing lactation consultant, as Chapter Leaders for the Tarrant County Birth Network. I had at least known of Mellanie and spoken with her on the phone for about 4 years before actually meeting face to face. She has been a regular visitor in my Class 12 for quite some time now. She has helped so many women in and around Tarrant County over the last several years. She also runs a free weekly breastfeeding support group, For Babies Sake, with another LC every Tuesday night in Arlington. This is her touching story of breastfeeding her baby born with Kabuki Syndrome. She had never written the story before and she told me it was much harder than she expected. Mellanie, I am honored that you would share it here. Thank you.

When I was pregnant with Bekah, I had a sense that something was different about her. It wasn’t something I put into words often, but I knew. We were planning our first homebirth and had all of the supplies ready. The day I turned 35 weeks, my water broke. That put me out of the running for a homebirth, much to our disappointment. After consulting with our midwife, we needed to make the decision to either go to Dallas and deliver with her back-up OB or go to Ft. Worth and deliver with a hospital-based midwife group. After some debating, we decided to go with our midwife’s backup. We assumed that if he was her backup, he must be natural-birth friendly and supportive of our wishes. How wrong we were! He was far from supportive and was NOT happy with me expressing my own desires & opinions. Needless to say, we were not friends by the time Bekah was born! I am so thankful that God gave me the courage to stand up for myself and my baby. She would not have fared well with the interventions that the OB kept pushing. Anyway, I guess that is a story for another day. Now, on to the breastfeeding part of this story.

Despite the fact that Bekah was coming 5 weeks early, it never occurred to me that she would have difficulty breastfeeding. After all, I was a lactation consultant. Of course she would breastfeed! (In hind sight, I wish that I had at least made sure I had access to donor milk, just in case.) She was born weighing 5lbs 12oz and initially appeared to be very healthy. She latched on shortly after birth, but didn’t feed well. When it was time for her newborn exam, her blood sugar was very low. After much debating and trying to express colostrum without any luck, we ended up allowing her to be supplemented with formula. Over the next 5 days, we battled low blood sugar, difficulty maintaining body temp (which, much to the amazement of the nursing staff, was remedied by almost constant skin-to-skin contact) and jaundice. We dealt with so much misinformation about breastfeeding that it was astounding. One nurse even told us that Bekah was having trouble having bowel movements because colostrum is constipating! My amazing hubby took her out into the hall and lectured her for 15 minutes. To make a long story short (the hospital stay could be a blog post all its own!) we left AMA on day 5, still struggling to breastfeed. It was a real eye-opener for me on how even the strongest parents can make poor decisions when they are constantly battered by medical professionals.

For the first five weeks of her life, we nursed, pumped and finger-fed her pumped milk. It was exhausting. She was barely gaining weight, spit up A LOT and could not be put down without instant screaming. In desperation, I did an elimination diet and determined that she could not tolerate dairy or soy in my diet. I eliminated these foods and the spit-up decreased dramatically. Chiropractic care took care of the rest. She began gaining weight a bit better, but was still on the very low end of normal. By that time, she was past her due-date and “should have” been doing much better with breastfeeding. We finally got her to the point that she could breastfeed well enough that I didn’t have to pump and supplement her with expressed milk, but she couldn’t maintain the latch for more than a minute or two. She popped on and off and would nurse for 30 minutes or so before she fell asleep, exhausted. She was nursing every hour or two. By her two-month appointment, we were really questioning the pediatrician on what was “wrong” with Bekah – why was she still so floppy, why was she gaining weight so slowly when my other two kids had gained very rapidly, why did she still have almost no head control, why wasn’t she smiling or making any eye contact with us? They had no answers, other than “she was a preemie, she will catch up.” I remember thinking that 5 weeks was not that much of a preemie. At about that time, the OB who had delivered her called to say “Oh, by the way, you had a two-vessel umbilical cord, which can be associated with mid-line birth defects.” He recommended that we have her kidneys & heart checked. We had an ultrasound done of her kidneys and a full check-up on her heart. Thankfully, these tests came back normal, but we still had no answers.

I frequently got comments about how tiny she was. A stranger at a restaurant said “You need to feed that baby!” At every well-child visit, we would ask the same questions but no one ever addressed the hypotonia, or any of the other issues we were seeing. Finally, at her 4 month visit, the pediatrician acknowledged that there might be some kind of issue but said we just needed to wait and see. Shortly after that, I went to a La Leche League Conference and had the privilege of hearing Catherine Watson-Genna speak on two issues that ended up having a big impact for us – sensory processing disorder and tongue-tie/suck dysfunction. I had brought Bekah along with me to the conference, and after the session on tongue tie, I went up to talk to her about Bekah. She held Bekah and immediately noted her low tone, the way she held her hands, the lack of eye contact, the “funky” way she moved her tongue (my term, not hers) and I felt so validated! Finally! She wasn’t sure if Bekah indeed had a tongue tie or not, but recommended having her evaluated by an Ear, Nose & Throat doctor. As soon as we got home, I made an appointment to see Dr. Biavati in Dallas. He walked in the room, briefly looked at her tongue, then started looking at her hands, her eyes, and asking about my other kids. I thought it was very strange that he was examining these other areas when I was there to see if she was tongue-tied. He finally said, very gently “Well, she is not tongue-tied, but I believe she has something called Niikawa-Kuroki Syndrome” (more commonly known as Kabuki Syndrome.) I was so relieved! Finally, we had a name for what we were dealing with. I think Dr. Biavati was a little confused by my reaction. I think he expected me to break down and cry, but I was just so relieved to know what was going on that it didn’t occur to me at the time to be upset. He recommended a geneticist in Plano who was familiar with the syndrome, which is pretty rare. We saw the geneticist, who agreed with the diagnosis.

Once we got a diagnosis for Bekah, it seemed that the pressure to give her formula increased exponentially. Something about being labeled “special needs” seems to insure, in the minds of many people, that breastfeeding is not adequate. Somehow, people seemed to think that formula would be the “magic cure” that would make her grow. Thankfully, I had connected with a group of other parents of kids with Kabuki Syndrome. Two things became very obvious to me, very quickly. One is that kids with Kabuki Syndrome just don’t grow very fast when they are little. This holds true whether they are formula fed, breastfed or even tube-fed. Virtually every parent expressed their frustrations with the gain-lose-gain roller-coaster that our kids were on. The second thing that was obvious to me was that some of the issues that kids with Kabuki Syndrome struggle with could be helped by breastfeeding – immune system dysfunctions, poor oral motor skills that made eating and talking difficult, digestive issues, IQ, etc. It made me more determined than ever to make sure that Bekah got as much time breastfeeding as she could, even if it meant that she had to nurse all day and all night to get in enough calories. (Lest people think that we could have made things easier on her by giving her a bottle, she struggled even more with bottles. If we had not worked so hard to make breastfeeding work for her, she would have been on a feeding tube.) We spent quite a bit of time educating therapists, doctors and nurses. It was frustrating to feel that we were always telling them what they should already know. The older Bekah got, the greater the pressure got to stop breastfeeding – we were frequently told that if we would just stop breastfeeding her, she would eat more solid foods and grow more. What I knew in my heart was that if we stopped breastfeeding her, we would be taking away her best source of nutrition and protection for her immune system with no guarantee that she would do any better with solid foods. Our persistence paid off though and I am so very glad that we stuck with it. Bekah is sick far less than most other kids with Kabuki Syndrome and has never been hospitalized, she eats well now and has a very healthy diet, and she talks up a storm! Breast milk is not magic and she still struggles daily with many of the effects of her syndrome, but I know without a doubt that she would struggle so much harder without the good foundation that 25 months of breastfeeding gave her.

There were several people who supported us throughout the first two years that still hold a very, very special place in my heart. Some gave regular support and validation, like my dear friend Mary Ann and our amazing chiropractor , who we saw very frequently those first 2 years- Dr. Betsy Taylor. Some were there for a few months, but made a huge impact, like her first OT, Merrit Kazda and others, who answered our questions without judgment and supported our desire to make alternative healthcare decisions for Bekah. We could not have done it without them!

Some people feel sorry for us because we have a child with special needs. We don’t feel sorry for ourselves though. We are so incredibly grateful that Bekah was chosen for us. We have learned so much from her and have been very blessed to have her in our lives.

As a lactation consultant, I have also learned a tremendous amount from my experience breastfeeding Bekah. I have learned in a much more personal way how breastfeeding is about so much more than just the food, or even the bonding. Breastfeeding is a normal developmental milestone. Just like any other developmental milestone, if it is skipped, it has an effect on many other developmental processes. I have learned that, even when breastfeeding doesn’t look like we thought it would, it is definitely worth the effort. I have a special passion for helping other parents with special-needs infants to breastfeed and I am thankful for the experience with Bekah that has enabled me to help even more mothers and babies.

Part II: Alisa's Story - Sweet Baby Luke - Born with a Cleft Lip and Palate

2011-02-07T05:00:00.001-06:00

As promised, here is Alisa's story of pumping for Luke, her third baby, born with a cleft palate and lip. Yes, this is the Alisa -- the one that started my road to natural birth, my dear friend for almost 16 years now. This was a crazy time in her life. It's one thing to read it and another to experience it. I hope you enjoy her story and gain strength from her words. I'm certain some of you have endured, and are enduring, similar trials of providing breast milk for your babies. You are not alone. Alisa, thank you so much for sharing your story here.

"I sat on the ultrasound table willing my eyes to not see what was there. Or not there. Before the tech could say, "Did you say your husband had a cleft lip?" I knew. I saw the dark space between my baby's top lip. A quick reply to the tech, "Yes" and he confirmed what I already knew; my third child would be born with a cleft lip and palate.

I gathered my thoughts and two children and went to the car to call my husband. As I made the call to Jay, who was working out of state at the time, I made a decision; This baby would not be treated any differently. I would not find out if this baby was going to be a boy or a girl. I would still have an unmedicated birth. This baby would still receive breast milk.

I had nursed my other babies for as long as they would. 11 months and 15 1/2 months. I would give this baby the same. For as long as I could.

I started reading about breastfeeding a baby with a cleft lip/palate. I knew it would be a difficult thing to do alone. After a good amount of research I realized I would probably need to pump to help things along. I taught myself about pumps and what I would need to do to build up a supply of breast milk. I will be forever thankful to the woman who gave me a high quality pump. I assembled my kit and waited for my baby to be born.

We welcomed our big healthy baby boy of 9 lbs 10 ounces! … oohing and ahhing over him and announcing his name immediately, “Luke.” When our pediatrician came to check on us he stuck his finger in Luke’s mouth to inspect his suck. "Great!" he said, "Luke will be able to nurse."

But latching on was difficult. Luke had only one side of his palate intact. Like drinking through a straw with a hole in it, he just could not make a complete seal to latch on. I started pumping round the clock. Every 2-3 hours. Before we left the hospital I had started finger feeding Luke. I had a syringe with the milk that I had pumped with a tiny tube attached and taped to my pinkie finger. I would let Luke “suck” on my pinkie while I would slowly press the syringe to "let down" the breast milk. It became a cycle. Pump --> Wash pump parts --> Finger feed --> Start all over again.

The hope was that by finger feeding, Luke would not get attached to a plastic bottle nipple, and that eventually we would succeed in getting a proper latch. But how long could I keep doing this? After a week of pumping and finger feeding and trying to get Luke to latch on I made a very important decision. Was it more important for Luke to receive breast milk, or to breastfeed? I wanted both. But I chose breast milk.

I pumped and pumped and pumped some more. Luke drank it up with a bottle created for babies with clefts, using a pigeon nipple. I was ecstatic when I was able to pump enough to put some in the freezer. I cried when I would spill the "liquid-gold." I was thrilled when I would fill up a bottle enough to feed Luke and have some leftover. I was satisfied when we saw him grow steadily and maintain his healthy weight.

I pumped in the car, I pumped at church. I pumped at the mall. I pumped in hospitals during Luke’s surgeries. I pumped in the movie theater. I pumped while I fed Luke. I pumped on a road trip across 6 states and back again. I pumped when I didn't want to. I pumped while eating dinner. I pumped A L L T H E T I M E.

Luke grew and grew. I had times when I didn't think I could do it anymore. I thought I could not keep up with what Luke needed. I received a few bottles of donated breast milk and constant encouragement from family and friends. I drank a lot of water. Ate oatmeal. I smelled like maple syrup from taking fenugreek supplements. I did all that I could. All the while keeping the goal in mind. I wanted Luke to have breast milk just like my other kids. I had to fight the urge to blurt out when others saw me feeding him a bottle "this is breast milk, not formula!"

After almost a year I knew when it was time to be done. When I had done all I could do and it was time to be finished pumping. We celebrated. Friends threw a "Pump No More 2004" party for me compete with breast balloons.

I said goodbye to that pump and all of its parts. I said goodbye to the rhythmic song I’d listened to every few hours all year long ... “a-boom-dee-yea-a-boom-dee-yea.” I said goodbye to washing pump parts. I said goodbye to the round the clock 2-3 hour cycle. I said goodbye to that year of pumping and I was thankful to be done. Thankful to have given Luke exactly what I had given my other two children. The best start."

Taking Care of TCBN Business

2011-01-31T05:00:00.003-06:00

If you live in or around Tarrant County (Fort Worth area), today is the deadline to get your birth story submitted for a book that the Tarrant County Birth Network is putting together. All the submission information can be found here. We want to hear from YOU! All types of births will be selected for the book.

Our next TCBN meeting will be held next Thursday, February 10. Same place and time. Visit the website for more details if you have never joined us. If you'd like to be included in our email list, please contact tarrantcounty@birthnetwork.org.

The topic for next week's meeting is "Is Your Care Provider Mother-Friendly?" We will be reviewing the 10 Steps to the Mother-Friendly Childbirth Initiative as set forth by the Coalition for Improving Maternity Services (CIMS). We will be hearing from two of the UNT Certified Nurse Midwives, Lindsay Kragle and Summer Latta, as well as Kim Watkins, Certified Professional Midwife. All are members of the Birth Network.

Come hear what Mother-Friendly maternity care really means for the women and families of the Fort Worth area. If you've looked through the TCBN Resource Guide, you've noticed that, with the exception of the UNT Midwives, all the midwives practice outside of a hospital setting, either in a birth center or home. No other hospital group qualifies to be members of the Birth Network. Why is that? Come learn more about the care providers that truly provide Mother-Friendly care. You have so many amazing care providers to choose from in and around Tarrant County.

Our door prize is amazing at this next meeting. Alexa Gumm has been working on this, and I don't want to say too much, but ERGObaby has donated one of their baby carriers, worth $130. Bring your pregnant friends and enjoy this evening with some amazing midwives. Oh yeah, and everyone else is pretty amazing too!

Now get off here and get your birth story submitted!